Criticism and critiques

Feedback has gotten a really bad rap in the twenty-first century. Opinions can be polarizing. Especially at work, feedback can feel like a thinly disguised list of everything that is horrible about our performance.

Did you know that critiquing and criticizing are different? "criticism is judgmental and focused on finding fault, while critique is descriptive and balanced."

Feel free to dismiss the comments that are about tearing us down or that have a central message that we are terrible with no recourse to improve.

Embrace critiques that offer a sincere hand up on improving. Thank those who offer support, not by dismissing our projects for their errors, but by asking for more with improvements.

Discuss the difference with your mentoring partner.  Coach yourself for better critique ability.

(And thank you, Heather, for superb support with generous and useful critiques)

Personal brand is part of your resume

My living room has often, over the last decade, been filled with the ambitious, the lost, the determined and the clueless ages 19 – 26. Some already have a Masters degree. Some are still trying out the minimum wage route. All of them feel burdened by the "need experience to get a job; need a job to get experience" conundrum.

There is one unusual path to try - it's developing and using your personal brand. Mentors help you develop it. Sponsors promote it. Only  you the brand holder can define it. You can use it to help potential employers understand your value and beliefs even if you have limited previous experience by which to prove your follow through.

At a very basic level, you can define your brand as:

1.       What 3 words do you wish folks would use to describe you in a job? 

2.       What have you done this week to demonstrate those attributes to others in any situation? 

3.       What do you have planned to do to continue developing and demonstrating these qualities?

If you're a coffee pourer and want folks to know you're "creative, intelligent & people-savvy" (for example), what can you do in your workplace (and outside of it) to showcase the best of yourself? 

·         Volunteer opportunities

·         Work committees

·         Extra assignment /offer of help to someone

·         Conversation with your manager to ask for any of the above

·         Build your network to ask other people how they've managed the transition

Just a few ideas that show how you can demonstrate ability before getting paid experience. Demonstrating the very skills for which you hope to be hired can be very powerful in getting you the paid opportunities.

Mentoring yourself

Let's take our inner critic and per her to good use!  I'm tired of mine mumbling about how my eyeliner is crooked or my time wasting only got books read and no laundry done. (she's very hard on me.) My inner critic rolls her eyes a lot, sigh in great exasperation and occasionally sounds like my mom.

I'm hard on my mentorees too. However, I offer advice and corrections with love, support and the best of intentions.... an approach I don't often offer myself.

I need correction. I need some criticism even though I don't like it. It is useful to be able to give yourself feedback.

We can do all this with a little understanding and encouragement instead of the usual "oh I'm such an idiot!" and other inner stories of the same type.

Think of it as mentoring yourself.

• Getting it right the first time is less important than trying/practicing
• Talk through successes so they can be repeated easily
• Talk through mistakes or course corrections so they can be done differently in the future
• Let go of the things that make you roll your eyes at yourself if you'll never have to face the same situation/challenge again. Move on!
• Look at your daunting plans with your inner critic and remind both of you of the strengths you possess that will help you in the rough spots
• Remember to cheer yourself on for no reason at all except you were there

We share with respect and kindness; let's include ourselves in the coaching. 

The “X, Y, Z” list

Exploring the different kinds of mentors there are... We either do these things for others or we seek them for ourselves.

Finishing with "X, Y & Z":

X

Xenograft-or:             mentoring at its most basic

Y

Yammer-or:                Repeats an idea until you understand it

Yarn-or:                      Turns the improbable into a possible thread to follow

Yield-or:                     Invests time and expertise into helping others grow

Z

Zag-or:                       Assists in a change of course

Zapper-or:                  Defeats negativity with you

Zest-or:                       Creates excitement and interest within you

Zipper-or:                   Neatly helps you find a solution, job or idea

This has been a fun list to develop over the years. Soon I'll publish the A-Z best - send me your favourites from the posts!

A - Dec. 22/09

B – Jan. 15/10

C – Jan. 29/10

D – Feb. 5/10

E – Feb. 26/10

F – March 19/10

G & H – April 16/10

I – June 18/10

J & K – July 24/10

L – Aug. 20/10

M – Oct.8/10

N & O – Dec. 3/10

P & Q – Jan. 27/11

R – March 3/11

S – Oct. 17/13

T – July 18/16

U – Aug. 8/16

V & W – Oct. 3/16

X, Y & Z – Nov. 7/16

Sympathy & advice - PB&J?

I had a few personal and professional hiccups last month. Nothing life or career threatening, but certainly upsetting / inconvenient / uncomfortable.

Going to my own mentorees and asking for their advice was like hearing a chorus of validation and anger or concern on my behalf. I felt appreciated but still had little perspective on what to do. The gang just assumed I was strong enough and smart enough to find my own way through with little but a cheering section.

Going to my mentors was a different surprise. The advice was so varied and so vague; I was not sure what was being said. One of my favourite questions to ask when mentoring is "What advice would you give me if the situation was reversed and you were me?" This time, I asked this of my mentors as well. That's where their emotions came into play "I'd tell him to stuff it!," said one.

This taught me a few things:
1 - I obviously don't ask for help a lot and it confuses people when I do.
2 - Having someone genuinely care and be angry on your behalf may not be productive but it feels good - creates a safe place from which planning can be done (and the cheerleader, having established a position of being onside, can then safely challenge plans)
3 - Telling me to not make "an emotional decision" drives me more crazy that the issue itself. Just because I'm showing emotion does Not mean my brains fell out my butt.

I'm now resolved to be a better ear for others in this regard:

• Listen to the problem
• Express outrage/incredulity/etc. at any unfairness
• Question for facts within the anecdote
• Challenge the solution to be fact-based while not requiring emotion to leave the room
• Ensure to close the discussion with a good note, even if there is no solution at that time (sometimes folks just need to talk)

Then start over with wine and probably not get past the second bullet....

d

The “U” list

Exploring the different kinds of mentors there are... We either do these things for others or we seek them for ourselves.

Continuing with "U":

uncement-or:                 Forces you to rethink plans

underdevelopment-or:     Adds the mentoring you were missing

underemployment-or:      Becomes the sponsor you need
undergarment-or:           Serves as a foundation while you plan
underinvestment-or:        Has you focus on yourself for once
understatement-or:         A mentor with a dry sense of humour
Unravelment-or:             Untangles the snags in thinking

The “T” list

I realized I had never finished this series (you may not have noticed but I enjoyed writing this). We last left off at "S" so continuing on…

Exploring the different kinds of mentors there are... We either do these things for others or we seek them for ourselves.

Continuing with "T":

tanglement-or:           Makes things more complicated just to see how you'll handle it
temperament-or:        Brings things back to how folks feel
testament-or:              Also an active sponsor as well as mentor
tournament-or:           Someone who urges you to get out there and try!
transshipment-or:       A great networker and knowledge transfer-er

Are we losing our sense of community in this century?

In a wonderful article/interview with Zygmunt Bauman "Social Media are a Trap," he states: "We are in a period of interregnum, between a time when we had certainties and another when the old ways of doing things no longer work. We don’t know what is going to replace this."

Mr. Bauman stresses that growing tension between our identities as a community and our personal identities. While he references social frameworks such as political and geographical, he mentions how uncertainty is hitting many people - from where they will work to the desire for freedom in a world demanding security (which curtails individual freedom for the 'greater good'). He points out that while 'community' is out of our control, networks are something we can choose deliberately. "The difference between a community and a network is that you belong to a community, but a network belongs to you. You feel in control. You can add friends if you wish, you can delete them if you wish. You are in control of the important people to whom you relate. People feel a little better as a result, because loneliness, abandonment, is the great fear in our individualist age. But it’s so easy to add or remove friends on the internet that people fail to learn the real social skills, which you need when you go to the street, when you go to your workplace, where you find lots of people who you need to enter into sensible interaction with."

He limits the concept of network to a social media framework and goes on to say that  "But most people use social media not to unite, not to open their horizons wider, but on the contrary, to cut themselves a comfort zone where the only sounds they hear are the echoes of their own voice, where the only things they see are the reflections of their own face. Social media are very useful, they provide pleasure, but they are a trap." 

It is true. We don't often talk with folks with whom we may disagree. We don't seek out dissenting opinions often because we want to hear critical feedback in a safe environment. Networks should include those with whom we can have those difficult conversations: mentors; friends; family.

In his book, In Moral Blindness, he warns about the loss of community in our individualistic world. What I believe is harder for his studies to see or mention are the numerous 'kitchen tables' being built by those who understand the power of community and networks in their truest sense: survival.

The Repeat Test

I found this post on LinkedIn this past weekend.

This is a highly effective way to avoid wasting time. Print copies of this updated image and follow instructions from my 2013 article here: https://goo.gl/XrSwoZ

I found it very easy to rank my working day hours but not as easy for my personal time. Was playing an hour of Disco Bees a waste or a repeat? Was laundry virtuous and repeatable or a dirty chore? Was coffee with my neighbour valuable? 

I also struggle with changing the 'red' zones required of me at work because, often, someone else has considered them 'green.' 

It's a good conversation to have with your mentor: how to spend the time; how to change the time.

A mentoring conversation: 3 statements to evaluate life

These three opening lines have resonated with me so much, I keep them posted above my desk:
"I like...."
"I wish..."
"I wonder..."

What strikes me first is how open and positive they are. These opening words are a lead into difficult conversations and positive/negative feelings/ situations, yet they start with a sense of inclusion and opportunity.

The idea is to first state what you actually like about the topic. These would be the pieces you would strive to not change. When talking with your mentor, it could help identify what is working in your career choices, things to keep on the next phase of your plan.

"I wish..." is exactly that... a wish list. No holds barred. What might change? What might be included? What would be so outrageous it could only go on a wish list? What would you wish for if you were brave? Silly? Unfettered?

Wondering:
Look at what you like and what you wish and see if you can wonder aloud with your mentor where the links might be. What would have to happen to make a wish come true?

Wonder out loud the circumstances you could create to take a step towards a wish.

After you've like, wished and wondered Then figure out what can be in an action plan. Don't start with the practical and achievable - reach as high and hard as you dare. If you can achieve 100% of your plan, you didn't wish and wonder enough because there is always more.