small talk (ick)

I am not good at small talk. I prefer to listen than search my brain (which will have suddenly gone blank) for something innocuous to say. So called "safe" topics (like the weather) make me sound silly. I tend to dive into topics about which I have passion and say trite things about those which don't bother me at the moment… usually making no new friends with those for whom the trite is their current passion.

Small talk is meant to "break the ice" with strangers and allow for connections points to emerge. It serves a great purpose.

Given it's patio season /garden party time, small talk opportunities are ramping up. I'm reviewing my previous posts and figuring out some good opening lines that, hopefully, will kick start someone else into talking and I can settle in and listen.

What to talk about?

A statement I hear often is: "I hate small talk!"  - usually because it's considered boring, forced, banal or just too hard to think of something interesting to ask someone to whom we've just been introduced.

At some point, we've all made small talk. It is how we progressed beyond acquaintance to friend with those in our intimate circles. The best thing anyone ever explained to me about small talk was - get the other person talking; it's not you who needs to be fascinating - help them tell their story.

So in that spirit, here's a few general questions to play with to help someone else be fascinating. Some of these questions work in any circumstance, some at events and some are just for fun!

• What's your proudest moment (this week/ year etc.)?
• What do you wish you had more time for?
• When was the last time you laughed out loud?
• What's your favourite moment of every day?
• What's your perfect work day?
• What is the highlight of your LinkedIn profile?
• What's the most important skill needed for your job?
• Do  you believe in continuous self-development & learning?
• What's your best networking tip?
• What piece of advice would you give yourself 10 or 15 years ago if you could?
• What's your favourite website?
• What's the one thing you do every weekend?
• What did you think you'd grow up to be when you were 6?
• What's your favourite guilty pleasure for food?
• What superpower do you wish you had?
• What 3 books are by your bed?
• What's the best presentation you've heard this year?

Small talk

I'm not sure how to conquer small talk...

I understand its purpose; small talk is how we bridge personal distance and build relationships by finding common interests (or intriguing opposites). It is key to networking. It is usually focused on positive or neutral topics and helps us decide how much closer (or not) to bring someone into our circles. It requires very little vulnerability and requires no ongoing commitment should the budding relationship not go any further.

Knowing all that doesn't make it easier to do.

No one wants to appear boring /dull/ zoned out. Yet, when we don't know someone, how are we to have an engaging conversation without having an established connection or topic?

I'm as guilty as anyone about talking about the weather. Searching for common ground in the first two minutes (sometimes the only two minutes) of conversation is tough.

Here's a few ways that I try to connect:

• pay a compliment about something that matters to me (shoes! or a great comment or the speaker or an idea raised)
• ask a question for which the answer matters to me (where did you get those shoes? or "Did I hear correctly when X was said?")
• if I'm stuck on the weather, make it  more personal to solicit an opinion or commiserate (How many of your team couldn't make it in today? Can you believe people were out in loafers and no socks?)
• talk about the food (if there is any) ... I love figuring out what's in things or what might complement the dish and that usually raises spirited debate and helps me find interesting folks (or restaurant recommendations)
• play hot potato and hope the new addition kick-starts a good topic
• acknowledge the search for a topic and ask "what do you think is the hot topic in this room?"

Any other ideas?