Personal rules - use your mentor

We all have personal rules: colours we will wear; foods we will eat; household habits; social outings. When we think about breaking rules, we do not often consider breaking our own. However, our personal rules are created from a mix of necessity (e.g. allergies), fears (e.g. discomfort) and habit... which means some of them are open to being challenged.

Personal rules can get in the way of your professional career. From how we choose to present ourselves visually, to how comfortable we are in sharing our successes or goals, we can get in our own way.

This is where a mentor can help. Mentoring is not about creating new tasks and rules; it is about helping you identify strengths and long-term goals. A mentor can then challenge habits and choices that might be hindering or outdated and support us in selecting new options to try.

Remember, every rule can be challenged except this one.

Break rules

Women
Break your own rules.
Break the rules of others.
Break rules.
Make guidelines that respect choice and independent thought.
Break every rule except this one.


Sounds like a poem for chaos and anarchy?

With amazing posts like Phoebe Holmes on her blog Herding Cats writing about fashion faux-pas based solely on age to amazing books like Break Your Own Rules (2011), it is apparent that there are many rules that bind us.

Hidden rules like who gets up to make the coffee. Overt rules like 'cover your grey hair.' Silly rules like older women shouldn't wear mascara on bottom lashes.

I am tired of rules. Yes, we need some guidelines as sense and judgment require support and experience. Yes, things that are physically dangerous need to be called out.

I would like to ensure the 'why' of the rules serves a purpose beyond telling me to be docile and accepting.

"No" is not a bad word

I just read yet another post about how to sugarcoat a "no."  The posts are endless with advice: use positive language; watch for your own negative reactions; delegate instead of outright refusal.... 

"No" is a useful word; there's nothing wrong with it. Just say "No;" it is okay!

"No" is as ubiquitous as "um.." The real issue is that we are conditioned to think of "no" as meaning "maybe"  because we often use the word to buy time, create space and consider options both at work and while parenting. 

Knowing that folks won't take a straight 'no' as seriously as I'm offering it, here's how I annoy people into going to ask someone else.

Alternate scenarios for when "no" doesn't work @work:

"Flattered that you think you need my help! What exactly do you believe I can contribute? Or does this just need an immediate warm body?"  (I didn't say no, I just made it harder for them to dump and run. Unless they can answer the question and then I know I'm genuinely needed)

"That sounds like something I don't know how to do. Will you be sitting with me while I do it?" (Same as above and I'm ok with looking out of my depth some times)

"Excellent. I can do that in about 3 weeks. If you need it faster, you might have to find someone else?" (Either I'm the right person to do it or they just need a warm body...)

"Sure, I can do that. X and X will go on hold till I'm done. Let me know if we have sign off to delay before I start?" (Seriously, this works)

"No. I appreciate your need, I really do. I am not the right person/ timing is poor / etc." (Some days one just says "no"... without a but...)

Any other good ideas out there?

PS> For a great perspective on how to use the word "no" effectively, start with Barbara Coloroso and her take on parenting with the word "no."