Rules

"Every rule can be challenged, except this one."

There's so many boxes out there. Some are necessary. Some just get in the way. I am amazed/amused/astounded by the boxes we put around ourselves.

We have boxes about what we will/won’t eat, the music we will/won’t listen to, the jobs we will/won’t aspire to, the people we will/won’t find interesting, etc etc etc.

Recently, I challenged myself - I also have a list of things that define me because I will/won’t do them. Some are carefully chosen and some are just from habit or discomfort. I broke a few of my own ‘rules’ yesterday (and suffered through the ‘what have I done?’ moments). I realized this morning that no one had even noticed the changes and the only real impact is that my world-view is a bit broader.

The thing about rules is you have to ask yourself “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I do/don’t do X?” You then state the feared outcome and ask “What will I do if that should happen?” Amazingly, potential outcomes are less terrifying when we take the time to think through our options in advance. Even more amazingly, friends will wonder what took you so long to make the leap in the first place.

A sample conversation with myself often goes something like:
“What is the worst thing that could happen if I talk to a stranger?”
“They’ll laugh at me”
“So then?”
“So then I’d tell them to stuff themselves.”
“What’s the next worst thing.”
“They’ll reject me with a cutting comment.”
“So then?”
“So then I’d tell them it was obvious I’d wasted my valuable time.”
and so on.

I’m always a little shocked at how easy it is to do reverse-psychology on oneself…

So I’ve challenged my habits a bit this week.
Terrified? a little.
Unboxed? getting there.

Context to Imperfection

“A good relationship understands and gives context to imperfection as a human phenomenon – There is nothing better than being able to honestly express fear, uncertainty and anxiety in a safe environment.” Rodger Harding

There are many things I love about this quote from Rodger (see "interesting sites" on the right side for a direct link to Rodger) First, we all need safe zones - places to express doubt or to come clean about mistakes without fear of finger pointing or being thought of as less than capable. A good friend, a mentor and a mirror can be great safe places to have these conversations.

Perhaps what makes this statement really come alive for me is that not only do we need a person/place where we can express ourselves freely - we need a context in which to consider the implications and reasons.

Having a person/place in which to express our worries, errors and concerns is a great gift. Even greater is the ability to discuss them, create a context for them and make sure doubt and worry don’t loom larger in our perspective than they should.

The old cliché “everyone makes mistakes” is truer than we’d like to think. One mistake shouldn’t define you. Doubt shouldn’t paralyze you. Criticism is feedback. Your safe zone should reflect all of you - the imperfect and the joyous.

Things we consider at "hello"

I've been out a lot this week and was musing on this subject on the subway home...

These are personal. It was interesting to me where I look and what I consider.

1 - Are they smiling? I hate meeting folks who looked worried to meet me.

2 - What shoes are they wearing? I can't help it!! I look!!

3 - What colour are their eyes? Or do I get distracted before I really look at them?

4 - Do they immediately ask me a question or do we sit in a short silence before one of us has to break it?

5 - Are their hands rough or sticky?

6 - Can I make them laugh right away?

This is about the first 10 seconds of meeting someone. I've been monitoring myself all week. I'm not sure if this is criteria I've chosen or my default/gut approach. It's certainly worth exploring. And even worth exploring how I might stack up if someone asked the same questions when meeting me...