Similar Circles - mentoring, networking and building community

Be opinionated

2012-01-29T13:41:00.001-05:00

Have you noticed lately that more folks offer a gentle opinion over taking a position?

In some instances, that's a great way to open a conversation if we think the other person may be reluctant to discuss a topic (so we don't force them to start out on a limb). "I believe we should give every child in every North American school a hot breakfast!" might be something for which folks would prefer to prepare before answering that open challenge. "Breakfasts for school kids might be a place to put our efforts," would be a softer opening.

Perhaps it's an incredibly delicate topic and requires all parties to first approach from the softer edges so folks can find a common ground before moving on to decisions. "All rapists should be castrated!" might not open the debate in the way you hope or expect.

More often though, we soften positions even on simple things. Have you tried planning a breakfast or a movie with friends lately? Everyone being so accommodating that no decisions are reached? "I'm ok as long as the place offers eggs." Really? So if someone picks the Mexican greasy spoon that you secretly hate, it'll be ok?

Check out this youtube video on how even our verbal approaches have default exit strategies built in. How long has it been since you heard someone say "I believe that..." or instead of "I think that..." It is not the same thing.

I'm all for collaborative approaches but maybe taking a position might help us dig deeper into what's important or, at very least, remind ourselves where we personally stand? Being controversial isn't always bad.

Asking for help - a lost art?

2012-01-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

Asking for help seems to be hard for folks (including me) to do.

We are able to share stories after a personal event (prompting a "why didn't you call me?" from the listener). We support each other through the "lessons learned" debrief of a project. But many hesitate to ask for support during a crisis, large or small.

I'm not convinced it's a gender thing. (The stereotype that men don't ask for directions notwithstanding) Is it a worry about being seen as weak or vulnerable? Are we entering an "every person for themselves" mentality?

We all have relationship on which we rely - personal and professional. Yet, we hesitate to call upon their expertise or good will.

Maybe part of the problem is in how and when we offer help? Are we so caught in our own busy-ness that we require someone to solicit help to pull us out of our own worlds? So we're not asking and not offering and creating a circle where giving and receiving support is a lost art on both sides?

Shouldn't the giving and receiving of support - and the coaching thereof - be another leadership deliverable?

I'm not sure what the answer is. I know I probably will not get better at asking so I've resolved to try more offering.

2012-01-22T17:04:00.000-05:00

What prompts us to pick up a book by an unknown author?
For me, it's the title - provocative, explanatory, amusing... the sort of book I prefer to read... upfront about its position, full of facts and stories, willing to offer a smile even at the expense of the premise.

So what would be a good title for a book on mentoring and networking that would not only get someone to pull it off the shelf, but take it to the check out?

What Colour is Your Bra-Strap?
101 Business Card Tricks
The Brazen Careerist
The Nutcracker
Do-it-yourself-but-with-others
The Fixer-upper: renovating your approach
Down the Rabbit Hole, Through the Glass
Diary of a Reluctant Networker

Others?

Mentoring...revisiting definitions

2012-01-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

The questions that come up most often are:
1 - What is mentoring?
2 - What's the difference between mentoring and what my manager does when they coach me?
3 - What's a mentor vs. a sponsor?
4 - Why mentor?
5 - Why be mentored?

All questions should have their answers re-visited ocassionally - sometimes the answers evolve; sometimes you need to reaffirm the answer; sometimes the question is prelude to a debate for which there is no single answer.

#1 - Is an developing area. In the past five years, mentoring has become a growing topic in the business arena while mentoring itself has been around for hundreds of years. (if not more) Google the topic. Form some opinions. There is no one answer.

#2 - There is a difference. A mentor is someone removed from your immediate/current situation and who is helping you look long-term. Asking your manager to mentor you is like asking your spouse to mentor you on parenting....

#3 - I don't think I've tackled this topic yet. A sponsor is someone who will be a positive reference and is willing to talk about you in situations where you may not be in the room yourself. Watch for my next posting.

#4 - You can only answer "why" for yourself. I wrote about some of the reasons here.

#5 - Again, it's a personal choice (unlike being coached by your manager). Be willing to do the work - it isn't up to the mentor to make it easy for you - especially if you only see your mentor four times a year. But I'm also just asking: why be mentored? Tell me...

National Mentoring Month is a great time to revisit some of the assumptions and conversations!

Why mentor? to learn vulnerability...

2012-01-15T23:15:00.001-05:00

A room of us were recently asked: Why mentor?

Silence descended for a moment.

The first hand went up. "Because it's good to give back." Heads nodded.

"Because we learn in return." More nods.

"Because it helps everyone's career."

"Because you don't know how to mentor, until you try!"

Everyone was warming up to the topic at this point, so our moderator asked: And what makes a good mentor?

"Experience."

"Knowledge."

Silence.....

"Vulnerability," said one woman. "The willingness to explore, to be open, to share, to listen, to be wrong, to not lead but to simply be present."

By her definition, the greatest gift we can offer each other is vulnerability... which is, in a meaningful way, incredibly powerful.

Take a sick day

2012-01-11T10:29:00.002-05:00

I don't mean play hooky, although that's another topic for another day. I mean: if you're feeling unwell, then stop and rest. (yes, that's my mom's voice)

I'm guilty of the keep-going-till-you-drop syndrome and ... well... it isn't working anymore. By the time the fever/ ache/ pain/ upset has reached epic proportions, it takes more than a day to recover. (and yet, we usually only give ourselves a day). My habit has been to go into work "just to see how I feel by lunch" (which is usually still lousy) and "power through it". I look like I should have a starring role in Old Yeller but no one notices because many others are doing the same pale, hangdog jive.

I think both men and women do this - though GenY seems to have this issue better in hand? Boomers and Xer's alike add this topic to the work/life balance discussion; it really belongs in the "hidden rules" dialogue.

I took my own advice yesterday. It was hard. I did answer email via my Blackberry in the afternoon, not wanting folks to be inconvenienced because of my illness. I still have to figure out if bed rest should or should not include electronic devices, handheld or not.

Worth a thousand words and a million dollars

2012-01-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

I actually do believe it's this simple:

Offer what you can of the talents and joys you have - that's really what networking and mentoring is about.
Remain passionate and willing to learn from life and the community you build around yourself.
If the glass seems half empty, use a smaller glass.

This is the real wealth and hope for both the present and future.

Sometimes there's a photo that says it best.

Followed by

These are both as posted on Google+ by Tim Moore CEO & co-founder Crush IQ.

National Mentoring Month 2012

2012-01-04T23:13:00.000-05:00

While mentoring is a year-round life-long activity, it is still not as well known or understood as baseball, as widely used as email or discussed as much as "networking".

Like baseball, you can make mentoring as simple as a group of friends with a stick and a ball in the neighbourhood or as organized as uniforms and coaches. It should be a common tool like email, and twin to building a community. And sometimes we need a little PR to spread the word. http://www.nationalmentoringmonth.org/

January 26 is also "Thank Your Mentor" Day. Perhaps we could also pick a day at the beginning of January for "Thank Your Mentoree(s)" Day because it's a two-way conversation of mutual benefit.

January is our month to the spread the word.... by saying thanks; by asking questions; by talking about mentoring; by simply making sure one more person knows how simple and effective mentoring can be.

Mentoring resolution

2012-01-02T11:51:00.000-05:00

I resolve to continue to speak up and out and Loud for the rights of women and children - in every day situations and extraordinary ones.

It is not a new resolution - or one that surprises anyone. It is a vow I think I've renewed since graduating from "teen-at-risk" status.

I believe mentoring helps alleviate difficult situations of any kind.
I believe networks - built by actually networking - raise the profile of both individuals and communities so it's harder for the darker things in life to hide behind corners and prey on those standing alone.
I believe technology helps us reach out, giving and receiving.
I believe a career and passion in one's life and day helps keep us connected to ourselves and each other.

I believe that everyone - men, women, old, young, smart, silly, worried, hopeful, wealthy, struggling, challenged, blessed - can come together and create change. The world doesn't have to be fair but it does have to be considerate.

May 2012 be the best year for all of us yet!

Dear Santa...

2011-12-22T05:30:00.000-05:00

All I want for the holidays:

2 mornings to sleep in
2 dinners I don't cook
An elf to clean my fridge of the groceries I didn't have time to cook since Halloween
Seven lucky lottery tickets winning a minimum of $20 each so I can go out for a 3rd dinner
My son to clean his room to the point where he no longer sleeps on the couch because he can't find his bed
A ghost writer for when I forget to post a blog

And for all of us to build relationships in our community that enrich us - from our mentoring to our need for a coffee with a sympathetic ear.

Time? who has time?

2011-12-18T17:19:00.000-05:00

Do you ever notice how, in our mad rush to clear up our 'to do' lists which are there to free up our time to get to the important stuff, we seem to lose time?

Messages go unread/unanswered; phone calls seem like impositions; even the simple task of grocery or errand runs goes by the wayside of ordering in or doing without.

Maybe because those lists are not really helping?

I heard a marvellous speaker the other day who pondered if the lists are not a futile attempt to control outside influences when we should be focused on simply controlling ourselves. What she meant was that we don't actually gain time by organizing what life is throwing at us; we gain time by choosing only to do what adds value.

One of my mentorees suggested that some menial tasks (like updating or rewriting a resume) has to first be understood as adding value or else it ends up on a list. True - so hopefully mentors can explain value for their suggestions! :-)

However, with time so precious, look at your list the way I'm viewing mine: If I could only do 3 things today, which three would my manager/team pick? Or my family? And which three would I choose? Tomorrow I might do one from everyone's list... today, I'm realizing my three reflect the best for most of them.

Rejection

2011-12-12T17:51:00.000-05:00

Those with a glass half-full see rejection as a lesson from which we can learn. Those with the glass half-empty see rejection as a broken rung on the ladder or another shovel full deeper for the current rut.

Either way, rejection can be a tough thing to swallow. (how's that for 5+ metaphors in 3 sentences?!)

Rejection can be a job not offered, a project on which we're not included, a mentor not found, a "no" for a request.... Rejection is anything where a someone cut us off.

"No" is a fact of life; we don't get only green lights. However, some rejections are because of lack of preparation.

Before you ask for the "sale", ask yourself:

Does everyone have all the information they need to come to an answer?
Why might someone say "no"?
Will a "no" be a final answer or can we ask for the reasoning and perhaps meet it? (can we even meet it in advance ...see 1st bullet...)
If they say no, what are the remaining options? Do we need to put some contingency plans in place?
Have we made it easy for someone to say "yes"?
Do they understand the what's in it for them (if they say "yes")?

There is a great parenting book that postulates that most of the time, when parents say "no", they really mean "not now" or "it's inconvenient" or "I'm uncomfortable". Which makes a "no" to be negotiable. In a professional situation, we say "no" for some of the same reasons. Which means we could cut rejection by a significant amount if we offer answers to the spoken and unspoken concerns before requesting our answer.

We're still going to get rejected for reasons outside of our control.... but first let's make sure we've covered all the aspects we can control.

No name tags please, I'm allergic

2011-12-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that - for those of us who can't remember names to save our lives - name tags are a necessity.
But other than being a prompt, there are more reasons why name tags should be left off the event toolkit.

1 - Everyone already knows who the *stars* in the room are. (if they don't, pick them out by the large crowd of folks vying for their attention)

2 - There are probably a dozen "Susans" or "Jims" in the room; we need to find a more compelling reason to be remembered.

3 - I don't want someone to look at my tag; I want them to first look at my face.

4 - Name tags clash with the good jewelry and shouldn't be stuck or clipped on good wool jackets.

5 - Name tags don't help break the ice or start a conversation.

6 - Imagine your grandma in a name tag. Doesn't work, right?

7 - Kids don't wear name tags and they all manage ok.

8 - People will try to remember your name if they want to remember you. Chances are they'll also take it away on a business card at that point.

9 - If you're going to stick a word on me, make it descriptive instead. "Scoffs at Convention" would be better than "Hi, my name is..."

10 - Life doesn't come with name tags. The hospital ties on on you so they don't misplace you but friends and family take the trouble to learn your name.

Hello, my name is...

2011-12-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

A local artist had a great cartoon in a coffee shop last week: it was Batman, carefully sticking on his "Hello my name is.." tag. What a great comment on both personal brand and a professional culture that insists on labelling us at events like lost kindergarten kids.

Life doesn't come with name tags. Thank goodness - they clash with the good jewelry.

Your smile, your handshake/hug. your clothing and your greeting contribute more to how someone will (or won't) remember you than an label or clip-on tag.

It doesn't matter that someone doesn't know your name. The name tag isn't a shortcut to a good introduction. The name tag doesn't make it easier for anyone to talk to strangers.

Networking is like dating... we meet someone at a party (bar, baseball game, etc.) and wander up to them because they seem interesting. Why should someone connect with you professionally? Know what you have to offer to your community and the rest falls into place.

Maybe if events had us describe ourselves in one word or two on a name tag that would be a great ice breaker! "Hi, so you're Nervously Networking? I'm Collaborative & Decisive!" Who says we have to write our names?.....

Plain speaking

2011-11-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

Some days I find the need to speak carefully to be exhausting. By that I don't mean being considerate of the feelings of others; that's not a chore. I do mean the normal hesitation everyone feels when expressing an opinion or saying what we're really thinking.

When I pay a compliment, I mean it. When I ask a question, usually I am really asking vs. being rhetorical or sarcastic. When someone asks my opinion, I try to answer honestly.

My mentors over the years have offered some good advice:

It helps to be aware that, sometimes, folks don't enter a conversation to be challenged - especially if they are not the initiator. So it's necessary to be respectful of this and bring them more gently into the debate.
No one likes to hear a flat "that's wrong" - which is a conclusion to be shared after a reasonable discussion is had which is backed by facts.
Speak plainly, openly and simply - but not bluntly or inconsiderately; be clear, don't dance around the topic and offer examples that make sense to the particular audience.
It's ok to disagree or have a different opinion if you offer it respectfully.

It's the last bullet that's hardest. It seems lately that folks don't welcome debate as frequently any more.

It's a great exercise to ask before offering our two cents "Do I really need folks to know that I know/think this?" - but it's not worth keeping quiet just because it might be contentious.

Following your passion

2011-11-20T17:02:00.001-05:00

I heard a lovely talk by George Kourounis at the Leader's Lounge inaugural event hosted by Drew Dudley of Nuance Leadership. I have heard both speakers before - especially around the concepts of using fear appropriately and what makes good, everyday leadership.

This time, the conversation also touched on passion and doing what you're good at. However, it wasn't about spending hours defining a goal /a passion and pursuing it. The two men talked about how they simply, in every job they'd had, understood what skills interested them at the time (I call it "what gets you out of bed in the morning"), pursued opportunities to use/expand those interests and how the cumulative effect lead them both to careers that were about all the skills from throughout their careers.

These aren't fellows close to retirement age. It may have taken a decade or two to get to where they are today but they were very clear that neither of them had foreseen the direction their careers would take. They simply followed their true interests - which lead them through many types of roles, all of which were very satisfying at the time.

Which is a great conversation with our mentors and mentorees:

Enjoy where you are today. And, if you don't, find something you can enjoy to do instead
Know yourself - and let that knowledge evolve
Plan ahead but understand the outcome is just a snapshot of what you know/who you are today
Be open to change if it's around skills that interest you even if the direction is unexpected

It's that last one for which I needed reminding. I don't need to control the ride; I need to enjoy it if it comes as a result of things that get me out of bed!

What holds you back from asking for what you want?

2011-11-14T20:06:00.001-05:00

The default answer is "fear"... but it is often more complicated than that.

Sometimes, it is "time". With all the hours spent at work, simply getting through the task list, and then the remaining hours spent with personal obligations (equally necessary and important), we run out of time to prepare our negotiation. Because asking for what you want, even if you're assured of getting it, is a negotiation.

Sometimes, it's hard to put an "ask" in language that doesn't sound like "gimme!" or "just trust me" - neither of which often work once we pass the age of three.

Sometimes, I don't even know what I want; I just know what I don't want. So it becomes harder to figure out what to change beyond knowing that change needs to happen.

Really, I think what holds back most of the folks I know (including me) is making a priority of framing what I want and booking the time to plan and ask for it. It is easier to wish / complain / hope then put yet another item into a crowded week.

I don't know if that's a gender thing - I see men and women both not making time for their own needs and desires. I wonder if it is because we're taught not to ask?

Best advice you'd give yourself?

2011-11-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

I would like to know: if you could give advice to yourself from 10 years ago, what would you say?

Would you have listened? And does it still apply?

And to whom would you turn to for similar guidance today? And do you listen?

(Being mentored is hard work! Listening the hardest part of all...)

What challenges have you faced in your career?

2011-10-31T21:57:00.000-04:00

That's the question I'm being asked tomorrow during a panel discussion on Women in Leadership.

It's a question often posed to a panel and that can be answered in many ways. I'm thinking about being completely honest in my response. This is hard because, while I've faced certain things, I'm not sure I always dealt with them well. One can only cope as best one can at that point in time; some of my "points in time" were not always very successful.

I've faced being an anglophone, albeit bilingual, in a francophone society during a stressful time. At 16, I handled a bomb threat... by calling my father for advice since at the time I figured the police might not be very sympathetic given the political climate/time/place.

My name is seen often as a man's name so folks expect a man to show up. (some amusing stories behind that statement...)

I've been a single parent for most of my adult life which is hard at the best of times (regardless of gender)... Ever try and make an 8am meeting when a 4 year old doesn't want to go to daycare on time? That job suggested very strongly that if I was going to show up at 8:02, then I should "examine my priorities." I did; I don't work there anymore.

I have had two major depressions - another topic not comfortably discussed in the workplace. My son was being bullied just as I had an opportunity to take a promotion that required some travel. I went through a divorce while working full time. I've had managers who tried to "grab" me and some who just liked to yell. And these are just the challenges I am willing to put to paper!

None of the above is extraordinary. Folks have been through as much if not more. Luckily, it's not a contest. We are the stars of our own show and when life is not going well, regardless of the reason, it simply feels miserable.

I've learned two very valuable lessons though:

I can get through almost anything.

Life will change again. The future will hold more good, bad and indifferent moments. I promise myself to do the best I can at the time and not wish I was more than I am.

I don't have to do it alone.

I have a community. Communities work best when they are interactive which includes letting them help.

I have years ahead of me still in my career and the challenge I'm most looking forward to? ... capturing the stories so I can laugh about them after.

Why do it?

2011-10-24T19:23:00.000-04:00

I ask this all the time; I hesitate on the brink of something wondering what the point/outcome might be. I'd be so much happier with a crystal ball some days!

It's a great question to ask - as long as it doesn't become the reason itself to not act. "What's the point?" is a sensible question when asked sincerely. Ask it with a sigh and you'll soon discover how much easier it is to stay on the fence/couch/sidelines.

Sometimes, we do it because we need to prove we can. Because the answer is "why not?". Because we don't always need to know a perfect outcome. Because we must. Because we are compelled. Because the only thing holding us back is fear and that's never the best reason.

Unless it poses a moral, ethical or physical danger, why not challenge your assumptions and those of your mentoring circles... Ask why do it? And maybe do it without a perfect answer.

Transforming

2011-10-18T19:12:00.000-04:00

Change happens every day. It's the scale and scope of the change that can make us uneasy - or the unexpectedness of it. But change itself is something we all actually do really well. From choosing fresh clothes to new homes to jobs to careers, big or small, day-to-day or long-range, we seek out and often embrace change.

We, as individuals, are constantly transforming and evolving. As is our world, technology, relationships... So it makes sense that our work transforms too.

Yet, transformation is often seen as 'optional' in the workplace: a choice. Whether a project, re-org or new assignment, scale and scope - the impacts of change - are often overlooked in favour of reciting the 'benefits'. (And change poorly planned is something about which to be uncomfortable)

Good transformation - personal or professional - isn't about convincing others that the right choices were made. It's about having a strong vision and first committing to it yourself. You are the best ambassador of the changes you wish to see.

Since we know that change isn't optional and that some change is going to happen whether we choose it or not, the trick is to make sense of the of the impacts - good, bad and neutral - and understand how this affects the goals (of the career, the home, the project, etc.)

The real key to transforming isn't living through the change; it's about having a a clear idea of where we are headed which helps us make better choices to guide us through whatever is thrown our way.

If I learned one thing today...

2011-10-13T16:56:00.000-04:00

...it is to always allow myself to be surprised.

Much of a parent/worker's life is keeping things in order, keeping track of minutes and tasks and trying to get through a list that is often too long for the day/week/year!

Head down, one foot in front of the other, we can plow through a day. Anything that takes us off course is bad as it will detract from what-must-be-done.

To be surprised means I have lifted my head and taken in my surroundings. Sometimes nothing is different. Sometimes there are people or ideas that stop me in my tracks. Maybe for a second or maybe for the day - but if I allow the surprise to happen, I can only be richer in my thinking and relationships.

Thank you to the lovely ladies who surprised me today with their generosity and insights.

Freedom Thinkers?

2011-09-29T03:00:00.000-04:00

Some days it's all about helping folks with change and their fears around it. Other days, it's like-minds who are embracing change - because change happens everyday; it's the scale of change that fluctuates.

I had a lovely lunch with Drew Dudley of Nuance Leadership who runs headlong into change with an open heart. We got into a great discussion on change and transformation, waving our forks and almost stabbing the waitress.

"We can't talk about change like it's happening outside our every day lives!" we cried. And then I broke into a fit of giggles. "Freedom thinkers. We need to form a group of freedom thinkers! Free from fear of change and free to ask the dumb questions that help us all embrace changes."

Except a few days later, the concept of freedom thinkers - while it still makes me smile - seems a thought worth pursuing.

I just need some help defining it....

Why we mentor

2011-09-26T03:00:00.000-04:00

I'm writing an undergrad course outline about a subject I think I know 'cold'...something I can do in my sleep...something for which I have years of experience. Yet, the blank page is hard to fill.

At what point do we cross the line between:

consciously learning/trying to become proficient; and
having habits and processes that allow us to to perform what used to be complex (for us) tasks by rote?

Aside from the old saying "You don't know what you don't know"... sometimes it's equally true that you forgot what you knew and how you knew it!

I ran into this the other day when I tried to explain how to pull together a video script. I can sit down and write one but delegating the effort was hard! Not because I did not want to hand it off to someone (more creative than me these days) but because I couldn't remember how to breakdown the approach that I simply did by rote.

This is why we mentor, teach and coach. Not just to share or learn new things - but to remember what we know and re-examine it.

Geekfeminism

2011-09-18T17:42:00.000-04:00

I just found a wiki that I can't decide if it's funny or not: geekfeminism

It's true; it's not true; it's slyly amusing; it's angry and fascinating.

For those women with a career in tech, the debate continues... While the stats continue to show that we're in the minority and paid less, the anecdotal evidence points to a better experience and gender weighting less than smarts. I know I don't feel at a disadvantage as a woman in IT but others do. I do know that seeing women in leadership positions is still difficult but I also advocate the right person for the job vs. filling a quota.

Anecdotally and statistically, it's all still a struggle in many other professions.

So what role can humour play? How can a wiki like that hurt/help the conversation?

The world will never be fair and equitable - the debate over whether everyone should be given exactly the same things regardless of circumstance or awarded based on impartial criteria that not everyone meets will rage on for many decades more. The library will not lower its bookcases because I'm short and peanuts will still be a commodity regardless of allergies.

That doesn't mean the conversations about how to evolve the criteria shouldn't continue. It was not long ago that simply having the wrong gender (colour/religion/etc.) cut us from certain jobs. Criteria has evolved. Humour can be a gentle way to further the conversation.

Humour can also distance folks. I've made many a gaff as a result of finding something funny but hadn't really thought through. That also prompted a deeper conversation.

So I carefully circulated the wiki to my 'choir' and am sharing it with this blog now. I only ever mean to further conversation, not beat any issue about the head with a shovel. Find it amusing or angry, continue the conversation wherever we find ourselves, using the tools as they arrive - including the humourous ones.

Thinking hard...

2011-09-14T21:40:00.000-04:00

I just listened to Cory Doctorow (you may know one of his outlets: boingboing) speak at the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) on the twists, turns and evils of digital copyright and the forgotten creator. If the subject interests you, it was podcast live and will most likely be circulating as I write.

I left the event, as I sometimes do, having spoken to no one. My sole purpose was to hear the speaker and maybe evolve an opinion of my own.

So why make it the topic of a networking/mentoring blog post? Because of something one audience member said. In introducing her question, she pointed out that everyone in the audience was "part of the choir", implying that we were of one mind even before listening to the presentation.

Now it is useful, enjoyable or even uplifting to be in a room of like-minds. But it got me thinking... as often as we attend/participate in things for which we already have an affinity - how many times do we also seek out the unknown or even the oppposing view? Is it a reflection of insecurity or blinkered approaches that would cause someone to only go to safe/known opinions/events etc.? I know the current North American movie industry is born of this phenomenon but can we as "thinkers"/mentors/ leaders buck the trend?

I had no opinion - as an artist or consumer - on the topic tonight. I felt I should have one and this was the start of my research. But it made me question how deeply I choose to look when investigating issues - and how deeply I press my mentorees to look.

Would I choose to seek out the other side of the argument (e.g. digital locks = goodness) or, once a nascent opinion is formed, stop there till new information might cross my path? Do I challenge others to do so or encourage them to find like minds to buffer ourselves against challenge?

Of course, depending on the size of the issue and the personal impact, the journey to become informed is smaller or bigger. But is my process to learn/think and form new ideas/opinions based on the easiest access to information or a desire to truly examine issues? How far am I willing to go to become informed? Am I willing to risk having to change my mind if I get enough new information? Shouldn't I be so willing? Am I consciously choosing to keep challenging myself on important issues that way?

I'll have to think about that...

Kindness

2011-09-12T03:00:00.000-04:00

A little goes a long way.

peopleforgood.ca has taken that concept and asked folks to add a little personal generosity in our days. Not with money but with a good deed. Not a new concept but I love the fact they're using social media and advocating a 'movement.'

It takes nothing to be kind - to hold a door; say thanks; share a pen; smile.

The folks I admire most have always made kindness part of their legacy. Some add generosity but, even on a bad day, one can always be kind.

So thanks for reading :-)

Walls, dead ends and doors

2011-09-08T19:07:00.000-04:00

Some weeks are not worth clean socks or commuting time. We run out of time, of patience, of ideas... We encounter "no" where we need "yes" and blank stares where we hoped for comprehension. A mistake, bad news, a poor night's rest, unwelcome surprises and even one icky day can skew the week.

We've all had them.

It's easy to see the walls and dead ends during a week like that; I fixate on them. So how to also see the doors?

One of my mentors said that mistakes and set backs are part of the path so you can figure out where to go next.

So if we have a clear vision of what we're trying to achieve over a year/career/life... one week of ick is not going to be a very big wall or dead end. The vision is the door.

I've got my clean socks ready for tomorrow.

Networking - common questions around meeting new folks

2011-09-05T19:28:00.000-04:00

Most of the questions I get are around meeting new folks:

"How soon before I can ask for a job/lead/idea/etc.?"

For sure not at the beginning of building a relationship. While there is give and take in all our interaction (friends, coworkers, family), relationships are not bank machines and you can't build a connection without first establishing a bridge.

If you think about why you answer other folks' requests for help, it's likely because they have been there for you along the way.

I prefer to start by approaching new relationship not for what they can bring to me but what I might bring to them.

"Why would anyone want to talk to me?"

As per above, for what you have to offer! However, the best thing I've seen folks do is offer their full attention and listen.

We don't know just by looking who is or isn't going to be an interesting addition to our circles. Everyone has something to offer but sometimes timing is poor and the connections slips or doesn't happen. This doesn't make you any less valuable/interesting than anyone else in the room.

You can ask your new acquaintances questions (preferably beyond the "so what do you do?" genre) or probe for opinions about the speaker/presentation (work or kid's soccer game), the setting (could be a grocery store line!), the book in their hand... And then be genuinely interested in the response. Most folks will happily talk away to you at that point.

If you are at a formal networking event, consider first why you want to speak to others. Set a goal and probe the room.

"Do I just walk up to strangers and introduce myself?"

If they are at a networking event, then it's a given that you're expected to talk to strangers.

If you are moving through the various settings of a day, then yes again - however those interactions often start with a shared glance/smile or comment and then one or both of you can choose to carry the conversation forward.

If you prefer, a less direct approach in any situation, consider asking a friend to make introductions for you. (in dating, that's the 'wingman')

"Do I have to meet new people?"

Nope. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to even read the rest of this post! Networking isn't medicine; it's a philosophy.

"Where can I meet new people?"

Everywhere. Elevators, meetings, line ups, bus stops, you name it - folks are there for the meeting.
Keeping yourself open to encounters and enjoying the interaction are all it takes.

I've got lots of networking tips throughout this blog but the best tip I have is take a breath and smile at folks; it's really that simple.

Tech and Science jobs

2011-08-28T22:52:00.000-04:00

It's been a debate that has come up a lot this summer. The papers often say that jobs are still opening in the technology sector(s), the counsellors are telling the teens to look at technology; the recruiters tell us there is a 'war for talent' coming and yet many remain unconvinced.

While I believe there is space for women in the IT sector and that just about everyone should do one turn of some sort in a technology area to really look at what's underpinning most industries, there are some interesting arguments around pay, gender and what even defines true technology.

A posting by Philip Greenspun (whose blog is up-to-date but this posting is one of his older ones) looks at the financial implications of seeking jobs in mathematics or scientific fields - more on the academic and research (R&D) side but still interesting. He examines a "fourth possible explanation for the dearth of women in science: They found better jobs." Greenspun then goes on to examine how a career in R&D math/science tracks against other choices.

"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." -- Albert Einstein

Toss into the mix the current saying that one should follow one's passion and the money will come. What if the field doesn't have the money? Pure arts, pure mathematics... As a mentor, do you counsel folks to follow their heart or their wallets? Are we forced to choose between the two?

Daniel Pink and Richard Florida both write about how money cannot be the prime motivating factor for any knowledge worker. While we need to feed and shelter ourselves (and our families), not all the reward can come from the paycheque itself.

So - are careers primarily a matter of being very practical or a path with chosen meaning?

I think steps/jobs along the way of a chosen path should be done with your head - but the overall career/direction should come from your desires and dreams. (Which means that a side journey or deliberate path through technology can still fit a plan)

Talking to strangers

2011-08-23T00:49:00.000-04:00

There is no magic pill. Mostly, it's a deep breath and "just do it" decision. Our mentors will encourage us. Our networks will support us. But, in the heat of the moment, it's just you and a big world full of strangers.

There are some terrific blogs out there on this topic - some with great perspective and some with checklists.

For large events, the blog Do the Work has a great post about meeting folks at professional events. My blog has covered the topic over many posts. Feel free to leave your favourites here for others.

But why start swimming at the deep end of the pool? You meet folks every day. Do you find yourself hiding in corners at work? Ducking behind the cereal displays at the store? Lurking behind a tree when someone walks down the street? <grin> You might even nod and say hi.

Try not to think of meeting strangers (or acquaintances) as something you only do at events. It's a daily practice and, like all well-cultivated habits, you can master it till you don't remember how not to smile and greet new faces.

I can write about how to do it till my keyboard wears out. You first need to simply decide you will try.

Connect today

2011-08-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

It's summer. Patios. Sunshine. Better moods. And yet we're still avoiding eye contact, using our smartphones as defence mechanisms, and rushing by before any one can say "Hi, nice day, eh?".

Resolve to smile at folks as you walk by them today.
Respond to "How are you?" by actually halting in your tracks and responding "Great! And how are you?" and expect an answer.
Share an eye roll with a stranger when that teen pushes through the crowd forgetting about the massive backpack that swings within inches of your phone.

I'm sure you've got a better list than mine but you get the picture :-)

We don't have to take everyone home. We do need to be a bit more open to meeting the folks who share our path.

Everyone is creative

2011-08-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Really. Everyone.

The issue is in how we define creativity. Most folks associate it solely with the arts and large acts such as writing a film or composing music.

Think of creativity as either producing
1 - something from nothing (e.g. a script; a painting; etc.) or
2 - something new from something existing (e.g. problem solving; repurposing everyday objects; etc.)

This puts the idea of creativity on a scale and takes some of the pressure off having to be dazzling with every effort. Not everyone will be a concert pianist or executive (virtuoso levels) but everyone can potentially play some piano and add value to a team (craftsmen levels).

By the same argument, given there are only 7 notes in a music scale or only (supposedly) 7 plot lines, perhaps creativity is more about repurposing than anyone imagines! lol

We need creative thinkers. They figure out how to save projects, the environment and health risks. We need visual, emotional and cognitive stimulation from our artists.

Creativity is, ultimately, about offering perspective. (Mentoring is therefore a creative act.) And so everyone can be creative.

The matrix that is your community

2011-08-10T22:50:00.000-04:00

Yes, it was a movie title. It's also what a good network /community looks like. Mirriam-Webster defines matrix as "something within or from which something else originates, develops, or takes form"... (which I admit I had to read a few times to work it out)

Matrices are all around us. It is the web (pardon the IT pun) through which we navigate to achieve ends and in which we participate. You build your own, large or small. (However, you are not a spider in the centre waiting to take advantage of unwitting prey!)

Our own network is simply one of many intersection points. In theory, we're all part of one global network if we can just find enough connections points. It's the six degrees of separation theory.

One person can be part of and move through many points across the matrix. This allows your question/request/idea or even influence to be spread wider than you could possibly do by trying to reach everyone yourself.

Which means a few things:
1 - everyone can be of some value to everyone else unless you're a hermit on a mountain top (and maybe even then...) so it's less about hierarchy or finding only folks more senior to you (in age, rank, social standing, etc.) and more about building some honest relationships in your matrix
2 - the folks you have around you today may ebb and flow into other circles closer/farther over time but, if you have a good connection, they will always be part of your network
3 - everyone is part of the matrix /network whether they believe in networking or not. Those who actively cultivate relationships will simply have a broader reach across the matrix but everyone (unless you're that hermit) is in a network every day.

Networking is not about the big event and schmooze. Networking is simply how the world works.

Life gets in the way

2011-08-08T22:30:00.000-04:00

My kid is "camping" in the home office this month. He's renovating his room... which really means excavating 7 years worth of clothing on the floor, odds bits of wood/string/mechanical parts/guitar pics and probably some dishes with mummified remains. So he is crashing on our spare couch and graciously asking me if I need computer time just as I get ready for bed.

All of which means it's awkward for me to get to my computer (as I prefer to write this blog at home - lol).

And then Blogger keeps having issues and locking us bloggers out for a day or two at a time.

Which means I don't write a post.

And then... it's summer... and... well... you know...

Which means I don't even remember I write a blog.

All of which made me realize how easy it is to let life get in the way.

We all tend to gravitate to what is convenient, simple or quick. From email spelling (u no wht I mean) to a 'to do' list (more fun to write than tackle), we allow ourselves to be gently steered off course.

Some days, that's just fine. We need a break or a moment of reflection or perhaps just a nap! As long as the detours don't sabotage the life you're hoping to create, go ahead. Our kids/friends/parents can take precedence over a meeting! Our health can trump an obligation. A good book can circumvent laundry sorting.

Life is meant to be lived and not planned to the last second; life is a freestyle event. Things will arise and you will need to 'go with the flow'.

As long as you don't let the little things pile up in your way too often that you get off course - whatever a "course" means to you.

I can share my home office for a while this month; there are books to be read on the porch while the sun still shines after dinner.

Failure is an option... the first time

2011-08-02T17:25:00.000-04:00

"If you at first you don't succeed, you're running about average." M H Alderson

The world has become risk adverse; for good or ill, it has. We're more careful about the jokes we make, the way we bank, the food we buy, the environment we effect, etc.

As individuals, it has been argued that we are also more reticent to experiment in our day-to-day lives and make a potential mistake. The word "mistake" has often become synonymous with the concept of "disaster".

No one gets it right all the time. No one - if you actually ask them - expects us to get it right each time. Should we be more careful and deliberate with the big projects and decisions that can ripple across many folks? Absolutely! Should we be tiptoeing through our daily decisions? Probably not.

Every week, I try and challenge myself to do try something new: a food; a process; talking to a stranger... often it doesn't result in any great insight, rarely does it give me a rash or nightmares , usually it's just me pushing at my own limits.

And regardless of how it turns out, it's ok to make a second attempt. We can't predict the perfect outcome each time; we can only improve on what we've learned from previous attempts.

Onward!

Small changes; more choices

2011-07-26T15:11:00.000-04:00

So - I've been in Newfoundland recently (thus had no idea that, once again, blogs were not posting...sorry!). It is a beautiful province - rocks, whales, cliffs, trails and a sense that one can take time and 'catch up'. I put away my Blackberry, used the iPad only to watch a movie/read a book and challenged myself to tell time by my hunger only.

And I watched folks in summer finery when I wasn't distracted by the greener scenery.

20+ years ago, no one would have shown a bra strap (which made spaghetti strap tanks/dresses a more difficult option). Then Madonna made underwear into outerwear. And now bra straps of all colours and ilks peek from sleeveless garments across the land. It's marvellous! It is a 'hang up' no more!

15 years ago I taught a class where, in a film clip, an advertising executive stated "Hair colour? Ah, once we have you there, we have you for life!" (one of my grandmothers dyed her hair coal black till her 90s) Today, colouring one's hair is no longer a secret. Roots are a fact of life. Highlights, low lights, rinses and full out colour - it's all about choice for women and men. Even green or blue streaks are found across our country.

Bare legs. Ah. I remember one job working in front of a fast fryer where "all ladies must wear nylons" which melted against our legs with the grease spatters.

It's little changes that have created more choices for women. Things our daughters take for granted (as they should) - open toed sandals and green or purple nailpolish; public belly laughs and acknowledging that not only do women "glow" but we perspire! (heat wave anyone?)

My bra strap today is mandarin coloured, my toes are coral and my legs are bare so my new tattoo can heal better. These are my choices; thank you Madonna and all the women who continue to pave the way for more options.

Summertime

2011-07-13T20:03:00.000-04:00

It's time. Time to break out the book, the chair, the cold drink, the beach shoes, the hiking pack...or whatever means summer to you.

It's especially time to have a long chat and reconnect with the most important person in your circle: you.

So kick back, out, or in - whatever works! - and give yourself some sunshine thoughts and a moment to breathe.

Networking and mentoring are best when part of a routine that includes: you.

Lenses

2011-07-10T21:46:00.000-04:00

The only lens through which you can understand someone else is your own. Which is why it's often hard for us to understand or connect... but not impossible.

Building your network, connecting, making friends, soliciting champions, getting closer, understanding those who won't move closer... it's iterative and slow and often unfolds in unexpected ways. And yet, no one with a solid circles of companions and peers around them ever seems to complain :-)

Sometimes we wonder about the 'hidden' motivations of those around us when things aren't going well ... or assign not-so-nice motivations to those not supporting our efforts or style. But really, we are simply attributing our own 'what-I'd-be-meaning-by-that-if- it-was-me' or even thinking the worst because we assume others think the worst of us.

Really, sometimes it is just the best the other person can do. The choice remains ours to keep trying, to explain, to decide to shrug it off or to actively retaliate to the perceived situation. But I always try to remember that, short of hiring a mind reader, I don't know why someone is not playing 'nice'. I can guess... but I don't know.

So maybe the anger or bitterness or just plain obtuseness has nothing to do with us personally. The only thing to do is make sure those filters are removed from our own lenses and choose how to move ahead. Our own motivations are the only ones that we can control.

Women and technology jobs

2011-06-30T00:15:00.000-04:00

It's a perfect fit. I'm not being sarcastic.

I don't know what careers/jobs/projects in any sector exist that are not touched by technology unless I count Roller Derby Queen or Ice Cream Taster... both of which I hope to do one day...

Women are huge consumers of technology - buying, using, developing and championing. We are some of the drivers behind the growth of social media. (Nevermind that LinkedIn doesn't think so)

While many folks still look at IT as being about math and engineering skills, it's much much more than. It's understanding your audience/customer. It's the tools that employees need to do their jobs. It's the way we exchange knowledge, money, goods and a key arena in which we deepen relationships.

Not all technology jobs are for technologists; why aren't more women applying?

Hidden rules - continued

2011-06-28T00:33:00.000-04:00

Great emails, intriguing comments, even a few phone calls.

Terry Doner noted that: "I was recently reading about a noted gender difference, specifically that females tend to value 'relationship' more than men. If you accept that as a frequently truth, then rather than just being a 'hidden rule', it could also be that women care more about those details and so are likely to pursue them."

This may be so. Which makes it potentially a strength and worth discussing. I believe men and women value relationships but maybe it's fair to say that men value more the results/outcomes of having them while women value more the development of them? We need both approaches.

Gary Zavitz wrote "...it might depend on organization size, particular work culture and prevailing attitudes. Key issue is qualifying the term, 'workplace': SMB? Mid-sized? Large corporate? Public or Private Sector? Profit/Non-Profit?..."

Yes, variables always influence things. Dress codes in non-profit might allow for more self-expression. Larger companies sometimes have hidden pockets of better/worse examples. etc. But hidden rules are across all industries regardless. That's not a bad thing; hopefully in some areas/industries there is better conversation around the issues too!

One reader pointed out that her hidden rule was around women apologizing for or qualifying prior to actually coming out with their idea. I worked for a woman once who had us all put a dollar on the table every time we did that. We had enough to take the team for drinks in 4 meetings (not-for-profit).

Do men also get pushback on self-expression? Perhaps they don't seem to mind it; they ignore it or choose to work within it?
An anonymous comment speculated that "...complain, complain, complain. What people without real talent do. Get the right skill set and compete, instead of complaining about being held back by men- wasted energy"

Which of course is the point. Have the conversation. Make the corrections/add the skill/face the challenge. Make it your choice vs. the unspoken expectation. Together, we can help others understand the expectations.

HIdden rules

2011-06-23T11:01:00.000-04:00

A recent discussion around "hidden rules" for women claimed there were none; that any lurking in the background were the 'culture' of the specific company/workplace and not about gender.

I was floored. I think there are many unspoken expectations of women in the workplace. I also believe most are more habit than done out of spite but we still need to point them out. Perhaps we may even choose to keep some of them - but that's choice vs. silent pressure.

So what rules do you still see in your workplace?

My list (to grow with your input) that women will:

Take the notes/minutes of the meeting
Dress gender neutral
Sit on the social committee
Provide the cake/goodies for celebrations
Not raise her voice too loudly
Have an extra pen /tylenol / tissue
Not call attention to herself (wild hair style, big jewelery, unpopular opinion, loud laugh, etc.)

Anything to add?

Don't take your eye off the pot...

2011-06-20T17:01:00.000-04:00

So there I went... happily assuming that my timed posts would publish last week as planned. I had pre-populated the blog so as to focus on another project.

Imagine my surprise this week when I saw that none of them had posted.

Delegating is key to survival these days. The amount of tasks in a given day/week/month is very large and we need to call on our communities to get everything done. From my kid doing my laundry in exchange for me remembering to buy groceries, to my team keeping projects going when I'm called away on something unexpected, team work is everything.

However, you can't just set a pot on the stove and walk away. Aside from the fire hazard (lol), you do need to poke your head back in the kitchen throughout the process. And remember to turn off the stove at the end.

Losing a week's posts reminded me that no one and nothing is infallible; it's always worth keeping an eye on things.

"Nice" doesn't mean "soft"

2011-06-09T12:13:00.000-04:00

My kid asked me the other day why folks sometimes try to push me around. (sigh... it happens to the best of us...) It was a great discussion that lasted all the way to the fish & chip place and back.

The words "nice", "kind" and "thoughtful" get applied to me. Don't get me wrong; I'm proud to be described as such! I think being liked - or at least tolerated :-) - is a great way to have better relationships. But having those qualities doesn't mean that I will want you to like me any any cost - including when things need to be done.

I believe we should treat folks equally; say "please" and "thanks"; encourage people to feel valued through their input and actions; and offer a gentle approach whenever possible. We should be sincere in being kind and considerate in discussion.

But if you then turn around and tell me to get stuffed (nicely or otherwise), or become an impediment to a project, I can firmly (and yet still nicely) push back. If you get rude or pose a risk to the community's decision, then I reserve the right to bypass you.

I think the cliche that if one is kind to folks, one is a pushover is finally becoming dated. You can lead with humour and grace and still get things done. A kinder, gentler world can still be an efficient world!

Finding a mentor - part 2

2011-06-07T15:03:00.000-04:00

Always select a mentor based on how you define success; they should embody one or more of those criteria.

The issue can be that many of us don't define success for ourselves beyond a title, rank or span of control. (If that's all it took, success would be easy!) Defining success is also part of knowing what we value.

If we don't define success for ourselves, how do we know when we achieve it? I'm not talking about the years-from-now vision...but today, this month and this year.

Today's success for me was going to be about better time management (an ongoing battle). This month, success will encompass strong people management.

Currently, I have one of my mentors coaching me on people management because she's very very good at it; I consider her to be a successful people manager - and she prizes that skill. That's one of the reasons I picked her. I believe my success this year will be to add "great people manager" to my reputation. We share a definition of success in this area and thus she becomes a potential mentor - our values align here.

We hear about folks because of their status, reputation and past accomplishments. We get to understand them through their values. We should pick mentors who reflect our success criteria - which is a reflect of our values.

Networking is part of all events and meetings

2011-05-31T18:42:00.000-04:00

Networking does not happen only when the title of the meeting says "Networking" or when it's specifically called out in the agenda.... Actually, when it's in an agenda, that's when most folks slip out of the room to check e-mail or catch the train home!

Networking isn't an activity outside of our regular days. Networking is every greeting, every meeting, every chance encounter and every time you have the chance to introduce your self/team/purpose.

We are constantly strengthening existing connections and making new ones. While setting aside time in an agenda to do this is terrific - we should realize it is happening constantly and make the most of the opportunities.

I am planning a business meeting for 100+ folks Wedsnesday! (thus only one post this week) I expect the attendees to talk as a table, as a larger group, as peers and as friends. I'm mixing up the seating so folks will find themselves with the know and unknown. I'm driving conversation in groups of 8, 100 and 2!

Nowhere do I use the word networking - not in the agenda, speaking notes or subjects. Yet, I know if this event is successful that networking will be the piece that makes it so.

There is no checklist for networking...

2011-05-26T03:18:00.000-04:00

Of course there is... there is a checklist for everything. But what I really mean by the title is that a checklist is not going to make you a master networker.

A checklist can list tasks, outline a plan or serve as a "reminder" but it can't build a relationship for you.

The shelves are full of 'how to' books on networking; some of them are even worth reading. :-) However, if an instruction sheet could solve our hesitations, fears and (sometimes) missteps for networking, we'd all be masters of the trade by now.

It all starts with "why" you are building a network which, in turn, informs "how". If you're not using a checklist to build friendships, then consider building professional relationships in the same spirit?

Looking for a mentor - part 1

2011-05-24T03:58:00.000-04:00

The debate about how senior a mentor should be to a mentoree is a tough question.

Does seniority make that person any better than someone else at anything?
Does their seniority reflect their experience, their luck or a combination?
Is mentoring better first established through the lens of seniority vs. experience?
Does what we seek from mentoring require hierarchical mentor or an experienced one?

I think many of us approach the seniority of a mentor in two ways:
1 - with a secret hope that, like a fairy godmother, the senior person will personally champion our cause and shepherd us to stardom (like an apprentice or favoured pupil)
2 - with the assumption that the because the person has seniority in an industry, that they are self-aware

Sometimes, #1 can come true. But not often. Mentoring - both sides of the relationship - involves hard work. Good mentors often have several mentorees, leaving the individuals to find and define success for themselves. Mentorees often have several mentors - who can't all take you to the top of their ladders. So #1 isn't often an ideal way to approach mentoring.

#2 still puts the onus on the person seeking mentoring. When you select a mentor, if seniority is your first criteria, you may not be clear on what you're actually seeking. You may be stuck on the #1 dream :-) A good mentor is self-aware in order to be able to share why they are successful - or at least self-aware for the areas you wish to explore.

I'm not saying that seniority isn't part of your consideration in selecting a mentor or agreeing to take on a mentoree. It just should not be the first consideration?

Twitter: Notable one-liners

2011-05-17T03:26:00.000-04:00

Some kids wanted to be firemen or doctors. Some wanted to be great chefs or teachers. Me? I wanted to write gory murder mysteries and be immortalized like Oscar Wilde for a few great quotes.

Fast forward to 2011 and the rise of Twitter. We're learning to introduce ourselves with "elevator pitches" and be pithy in 140 characters or less. I'm becoming a big fan of the concise!

Below is a list of the Similar Circles philosophy done in Twitter-sized bites:

Women
1. I'd rather wear heels than date them.
2. Not having women around your leadership table is like having only third basemen on your baseball team. Or only eating with a knife.
3. Employees and customers are the same people. Women are employees and customers, not an afterthought or third consideration.
4. Being 'thin' is worth more salary for women? But my brain is so fat!!
5. It's never too late to speak up - icky things mostly grow in dark quiet places - raise your voice and make it harder for ick!
6. Why is 'artist' a less respected way to earn a living than 'engineer'? Why is 'emotion' a female weakness and 'logic' a male strength?

Networking
1. Food is the best way to start building bridges. Coffee and chocolate are natural conversation starters.
2. Give folks a reason to give you 15 min of their time - long enough for a coffee, short enough that they don't feel the pressure...
3. My next living room will be a coffee shop :-)
4. For some, a handshake can be the only actual touch in a day. And people wonder why I prefer to hug...
5. Relationships are the heart of everything - from crisis mgmt to parenting to careers. It's all about people.

Leadership & Change
1. What are we doing today that we shouldn't be doing?
2. Having an interesting idea is not leadership. Getting folks to try that idea is!
3. Voicemail is not a productivity tool - floating messages across sea of coffee works faster.
4. Persuasion is a great leadership skill even if it's also practiced by con artists.
5. Isn't true leadership: finding the greatness in others and helping them use it?
6. Does the end justify the motivation?
7. My debate today: Change needs a catalyst but does the catalyst define the change?
8. Would you rather follow a cause or a person?
9. Discomfort with change doesn’t make change go away.
10. True leadership, like parenting, sometimes means sitting in the backseat ...far from the controls and trusting the student driver.
11. Critical thinking needs creativity.

Mentoring
1. Intense discussions are best held in daylight.
2. Someone who insists they're always 'right' will ‘miscommunicate’ with you a lot. A bottle of Shiraz will not help them change their mind.
3. What spurs more personal growth - pain or joy? Tradition says pain but then why are so many folks caught in past hurts?
4. Don't wanna be known as 'original'...everyone is original...wanna be 'sincere, intelligent, talented, effective and interesting'!
5. Take flight - the best ideas come when you're in mid-air
6. We can't strengthen our ideas if we only talk with folks who agree with us.

Wishing everyone joy to share and community to spare.

Is it networking if you have to shout?

2011-05-12T03:51:00.000-04:00

Call me silly but I don't know that one can really network in a room so loud and crowded that you can't hear the person shouting next to you.

The room was hip. The sponsor was on the ball. The crowd was eclectic. But there was no room to move - folks lined up down the stairs - and then the music started playing. The lack of space and noise level kept folks only talking to those they already knew and could comfortably yell into their faces.

All of us who hold events wrestle with the same things: how many is too many? how much fun? how much facilitation? what exactly is a networking event to a particular crowd?

If folks will mostly talk to those they know - do events need some hands-on guidance beyond simply being thrown into one room?

Call it "facilitating" or being a "hosting", would you prefer an event where:

Someone actively introduced pairs around the room throughout the event?
Room chatter was periodically broken with a message, a door prize or a piece of information to give a natural break in which you could circulate?
Attendees were guided and encouraged around networking before and during the event beyond simply being in the same room?

I don't know that there is a one-size-fits-all answer. I am interested in what you think makes a successful event!

It's ok to make a 'break' part of the plan

2011-05-10T03:33:00.000-04:00

Yes, there was a lag on the blog. Sometimes life gets in the way - most notably when we celebrate the end of someone's life. We take a deep breath and then pick the daily pieces back up.

It shouldn't take a major event to create permission to stop for a moment. In our planning and networking for careers and lives, a breather can be as refreshing as achieving a milestone.

So a once-in-a-while breather should also be in your personal development plan.

Before my friend died, he pointed out to me that it was ok to stop now and then. If you have truly achieved some momentum in life, coasting for a moment will not have any harmful effect. In fact, coasting might provide some perspective and the capacity for a fresh idea. (I have a mentor who calls this "shower time" as he feels the only time he has to free-associate is in the shower.)

So the last 2 1/2 weeks I let the internet and world drift by without me (it seemed to do fine too... drat!). I'm recharged and you're here reading so perhaps the break was as good as a post for us both?

Mentoring and networking - all about relationships

2011-04-19T03:27:00.000-04:00

I'm sure I must have gotten on this soapbox before?

Mentoring and networking are relationship-based and value-driven.

Seems obvious in theory but harder in practice. Relationships take time to establish trust and common goals and identifiers. Value is hard to define and very tied to an individual's goals. Usually, folks ask for mentors or start to network during a crisis when time is short and that's why the exercise gets the 'insincere' or 'grabby' labels.

I also read a lot about the process of mentoring and networking (sometimes I even write about it). But, like any process, when it hits a snag or a unique situation, it doesn't always leave you with any other tools at hand.

Basically, one falls back on relationships - the overlapping circles of your community that support you and are supported by you. The community you've been building for months/years. Everyone wants to help. Everyone wants to do the 'right thing'.... but when we're inundated with requests, we'll help those with whom we have a relationship of value first.

So practice your introductions. Know your goals. Make a long-term development plan. But understand none of this happens in isolation and all of it requires a community around you for success. So, first and foremost, build relationships - with genuine interest and caring all around.

Icebreakers

2011-04-14T10:47:00.000-04:00

Whether an activity to kick off a large event or just as a simple line to start a conversation, people struggle to find fun and sincere ice breakers.

Because I feel artificial and struggle, sometimes I forget that this is also how most folks feel. Sometimes, it isn't important how terrific your opening as much as someone just needs to create one because then, with relief, everyone will start to participate.

My favourite ice breaker is to introduce an open ended question that either must be debated, considered or requires more than a one word answer. "How are you?" does not work because "Fine" is the standard response :-) "What do you do for a living?" does not work because either someone doesn't wish to be defined by their job or is now worried you're looking for one.

I have used - with success - "What brought you here today?" "Where did you get those shoes?" "This is a big crowd - do you know anyone?"

Of course we stay within our comfort zones when choosing a question - mine might not work for you!

For large events, I try to encourage folks to mingle and talk by giving them an excuse to do so. Like a glass of wine, an ice breaker at an event is a social lubricant. Some events, it's a group quiz; others I will pose a challenge.

Folks want to mingle; they just don't want to feel like it is forced when they approach someone. So make it easy for them by swallowing your own discomfort and finding a simple way to create an opening. Chances are, everyone will follow your lead.

Don't hesitate to ask someone to be a mentor

2011-04-12T03:01:00.000-04:00

Hesitation is a great thing to have: you look twice before crossing a busy street; you double check lists; you ask an extra question before agreeing.

Hesitation doesn't work as well when seeking a mentor.

Too often, we find ourselves waiting for the 'perfect' mentor... or the right moment to approach someone... or just until we have an 'in' ... or the right introduction. Any number of things can have us talking about how great having a mentor would be and even more reasons why we haven't asked someone yet.

Yes, sometimes a great opportunity will present itself if you wait patiently. More often than not, you need to create that opportunity. What's the worst thing that can happen? They might say no. (gasp) But no one will think less of you for asking.

We only hold ourselves back when we don't ask for what we want or need. Hesitation helps us evaluate risk; don't use hesitation to avoid doing something that carries much more benefit than downside.

When should we act like men?

2011-04-06T17:42:00.000-04:00

It was a hot topic the other day on a few sites. It generated some great discussion.

I believe our behaviour is situational. I'm not a 'mom' all the time, nor am I lady (no snickering :-) - though I try not to swear like a sailor when I'm not at a pub with my IT peers.

However, I am consistent in my ethical framework at all times even if how I deliver my message takes differing forms.

My brain has no gender. The "right action" to solve a problem has no gender. Negotiation is less about gender and more about creating opportunity for dialogue.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think it's all a bed of roses to be a woman or that there are not some serious issues still to face even here in Canada. Sexual harassment, rape, abuse, misogyny are all still kicking.

But we were asked when women should act like men and I'm still struggling with what that really means. What are unique female or male behaviours? I have been known to be a girl on a date. It has helped to have a man's name sometimes. But I am the sum of my ideas and actions; I find it hard to identify any of those as uniquely female with the exception of birthing my child.

Oh! and as a woman I can hug a friend without anyone flinching.

Maybe the real question - that no one asked - should have been: "When should men act like women?"

I would have been most interested in that answer!

What if...examine your excuses

2011-03-24T03:05:00.000-04:00

We all have excuses for not doing things. I am a prime procrastinator; I'll happily spend hours talking about why I can't do something when it might only take me a few minutes to actually do it.

So when mentors or mentorees tell me how they hesitate to do whatever... I tell them about the "what if..." game. It's how my son prepped to ask for his first date; how I got up the nerve to ask for my first mentor; and a great way to realize how silly some of our fears and stumbling blocks can be.

This is how it works:
Imagine the situation you have been avoiding.
Ask yourself "What if I actually do/say/try this, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
Then answer yourself "What would you do if that worst thing happened?"
Then imagine the next worst outcome... and so on.

This is how it worked with my son...

What if you actually ask her out?
She could point a finger at me and laugh.
And what would you do then?
I'd die of humiliation.
Really die?
Probably just be embarrassed.
And then what would you do?
Walk away probably.
What else could she do?
Tell her friends I'm an idiot.
Then what would you do?
Probably agree with her and ask someone else out.
What else?
She could slap me.
What would you do then?
Duck.
What else?
She could say "yes".
What would you do then?
Ask you for money to take her to a movie....

He got the date. She liked his confidence.

I got the mentor.

A friend talked her way into a job. Another started approaching strangers at networking events and just introducing herself.

If you're not prepared, your fears will get the best of you. Take a good look at what's really stopping you and walk yourself through it. You'll be surprised how many barriers "what if" removes.

Listening - a lost art

2011-03-22T03:30:00.000-04:00

if you’re asking questions or drawing conclusions you’ve stopped listening.

Does that make listening passive? No. It takes effort to keep focused, in the moment and absorbing the information before attempting to process it.

I'm a terrible listener. I interrupt. I get impatient as I can see the conclusion coming a mile away (makes it hard to read poorly written murder mysteries). Non-sequitors pop out of my mouth as ideas flow. I want every moment to be a two way conversation.

Listening is part of having a conversation. Listening provides a mirror; allows the other person to complete a thought and prepare for yours; listening offers a means of showing respect and building trust. Listening is a great skill to offer as a mentor and to use when networking.

The next time there's a pause in a conversation, don't jump to fill it. See what happens if you simply nod and say "Take your time; I'm listening."

Influence the outcome

2011-03-15T03:18:00.000-04:00

Some folks call it the butterfly effect. Some say 'karma'. Today, let's call it dominoes.

Each action or choice opens a new set of doors. Each interaction can create chains of reactions. Each idea ripples beyond the initial impact.

Every time you share an idea with someone - suggest a perspective - support a person/project - you can't always control the outcome but you do influence it. And leadership isn't about span of control as much as it is about influencing outside that span so that people and projects mesh better and more broadly.

So what does that mean in terms of mentoring or networking? It means that you can create change one person at a time. The little discussions that resonate with folks - that are deliberately sought or not - are the ones that become embedded in plans, philosophies and attitudes.

Which always makes me feel that I should be more deliberate in my interactions... but it's really not about that. It's about approaching everything while being true to my passions and beliefs and being open to the input of others to change/shape them further.

FYI - National Mentoring Month... missed it again...

2011-03-10T03:05:00.000-05:00

National Mentoring Month celebrated its 10^th anniversary during January 2011.

I missed it. Did you?

We're swamped with "day of.." this and "month of..." that. Even the causes to which we're attached get lost in the shuffle.

However, as terrific a cause as promoting and celebrating mentoring is... the main idea is to participate - year round!

Check out this Canadian site that looked at mentoring month and offers some resources.
http://www.wincanada.org/blog/
http://www.wincanada.org/blog/archives/national-mentoring-month/

International Women's Day 2011

2011-03-08T03:47:00.000-05:00

Another year has passed. Do you think the world has changed for women?

Women are a moving force behind the economy, societies, creativity and so much more. We inspire men to love, to hate, to think, to feel... as they inspire us in turn. We can grow life in so many ways.

We're not perfect. We're not all the same. We don't have the same dreams and aspirations. We come in all shapes and sizes.

WiL men share more in 2011? WiL women speak up more? Is the gender difference disappearing or requiring more debate?

Today is a celebration of a fertile global community which includes everyone.

The “R” list

2011-03-03T03:29:00.000-05:00

Exploring the different kinds of mentors there are... We either do these things for others or we seek them for ourselves.

Continuing with "R":

Rapprochement-or: Leader of harmonious relationships

Ravagement-or: Aids in rebuilding after a large setback

Readjustment-or: Support during the first stages of change

Realignment-or: Politically savvy ally

Reconcilement-or: Helps to make whole again

Recruitment-or: Shows the best in networking skills

Refinement-or: Polishes and finesses

Regiment-or: Teaches good habits

Repayment-or: Knows the fine art of the the “thank you”

Rousement-or: Pushes you out of your comfort zone

Being direct and being "nice"

2011-03-01T03:34:00.000-05:00

I had a great conversation this weekend with a very talented woman who felt she needed to become better at "sugar coating" things so folks would listen more.

This made me think... I've seen both pure candor and "spin" help someone take advice or hear a new idea with a more open mind. But really, isn't candor what we're seeking most often?

Perhaps we associate straight talk with being "pushy" or "bossy" or just sometimes serving no one's interests but those of the speaker.

It's all in how you are trying to share information. If you present information from the point of view of your audience, you have a great chance of getting their agreement - even if you are telling it to them 'straight'.
For example: "You should read these books - they'll give you the insight you're missing" could change to "I've found some great books that might offer some insight into this issue."

Move from the directive and the blunt to the direct and the considerate. That's not sugar coating; that's just making sure everyone at the conversation still has a voice!

Another thought on gender

2011-02-24T03:12:00.000-05:00

In the day-to-day interactions, I think it's less about gender and more about balance of power and/or understanding differences (in colour, belief, attitude, idea, etc.).

When folks are faced with the unfamiliar, they often mock or denigrate it. Those faced with a threat to their power (perceived or real) often beat with their power (limited or vast).
Unfortunately, even in Canada, many women have less power and are seen as 'different'. I kind of revel in that as there's joy there as well!

Your resume is your story

2011-02-22T03:59:00.000-05:00

Resumes are a horrid way to get to know someone - a rotten 'cold calling card'. Some read like over-hyped ads, some like unedited novels and chronological resumes!... don't get me started on how misleading those are! :-) From the fact that they create the assumption that if you haven't done "it" before, you're not qualified now, to the problem of missing time, to the inability to see how a patchwork adds up to the skills of a leader.

I've tried all kinds of things to supplement or replace the resume. Most of it has stood me well and has helped, but not resolved, the issue of of the resume.

Part of the problem is, as above, in the creation of the resume. The other part of the problem is that most folks have no idea how to read a resume properly or the time to do so.

The other day at the discussion around leadership and storytelling, some one said something that I hope may be of use to you and your mentors / mentorees.
Every bullet point on your resume should be the starting point of a story you'd like to share.

If all we do is edit our current resumes with that statement in mind, imagine how many extra doors might open?

Change:
Investigated social media issues to develop a company strategy
To:
Investigated social media issues - including collaboration concepts - to create an NA employee experience

Suddenly there is a story, an implied opinion, a focus.

Instead of closed statements or vague assertions, get the reader to want to discuss how the exciting thing you did / skill you showed will help their team achieve new heights. Not as hyperbole, but as fact.

Tell your story!

A handshake

2011-02-17T03:21:00.000-05:00

I will confess, I prefer a hug to transfer true intent and emotion but the handshake will do in a pinch.

It's something we do every day without a second thought. We don't practice it (well, we may have when we were very young) and we don't count how many times a day we do it.

It's a great mentoring topic actually - when to shake, how to shake, what a shake means. Different cultures and circumstances make this seemingly innocuous act rife with potential to connect or confuse.

"A simple handshake. A ritual performed so often and with so little conscious thought as to be practically an instinctual reflex. Although the exact origin is difficult to pinpoint, there is a widespread belief that in its oldest form the handshake signified the handing of power from a god to an early Egyptian ruler. Centuries later, it was this magical aspect of the handshake that was so magnificently rendered on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. In Medieval times, it might mean anything from a friendly greeting to a quick check for concealed weapons. In the twenty-first century, the handshake had evolved into an important social custom, a symbol of honor and good faith, it "sealed the deal." But could it be magic? What exactly was exchanged in that special moment of pure personal interaction - a little sweat, some exfoliated skin cells, a warm fuzzy feeling. What else?"
Ken Altabef - excerpt from "Pleased to Meetcha" published in Fantasy & Science Fiction Aug. 2006

So... what do you do?

2011-02-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

If someone asked you "What do you do?" - do you have a prepared answer for that?

Is it one that opens the door for conversation or one that offers as little interesting information as possible?
Is it one you can use at a party or just a meeting where everyone knows why they are in the room?
Is your answer just your job title and where you work?
Is it about the value you hope you bring or the work you find exciting?
In short, is your answer a story about you that invites others to want to turn the page?
Can you deliver it in 3 sentences or less?

None of the above is easy - not the choices, not the telling. Certainly, I'm stumped every time someone asks me that simple question and I mentor others on this subject! :-)

I prepare three versions and hope I'm not tongue-tied when asked. If a bottle of wine is involved, I give the long version....

Truth or Dare...

2011-02-10T03:36:00.000-05:00

I have a few friends who love the chain emails where you fill out lists of questions that ask: what you're reading; what you'd take to a desert island; what job you'd hold if you already had a million dollars... Then there are similar lists on social networking sites - even the professional ones - that are awfully similar when it comes down to it.

Most of us fill the emails out (if we participate at all depending on the friend, the list and the hairiness of the day...) with a few flip remarks designed to make others laugh. We fill the questions on the social media sites very seriously - thinking through answers designed to impress those who might take the time to read our profile. In short, we cater to an audience.

There is nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing. It's just that sometimes, blogging late at night, I wonder what we'd put if we thought no one was looking. What might we say that may not impress but might reveal? I may very well be reading The No Asshole Rule (thanks Taavi) but I am also reading a book of fantasy stories - and that's the one you'd find in my purse.

We are trained to impress. However, deeper connections with your community come from a revealing moment. So when it is appropriate to do one over the other? Have you thought it through? Talked it through with a mentor?

Revealing can be impressive in and of itself...

Is the gender differences debate largely an excuse?

2011-02-08T03:57:00.000-05:00

There always seems to be a lot of articles on why there is a gender gap... why women and men think differently... why we react differently, etc. The debate between nature and nuture - how we are wired vs. how we are socialized - rages on.

I know that uncovering the root of a mystery, helps us towards a resolution. Finding a cure comes from seeking the cause. Correcting a behaviour is tied to pinpointing the source motivation.

But sometimes we can just start fixing and changing. While I'm just as fascinated with why as anyone else, it starts to feel like the research is an excuse to stall (how can we change a generation's thinking) or shrug in defeat (we're just wired that way).

Do we really need to know in order to see more women considered for top executive positions? Do we need to prove we can all get along to see a better mix on boards? Does our wiring matter when it comes to protecting the battered?

Colour should not matter. Race should not matter. Age should not matter. Gender should not matter. We need everyone's skills and all points of view to solve the big issues like poverty, peace and hunger.

Get over it, as my kid says. The debate is one piece of the puzzle... do more than debate; be an agent of change.

Where to go for mentoring tips?

2011-02-03T03:19:00.000-05:00

I was asked to pull together a monthly digest of all the sites, blogs, articles and videos (etc.) that have caught my eye each month on the topic of mentoring.

Of course, no one mentioned that they read this blog... LOL

I realised that much of my inspiration comes from conversations and emails with you.

I am not about to put folks' email addresses and say "Go forth and converse!" though it would be an interesting approach.

I did do a few hours of internet searching - found lots of sites selling me their course, listing the Top Ten Tips (which all look the same and don't really help), or talking about mentoring "youth"... because of course the rest of us are too over the hill to learn or need a community? ha!

So where are you going for inspiration on mentoring as either a mentor or mentoree? Who do you go to? How often? What inspires your conversations? What helps you become a better mentor/mentoree?

Gathering around the 'story fire'

2011-02-01T03:18:00.000-05:00

The storytelling session I described has left me with some wonderful musings around leadership.

One I've been thinking about how to use better is: If the campfire is the oldest "story fire" we know, how can we use the concept of townhalls and conferences to share and/or create stronger stories around the issues driving us to gather in the first place?

In this age of matrixed teams and consensus, it's harder to define leadership. So how can we use story to influence? And how does that story create a point of influence that allows one to influence a decision or been seen as the compelling voice?

A great discussion to have with my mentor and mentorees?

The “P” and "Q" lists:

2011-01-27T10:12:00.000-05:00

Exploring the different kinds of mentors there are... We either do these things for others or we seek them for ourselves.

Continuing with "P":

Parchment-or: Shows you how to wear your brand like ink on your skin
Pavement-or: Builds a road with you to wherever you're going
Payment-or: Demonstrates how to barter and exchange with value
Pigment-or: Helps you discern shades other than black or white
Postponement-or: Stops you from leaping before looking
Preferment-or: Offers you the next promotion or big project
Presentiment-or: Someone whose response is always "tried that..didn't work..won't work now"
Puzzlement-or: A great partner for solving riddles and finding ways out of dead ends

Q

Quiet Enjoyment-or: (thx Anne!) Can sit in silence and relax while you both think
Quibblement-or: Argues every nuance with you

Letting someone else be the star

2011-01-25T03:46:00.000-05:00

As an 'opinionate' person (I hear you laughing...), I often find it hard to sit in meetings and not interrupt. So as a measure of whether or not I should speak up, I ask myself "Who needs to know that I know that?" and "Is it important that they know I know this? Now? Later?"

It has stopped me from interrupting many times. Not often enough...but more often. :-)

Recently, I attended an excellent discussion on leadership and storytelling - hosted by Rick Wolfe of PostStone. The point was made that one difference between a leader and someone aspiring to leadership is the switch from being the hero of one's own story, to offering the listener the chance to be the hero.

Interrupting and ensuring that the room knows that you already knew the fact/had the idea/like the idea/etc. is about you being the hero. A legitimate part of establishing brand and sometimes necessary thing to do (especially if the guys are not listening to the lone woman in the room as can happen). However, a good leader knows when it is better to let someone else be a star. Leadership isn't all about shining brighter; it's about encouraging others to shine more effectively.

The next time I'm tempted to interrupt, I'm going to remind myself that it's better leadership to sit quietly sometimes. My mentors are daring me to try...

Define "team"

2011-01-20T03:42:00.000-05:00

Sports, business, medicine, arts.. the word "team" is often used - sometimes to explain how many folks are working on a project (even if they never all meet or talk), sometimes to spread blame or make a decision seem less unilateral, occasionally to create a sense of togetherness.

What is a team? A body of people who hold regular meetings? Who are united in purpose or role?

I believe a team is a body of folks united in achieving a goal for which they each hold both a personal and a group stake.

Like mentoring (and Suzanne's comment on the previous posting), you can't truly participate if you have not articulated why you're doing what you're doing for yourself, your participation and contribution won't be as effective.

But what do you think?

Group mentoring

2011-01-17T03:39:00.000-05:00

At a lunch this week, with a mouth full of Soma chocolate lave cake, I managed to ask "Where does group mentoring fit in?"

Luckily, as no one else at the table was indulging in dessert, there were some spirited answers.

One person said that carefully constructed groups, with participants selected through profiling, could use group mentoring to bring projects to a new level.

Another remarked to me quietly that group mentoring was what was happening at the table at that moment - ad hoc and unscripted.

I've seen many kinds of group mentoring - some efforts that stretch the definition rather thinly... some that are tables of folks gathered once to solve a problem with or without any expectation of success.

I'm not sure where I sit with formal programs. I think the essence of group mentoring happens all the time, throughout one's community. It's the heart of peer-to-peer. Perhaps the more formal it becomes, the closer it moves to coaching and the project/corporation's needs and less about the individual's - the reason for choosing mentoring in the first place.

Maybe that's the question to be asking. Instead of having others tell us we should have a mentor or use mentoring as a tool, we should see it a natural fit for our questions we are seeking to answer. Instead of 'showing up', we need to articulate what we are seeking for ourselves in order to create more meaningful participation and solutions?

Pick one thing to change

2011-01-13T03:24:00.000-05:00

What one thing do you want to accomplish this month? Just one thing...

That doesn't mean you won't do many things. But surely there's one thing in particular that, if you got it done/learned it/changed it, would make all the others even better?

It could be setting up a project. It could be making your kid feel special for a day. Or re-organising your basement. Or simply returning a phone call for which you haven't yet made time.

We often fill our time with things others need us to do - our partners, friends, family, peers, mentors, managers... But have you figured out what you want to do this month?

Write it down. Put it on the fridge/bulletin board/in your BB. Put a reminder on the calendar: Jan. 31 put a tick beside this item!

Don't wait - build community

2011-01-10T03:20:00.000-05:00

Before the job search begins
Before you can't find a key piece of information
Before you don't know where to go to bounce ideas
Before you need a favour
Before you wonder if anyone else sees the humour
Before you need a ride, a reference, a referee

Build community.

One person, one shared idea, one coffee/tea, one helping hand each day.

A new year - part II

2011-01-05T03:16:00.000-05:00

In the fall of this year, my real new year's celebration, I invited one special person to join my immediate circle. I reaffirmed that choice with the official arrival of 2011. Long ago, he taught me how to find my voice. Today, he reminds me how to love with joy and commitment.

Unfortunately, his struggle with cancer has lately had me lean upon my community - you - for support.

So if this blog gets a little patchy over the coming months, please know that your questions and search for a balanced life still inspire me. Life continues, grows, evolves and we move with it. I will move with it.

May this year bring you challenges, joys and ideas that make your life richer. May you know great love and support from across your community. May your community continue to grow. I would like to continue to be part of it.

with deep respect as we usher in 2011,

dennie

A new year - part I

2011-01-03T03:06:00.000-05:00

For me, the 'new' year will always be September. The leaves turn; kids go back to school; adults take out wool sweaters and everyone's freckles begin to fade.

January 1 is more about affirming the choices I made in September - big or small.

I write, talk and try to live every day around my concepts of community. I believe that for every step we take (in any direction), there is a small crowd that has helped us there just as we are part of the crowd supporting others. I believe we should make conscious choices around what we do, how we participate and how we contribute.

I started this journey first as a single parent, trying to understand how to cope and make the village part of my chosen family. I continued by trying to find respectful and creative ways to merge my life as an artist with my more 'conventional' job offers. I was inspired by Mitch Nadon saying to a group of us "I'm going to the top and taking 100 of my best friends with me!" I then realized that mentoring and networking were two of the best, simplest tools I could use and/or offer.

Every day, you inspire me. From the comments, emails and calls to the articles quoting this blog. My village in 2011 is beautiful. Thank you.

Spirit of the holiday

2010-12-27T10:47:00.001-05:00

It's togetherness season. May you have friends, peers and family who celebrate with you. May your neighbours and even the stranger you pass have a smile to share.

With great joy and peace,

dennie

Proving to be (in)competent

2010-12-22T03:26:00.000-05:00

Why is it that some folks approach others in the spirit of "you can do the task until/unless you prove yourself incompetent" ...and yet others take the approach of "you're incompetent until you prove otherwise"?

The first approach gives everyone a fair shake at pushing their boundaries. However, it can also give rise to promoting someone to their level of incompetence - which is not fun for those who follow.

The second approach is a catch-22 situation that rarely resolves well unless heroic measures are demonstrated. I don't know about you but I get tired of doing the 'heroic' thing for each new job.

Someone today remarked that men are given chance #1 and women seen in the context of #2. Is this a gender issue? Or is this yet another example of those - male or female - who are fearful and manage while being afraid things will go wrong while others are willing to take more risks with people and tasks?

Spirit of togetherness

2010-12-20T03:57:00.000-05:00

It's the holiday month - whatever your belief, tradition or habit. It's a month filled with messages urging 'togetherness' and 'celebration'.

While I do say a bit of "bah, humbug" when the carols begin on November 1... I especially love the last two weeks of December. Co-workers gently decline meetings and negotiate deadlines that may interfere with time away, time better spent on priorities closer to home.

A mentor once remarked that if everyone was as kind to each other as they are during the second half of December, a lot more projects would be that much more successful.

Thank you for another year debating and pondering how best to build community. May the Spirit of Togetherness show you nothing but great moment past, present and future!

Check in with yourself

2010-12-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you sit through many meetings a week, on top of the coffees and the daily interactions that fill a normal day. Add the events you attend for pleasure or business, the obligations of family and friends and the moments you snatch for 'me' time and some weeks are overwhelming!

We're constantly being shown tools - books, technology or process - that are supposed to help us prioritize and organize. Some of them are very effective... some...not.

Lately I've noticed that folks are hoping there's a solution-in-a-box; something that will both organize, simplify as well as prioritize. We get focused on completing the task or putting a checkmark in the box. Who can blame us? We're busy and for good reason!

But I try to remember that the only person who can prioritize is me. And I should prioritize against my vision, my goals and my prime needs. No tool can create my vision (or my corporate culture); a tool can support, enhance or build on my vision but first it starts with me.

So the next time you snatch a moment - ask yourself what's important to you and if you're selecting the tasks and calendar items to support it? Ask your mentorees to do the same. Ask your mentor to challenge your choices. Even if the final answer is 'yes' - we all need a check in with ourselves in the middle of the mayhem.

2010-12-13T03:47:00.000-05:00

I've been using the Carl Jung quote lately:
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

Often when networking or mentoring, we are attempting to create transformation in someone else. However, it's far more powerful to be open to transformation in ourselves.

If it's better to lead by example, to teach with action, to listen and adapt with new information - then surely it's most compelling to allow ourselves the chance to do all of this when connecting with another person?

Lately, I have found that I am changing and learning each time I let someone offer me an idea or opinion. I may not agree with them but the interaction opens new horizons and deepens my relationship with that person regardless. I am becoming transformed by allowing others to create reaction within me. Incrementally or in big leaps, my community is my collective mind!

Teamwork

2010-12-09T23:55:00.000-05:00

Today I'm giving a 'motivational' chat around the concept of teamwork.

Define "team"... go on; I dare you. :-) It is a fluid concept. We often put boundaries to either limit someone's power over our efforts or to expand the reach of our own. But really, like the concept of community, the circles extend and overlap and change with need.

My son and I are a team. Does that include his grandparents? Including the parents of my ex? My best friend? My brothers? His teachers? Neighbours? Crossing guard? How about the guy who gives me a free latte in sympathy every time he sees me because he also has a teenager?

I think, like everything else that requires a common vision in order to understand what success may look like, one needs to define 'team' when asking for team work and collaboration. Then, one should also define the behaviours of that 'team'.

And, like all things, we'll really get stuff done through influence and relationships... so keep building community for yourself as it's still the best team to have when you want to be effective.

Lists

2010-12-08T03:31:00.000-05:00

Seems that, during the holiday month of December, everyone is making a list. Card list, gift list, year-end@work list, food list... I even was shown a Holiday concert list!

Of course, the most dreaded list of all - the New Year's resolution list - is also due this month.

I say ... Tear up your lists! (not really - just fold them neatly and put them away for a minute...)

We get caught up in our lists to the point where we forget why we're doing all the things listed. We forget that lists are about more than order or a prompt for an overly busy mind. Lists are the steps towards a purpose, a goal.

What three things (no more than three and no cheating with large vague items) would you like see at the end of December?

I'd like my kid to feel rested.
I'd like my work pile to be a few unfiled papers and no more.
I'd like to have had at least 3 days with nothing to do and no appointments to keep.

So anything on my list that doesn't help me achieve the above is getting crossed off now.

Process is only useful if it supports the vision. Re-evaluate, refine and maybe re-list? There's still time before December 31 :-)

What is 'leadership"

2010-12-06T03:22:00.000-05:00

Have you ever said a word over and over until it becomes a jumble of meaningless sound?

I think that's where I am with the word "leadership".

Maybe, in this world of sound bytes and acronyms, we use the word to simply represent the shorthand of our goals?

My goal is to model the values to which I entrust my growth and my awareness - across all situations and aspects of my life. Some days that makes me more of an outsider than a leader :-)

The “N” & “O” lists

2010-12-03T03:59:00.000-05:00

Exploring the different kinds of mentors there are... We either do these things for others or we seek them for ourselves.

Continuing with "N":

Nourishment-or: Feeds your passion
Nutriment-or: Supplements your growth and development

Continuing with "O":

Obtainment-or: Plans with you towards a goal
Oddment-or: Examines the loose ends
Ointment-or: Soothing and safe place to bring your hurts
Ornament-or: Puts polish on the brand
Ordainment-or: Helps you find your calling
Outplacement-or: For when you really need to transition elsewhere

Holiday season is upon us

2010-12-01T11:17:00.000-05:00

If your calendar is like mine, you've got coffees/lunches/dinners/celebrations already piling up. I haven't been able to squeeze in a jog in two weeks!...but I did get the gifts sorted last night.

Holiday season is a whirl of year-end activity at home and at work. Today, December 1, this is what I do:

Make a list of everyone I'd like to thank/re-thank for their support this year.
Decide if an email, card, e-card, phone call or gift is best. (Default is a card)
Block 30 min ea. day to create the "thanks". More than that I get tired and curt in my writing.
Get it all distributed by mid-Dec. latest.

I know I'll miss some folks. I know everyone else is busy sending out similar cards etc.

But why waste an opportunity to say thank you? For those of you who find it awkward, December helps create the expectation!

It's step #1 that's the most important for me. We forget how large a community supports us without taking a minute to reflect. You'll discover your list may grow - as you remember one individual, 2-3 others will pop up along side of them. Growing your network is not as important as maintaining it, otherwise it's nothing but a ripple that will slowly diminish the farther out it spreads.

Thank you to all of you who read Similar Circles. If December had time, I'd buy you all a drink!

Change isn't a fix

2010-11-29T03:57:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity to mentor a 19 yr. old woman this weekend. We were stuck in the car together for a long, late night ride... after a long night which included a pub, fries and old friends/family - an emotional cocktail!

So she talked rather openly about her confusion around finding a place in society that reflected her values. Being 19, she wasn't entirely clear what those values were; she was clear on what they were not.

So I asked her: what got her out of bed in the morning? What created moments of joy? Of discovery? Of frustration? Because all of these were things to capture for repetition, learning and planning.

"Nothing," she replied. "I think I need to move out of this city."

"Ha," I laughed. "Your questions will simply follow you. Why not pick a place because it offers you better opportunity to pursue your moments of joy/learning instead of hoping a change of scenery creates self-awareness?"

The same is true of changing a job or a company. The change itself isn't the fix - the goal against which the change is applied will.

Does this make sense to you? (I realise there will be exceptions)

If you only know what makes you unhappy, how do you know where to seek contentment? Identify your moments of inspiration and form a plan around them!

The real dialogue

2010-11-25T11:07:00.000-05:00

When I look at the stats on this blog, I'm struck by the top postings that attract readers - all are about women/children and their right to protection.

I am not an expert on the subject. I know what I've survived as a teen and as an adult. I took careful note of exactly how I wished to protect my own kid as he grew. I plan to gladly go back to not-for-profit and run an organization that makes a difference in this arena if the opportunity arises.

The gap between how many folks quietly read and research on this topic and how many conversations actually exist in daily conversations is wide. It's wide like talking about mental illness without shame or rape without recrimination. At the water cooler, we can discuss cancer, hunger in other countries or even divorce... but we still don't easily discuss how more than half our population is often treated as lesser. By a few, I know, but we give them more power by not throwing light into the dark places where abuse and neglect occurs.

Building community requires talking across all hierachies, genders, industries, geographies and subjects. We don't have to agree. We should respect.

Persuasion

2010-11-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

A lovely friend sent me to this article on persuasion.

I read these things with a bit of trepidation. Even though I value networking and negotiation, I hate when it's positioned by folks who stress the self-interest side. Yes, we do nothing without some self-interest but it's not about being a snake-oil salesman. Persuasion should be about shared interests and not winning. (even in a divorce and I know that one!)

What I liked (in the middle of the subject's sly humour)was this tidbit:

"Q...Persuasion, you say, has five elements: Simplicity, perceived self-interest, incongruity, confidence and empathy (S.P.I.C.E). Briefly explain each.

A: The brain prefers simplicity over complexity. It equates it with the truth. So keep your message simple. In writing the book I hung out with some top con artists. I asked them: “What was the most important factor in getting someone to do something for you?” The key, they said, was to frame it in the other person’s self-interest, not yours. A good example was one New Year’s Eve I was at a friend’s house. Her 7-year-old son wanted to stay up late. The mother told him no, when you don’t get enough sleep you’re too irritable. He said, “You want me up at the crack of dawn when you want to sleep in?” It worked."

Letting the fact this advice came from con artists aside, the same advice can be found in the lovely little book from the Harvard Negotiation Project Getting to Yes.

Persuasion is not about winning an argument. It's about influencing the outcome, preferably in a way that benefits more than just the persuader. Thus good arbitrators and negotiators can help opposite sides come together. It's a great skill to explore as part of the daily habits of building relationships.

Relationships imply that both sides have interests being served and that power is balanced (with the scales possibly tipping daily but overall giving equal weight).

I'm ok that I share a leadership trait with con artists because everyone has something admirable about them!

We need more stories from women!

2010-11-18T03:04:00.000-05:00

I don't think women share their stories enough. I know that life is individual, regardless of gender, but still - we need to have more discussions around stories about women.

Why? Because today I read an article (thank you Terry) that listed the top 50 women in business. When it came right down to it, they were judged worthy by how much money they had made for themselves or their company.

Money. Not how many people they'd developed; how their thinking had affected planning; not philanthropy; not global inclusiveness.

I do realise it's about the bottom line...but why is money the top or only criteria?

So how can we change criteria? One wayis by sharing stories that showcase different means of measuring success. You have one. Share it with your mentor or mentoree this week! Spread the wealth! :-)

Emotion is critical and creative

2010-11-16T03:46:00.000-05:00

I wrote a letter once and never sent it. Instead, I embedded the words in another project.

We do this sort of thing all the time. We place bits of our anger, our excitement, our passion and our frustration into everything we do - even if it's not the direct cause. We leave our thoughts and emotions across all we do and that's simply human.

A debate I've been reading around critical vs. creative thinking is missing the fact that emotion colours both approaches. Regardless of the side of the brain you favour, pretending that the final output isn't coloured by emotion is naive.

When folks talk about following your passion, or putting passion into your work, it isn't always about pursuing the dream. (I'm never going to write famous mystery novels; I just like thinking about doing that!) Sometimes it is simply about finding that piece that makes you spring out of bed in the morning - learning something new; working in an environment that stimulates you; showcasing a skill; etc. - and letting that be the hook that allows you to put more of yourself into your day.

Creativity comes from passion, belief and curiosity. Critical thinking can spring from the same well. Mentoring is about both sides of that coin including how we feel about the ideas and outcomes.

Expressing yourself and your emotions makes both the project, day and outcome that much sweeter for everyone.

Communication 101

2010-11-11T03:12:00.000-05:00

We communicate every day - as mentors, parents, friends, colleagues... everything is a conversation and exchange of information.

But so much information comes at us everyday like weeds tossed over a fence. It's like saying "Here you go... now it's your problem because I've passed it on."

If we took a few moments to think through what we're really sharing, it could make a big difference.

1 - What is it the other person needs to know? What's the one thing they should realise?

2 - How should they feel about the information? What's in it for them? (and yes, it's ok to tell them how you hope they'll feel)

3 - What do you wish them to DO with the information? Our days are filled with "nice to know" things but really good information has a relevance and a use.

If you can't answer #2&3... do you really need to share the information?

Know, feel, do... folks will thank you and listen.

Sitting in the backseat

2010-11-09T03:07:00.000-05:00

True leadership, like parenting, sometimes means sitting in the backseat ...far from the controls and trusting the driver.

If 'leading' means 'being in charge' for you, that will be tough. If 'leading' means managing through the skills of others while offering guidance and vision, you possibly nodded your head at my opening statement.

Regardless of which side of the fence you're on, it's a skill to practice at least weekly. My mentor just challenged me to let something chug along without me pulling it - can you identify something where you'll take a backseat view before Friday?

What does the word "leadership" mean to you?

2010-11-04T07:11:00.000-04:00

I had a great conversation yesterday with Drew Dudley who pointed out that we use the word "leadership" without a clear definition.

Companies define what leadership means to them. The media points up 'leaders'. But if someone were to ask you what you mean if you call yourself a leader - or if you were seeking to offer leadership - what would you say?

It's really about the values that define us.

For some, this definition is going to be about being in charge. For others, this is going to mean status or title.

For me, it's about community and the values I believe are necessary for good ideas to be encouraged and spread. Over the coming months, I'm going to define leadership in more concrete terms for myself so I could answer the qustion above. But first, I'm asking - what does it mean to you?

You bring value - define it!

2010-11-02T03:26:00.000-04:00

At the end of a meeting or conference, one is usually asked "What did you get out of this? What was of value?" A great question - allowing the organisers to tweak and improve to meet expectation and need.

And yet rarely are the participants asked "What did you bring of value to this session?"

Think about it. We usually show up, passively listen, hope to be engaged, and leave with - or without - our 'aha!' for our time. And yet we all bring ideas and perspectives that would take the source material and enrich it beyond the sum of its parts.

Yes, I know that not all sessions allow room for interaction. I say don't attend those unless your manager is making you! LOL

Most sessions - even if they were not aware of the need in the planning stage - will welcome participation and debate. We're not in grade 3 learning our letters; we're adults exchanging information.

However, like everything else, one must be able to articulate the value to act on it.

At your next mentoring session - see if you can identify an upcoming session and plan, in advance, what you'll bring to the table. Then bring it.

Mentoring change - Part IV

2010-10-27T03:50:00.000-04:00

Waiting is always the hardest part.

Whether you desire change (big or small) or you dread it - waiting for it to actually click into place is like a long sleepless night.

There are no shortcuts. You can be better/faster/more experienced; you can seek good tools (mentors, community, education, experience, etc.). But you can't direct the pace of things beyond your control - which is most of change and life :-)

I think this is one of the toughest challenges mentors/friends/peers/partners face: you can't make time go faster or slower. You can only listen and support those going through the event.

I have a friend who just lost a job, another just diagnosed with cancer, another who landed a national TV spot and another who is pregnant. I can't move the outcomes or timings - I can only remind them to use the time that does exist to be as prepared as possible. I wish I could wave a magic wand but change takes the shape and speed it requires.

So in uncertain times, knowing there are no quick pathways, the patience of the community you've built is the best way to pass the time while waiting.

Mentoring change - Part III

2010-10-25T03:01:00.000-04:00

There is an upside to large-transformative-earth-shaking-life-changing change. It creates new thoughts, ideas and patterns.

Having the world turn upside down gives you two basic choices - you can hide under the covers or you can use the moment to try new things. It's a moment when you have the ability to lead or leave :-)

By leader, I don't necessarily mean someone-in-charge-of-the-whole thing. "Leader" is someone who, at any point and any level, helps others manage the upheaval.

This could be anyone of us if we view leadership as: identifying blocks; offering bridges; encouraging collaboration; seeing links; creating a vision; and delegating the solution details.

My mentors challenge me to be an "agent of change". I accept that challenge and pass it down the line. Consider: When the world turns upside down, it's an opportunity to influence the outcome for when it goes right side up.

No fear!

2010-10-22T03:40:00.000-04:00

Often, in the business world, we hear executives talk about the need to connect with younger, fresher ideas.

Because of course, everyone around them only has stale ones. :-)

It made me wonder why younger folks are seen as having stronger ideas when so many folks around me - of all ages - have terrific plans and thoughts.

I think perhaps it is because that youth:
* present their ideas without a filter (no bitter experience that has them qualify their good idea)
* aren't as driven by fear (that it won't work and they'll never get a promotion)

I, for one, refuse to be shaped by fear or bitterness. I'll learn my lesson, pick a new skyscraper and leap off with the certainty that this time I will land well. I will raise my voice. I will lend my voice to yours. I will try new things and revisit some familiar plans.

And I will continue to encourage every young person I know to keep doing what they do instinctively - have no fear!