Persuasion

Persuasion is a simple word that has neither good nor evil implications. The dictionary lists: "...the act of causing people to do or believe something..."

Persuasion can be achieved through:

• debate
• argument 
• discussion
• trust & patience
• persistence 
• influence

and other approaches spanning an emotional and intellectual range as varied as snowflakes.

We have all done much of the list and probably more. Anyone with kids knows they are quick studies in techniques aimed at being persuasive.

Often, the first time we meet, we are trying to persuade each other to accept a new friendship / see an opportunity / hear a story, etc. We negotiate and persuade every day. It is a common communication approach.

Only when the discussions stop should we worry. When arguments are presented as facts, when only one side gets to talk, when choice is removed...then it isn't persuasion it is force. As employees we may be given direction but we retain our right and ability to influence. As family members, there may be house rules but we can negotiate. As communities, we can debate with other communities to create shared understandings. As a mentor, I can only offer but never demand.

Persuasion and empathy might be the two hot skills for 2017.  

Delegation - Level 4

Delegation Level 4: You do it with input from me. 
It's your final decision but I will attempt to shape the outcome as I'm giving up the ownership to you but not letting go all the way...

Whether this is a coaching or mentoring conversation, this is the toughest kind of delegation. Like letting a teen set their own curfew, it's a balance of trust, boundaries and communication.

If you're the person letting go of ownership, be clear:

• Which decisions do /do not remain with you
• How often you would like updates and in what format
• What you will both do if you (the person letting go) do not feel comfortable with a decision for which you relinquished ownership
• What you expect if you (the person letting go) are perceived to be moving back to Level 2 type oversight
• How you will evaluate the process once the job is complete

Delegation is both a compliment to another's abilities and a test of their own leadership. It is hard for someone to be judged by how well their team or partner does while letting go of directly managing the activities. Positive results are a compliment to both parties. Negative results can be a test of real leadership - not in retaking of the reins but in providing "air cover," a second chance and an acceptance of risk.

Absolute control is rarely the best answer. It's sometimes the only answer a person knows; that's why delegation is a learned skill.

Thoughts on trust

You can build, bend, break and borrow trust. You can rebuild it. It comes in different breadths and depths. You cannot hold it, absolutely measure it or buy it.

We each have our own philosophy around trust (if we think about it at all). Trust often means different things in different situations.

And when the chips are down (under stress – work, relationships, health, point-in-time…), we sometimes reserve the right to doubt the trust we've put in people.

In business, my trust is cautiously given but constant. In personal relationships, my trust is absolute and unwavering. Sometimes it gets battered and bloody a little but it heals; I'm there for you.

My philosophy is that few folks are truly evil or mean-spirited and deserve a chance to prove themselves.

When trust is wavering, my knee-jerk reaction is to wait for the other party to assure/re-assure me, cry "mea culpa" or to be indignant that my support may be questioned. That's just pride; trust means vulnerability. Vulnerability means I have to put my pride aside and keep working through the crisis at hand instead of being wounded.

That's really tough to do. Vulnerability and trust are cornerstones of relationships. It is hard to stand exposed and alone when the storms are raging. But trust is important, so we remain determined to build or hold trust.

There is no one right way to do it. Conversation. Openness. Fragility. If my gut – our second brain – is churning, I take the risk that I can rely on the folks who have offered. Sometimes it doesn't work out but if I don't take people at their word (and I can't yet read minds), it's all I've got and it's a decent start.

Storytelling -part 1

Storytelling - if you google it - is the new leadership buzzword....which is terrific if one understands that 'spin' and 'story' do not necessarily have the same meaning.

While I'm very excited to be part of the Baruch College Symposium later this week, recently I had the priviledge of attending a storytelling workshop lead by Dan Yashinsky, a Canadian artist with a gift for bringing circles together. I watched as he found ways for people to connect more intuitively with their jobs by asking them to describe their job to a grandparent. Some folks struggled. Some made us laugh. However, the point was made: the mind needs hooks and sticky bits on which to fasten both understanding and emotion.

In a world bent on reducing things to facts - to save time, to be seemingly logical /rational /scientific - storytelling is like water in the desert; it allows us a place to explore both emotion and possibility. Storytelling can enhance critical thinking, build teams, create trust, enhance communication and allow for vulnerability.

Share a story with someone over a tea/coffee today?

Collaboration & consensus again...

It seems lots of folks are still in the collaboration vs. consensus debate. One friend remarked to me last week that many don't realize that consensus is the easy way out: you put in your vote and hold up the process until everyone agrees. Collaboration, she remarked, requires trust. Trust that:

• You'll consider my idea before rejecting it
• I will feel like I had input even if I don't agree with the final direction
• You know what you're doing
• We will jointly take responsibility regardless of dis/agreement along the way

Trust is tricky. We're required to give it - at least officially - in work environments. In personal situations, we can take a long time to offer trust. In work environments, folks are more reluctant to overtly express doubt and thus the real conversations are sidebars and the public conversations/meetings have a 'happy face' on them. Collaboration implies there are fewer sidebar conversations. Consensus implies we've all got CYA syndrome; until I'm sure I'm covered, you don't get my vote.

Maybe this is because both trust and collaboration require effort. It's easy to vote / offer an opinion. It's harder to make thoughtful contributions for which you're also willing to do the planning /details / work. It's hard to put yourself on the line, put ego aside, take on someone else's cause /project. It's really difficult to implicitly offer the promise that we'll fail or succeed jointly And I will follow your lead even when I think it's not the best path.

Perhaps trust is built through communication.

Recently, I was trying to collaborate for a project in my personal life. My project, my dollars, etc... so I had the final word but my collaborator had some great expertise. Well, my collaborator disagreed with all my requirements and made decisions without me, then would try to get my agreement after the fact or simply not be responsive to questions and requests. There was no real collaboration as no one was listening to me. We would meet and come to consensus and then nothing would change. The project faltered. My collaborator blamed everyone but himself. His inability to take responsibilty killed the final spark of collaboration I could muster. I know I should have set up stricter guidelines, better communication expectations and proper project protocol but I like a lot of rope to maneouver so I offer lots; usually it works out.

The project is now back on track with a new team who not only seem to collaborate well, they communicate. With more communication comes more trust.

We can't always immediately create trust within our project teams. We can't always restart projects. We can always communicate - from the beginning, through crises, to wherever the need takes us. Trust and collaboration may feel elusive but communication is always a ready skill to build a bridge.

Parenting & mentoring parallels

I was asked what my philosophies on raising a kid were like. After I tossed the out the requisite jokes:

• Say loudly in public spaces when out with your kid: "Well, that's a quarter I owe your therapy jar!"
• Wave his unmentionables out the window when driving along a street where his friends live
• Stick to his childhood nickname even when he politely requests you use his real name
• Show pictures of him at 3 years of age, dressed (or not), to all potential girlfriends

and (my favourite)

• Immortalize his toilet training in your writing

I realized that, despite my best efforts to be on Child Services "most watched" list, my kid had taught me a lot about mentoring by not moving out at a tender age (or any age yet...).

• Parenting and mentoring are a mix of working through one's own issues and stories.
• What's a good story; a lesson to share; a moment I would repeat; an action I would change?
• A parent and a mentor must decide what kind of leadership and guidance style they believe in.
• Believe in and be willing to walk the talk. Good parenting is living and breathing a life philosophy even when it hurts. Mentoring gives the mentor a few extra breaths to take a break but mentors are still role models and eyes are often watching.
• Good parents and mentors ask:
• What do I stand for?
• What practices and beliefs do I want to embody?
• What does that mean day-to-day?
• We cannot parent or mentor effectively when tired, angry or sad. But we often do.
• A great parent or mentor walks their talk inspite of personal circumstance - not hiding thoughts and feelings but  being consistent in approach regardless and transparent in how to cope (or not).

We can't change how we were parented. We can change how we parent... and mentor...and the behaviours we request of our parents and mentors as our own self-awareness grows.

I hope my skills have evolved with my philosophy... I'm sure my mentorees and my kid will let me know...

to my friend & mentor

One of my mentors, friends, source of inspiration has suffered a set back... this is for her...

Dearest S,

We have debated the meaning of courage, women in leadership, parenting in a modern age and the place of wine in a debate. Eating chinese take-out and pretending the broccoli made it healthy, we decided on next steps and bold career choices. Afterwards, we admired impulse fashion purchases (a cycling dress!) and crazy paper napkin decor.

I first thought about sharing my expertise with the academic world once more while scarfing down sushi pizza with you. You shared your dream to open a knitting store while we played with our new iPads and complained about bosses past.

You rock. You are a superstar. You embody the very best of change, even when the change is not a good one.

You bring trust, vulnerability and intelligence to every decision and relationship. That drive to see new solutions, the focus on what matters, the zest and zing of a life filled with adventure will stand you in good stead now. You make every moment count even when it doesn't so that the rest of us can model that excellent philosophy.

You've built a community that reaches to every shore. I'm proud to be included. We stand ready to cheer and support you in whatever direction you need, for however long we all should be able to stand together - may it be many decades more!

with great love and respect.

Emotion is a strength

Emotion is critical to decision-making.

Ask:

• I am putting roadblocks in my own way? (10 obstacles to mentoring)
• Am I letting my emotions/reaction dictate my action? (it's ok to feel, it's how we act on that feeling that matters)
• Am I not checking in with how I feel? (emotion is critical and creative)

A great strength that women often feel more comfortable exploring is emotion. Emotion often implies vulnerability - in  a work context this can mean a willingness to change, to share or to sit back and listen instead of drive. There is a TED Talk on the Power of Vulnerability exploring this. Brené Brown says “connection is why we are here; it gives purpose and meaning to our lives...”   “...in order to allow for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen... that's vulnerability...”

Emotion is a strength. Emotion has a place in every corner of our lives. Emotion is not drama - emotion is its own truth. We cannot build a community for ourselves at work or home without emotion.

Building Trust

I just read the blog post "Eight Actions Determine If You Can Be Trusted" on the blog Leaders to Leader.

 

The author Timothy F. Bednarz points out that:

• Promises & Commitments
• Mistakes
• Loyalty
• Information
• Involvment
• Recognition
• Communication
• Confidentiality

are all concepts that create trust.  He inspired me to actually think what an action might be that we could do immediately might look like. Individually, these are aspirational qualities that can take years to evolve. Perfection doesn't have to be the goal - so what might the first steps look like? What might we do today?

 

Promises & Commitments

• Offer someone an introduction, an article or an hour of your time and follow up within 30 minutes of getting back to your desk/home.
• Thank someone who recently met a commitment (personal or professional) for you.

Mistakes

• Call someone you have been avoiding due to a missed or impending deadline and confess your tardiness/reluctance and renegotiate.

Loyalty

• Acknowledge if you've been less than supportive of a present program (see Mistakes) and talk about the pieces that do excite you at an upcoming team meeting.
• Call out a staff member for a behaviour that demonstrate best-in-class for something you, yourself, are striving towards.

 

Information

• Forward a relevant email from your manager or peer, with a one-two line summary of how you hope folks will read the attached.
• Before responding to a problem, first ask questions - and listen to the answers.

Involvement

• Identify a deadline with someone to whom you've delegated something. Ask them to give you the dates when they'll expect you to review actions/information with them. Then resist the urge to check in with them the day before the dates they already committed to following up with you ;-)

Recognition

• Thank someone who assisted you recently and cc their manager.
• Book a coffee with a colleague - and make it clear the latte is on you!

Communications

• At your next team meeting, start off by asking folks what one thing was effective/not effective at work last week. Build a list of actionable items and take some of them on yourself.
• Have you manager come speak with your team about his/her 'view from the top'. It doesn't have to be about any 'news' so much as what the week behind and the week ahead is bringing to the senior tables.

Respect Confidentiality
* While this one seems obvious for the big picture, it's also important in the day-to-day.

• Use BCC as little as possible - it becomes part of your reputation. When you do use it, let the BCC list know as not everyone looks where their name is on an email and can "reply all" very easily.
•  Ask folks how they like to be recognized (public? quiet? etc.)  as well as their preferred style of communication (email? face-to-face? phone? etc.)  Supporting someone in their choices can build trust and show respect.

Building community

It's not a new idea. We do it every day. Every act of kindness, offer of help, question, or shared piece of information builds a community around each of us. The real effort comes when we try to do it deliberately and consciously - to not wait for the invitation but to invite; to not wait to be asked but to offer. Rejection doesn't come as often as we fear it might. (though it does still come but if everyone liked everyone that would be creepy...)

Another name for this is networking - building stronger ties with those you know and forging new ones. None of this takes an event, party or large meeting.

Our communities overlap through shared interests, people or projects. We don't have to know everyone directly; we just need to be open to collaborating across shared connections.

Each of us already has a community; fewer of us deliberately fill ours. There is nothing wrong with being deliberate, with being interested in new people, activities, knowledge sources and opinions. Sincerity of interest is the key. Openess and trust in sharing what we know or feel is important. Family, friends, acquaintances - the inner and outer rings of our circles - are the buffers and safety nets of an uncertain world. (thanks for being part of mine and inviting me into yours - I promise to list each of you in my Academy Award speech one day!)

Influencing vs. Manipulating

Influencing is not manipulation.

Manipulation has a hidden agenda and is about tricking someone into doing what they don't want to do. 

Influencing is getting folks to feel safe/open enough to take in new/different information and consider other courses of action.

I have manipulated a three-year old into going to bed (haven't we all?), proudly turning off the light at the end. I have tricked someone into showing up for a surprise party they didn't know we were throwing. I have been deliberately mislead into signing a document for a new water heater I did not need (somedays I am not smart). Not all manipulation is for evil intent. However, the common themes are misleading or misrepresenting information to get someone to do something they might not otherwise choose.

You try to keep control of the other party when you manipulate.You can only manipulate most folks once. It's a one-time deal and builds no trust, confidence or relationship.

Influencing is the other side of the coin. It's about relinquishing control and offering advice or guidance (which may or may not be taken). Influencing is about committing to offering an open, honest dialogue, taking responsibility for offering the best information one has but not directing the application of the information or dictating the choices.

Mentoring is influencing at its best.

What's trust?

A facilitator faced the crowd, read the highlights of her resume, and concluded "So that's why you should trust me."

Now, perhaps if she had been reading a list of successful investments and then been urging us to invest with her, that could have made sense. Or if she had listed any well-executed tasks and then told us to trust her with another similar task, that too would have been ok. But she was talking about us - a room full of strangers - trusting her totally and implicitly with our fears, secrets and psyches.

All of which raised some interesting questions - what is trust? how is it earned?

There are varying degrees - just like "love" - and I doubt many of us have really thought hard about it. We trust or we don't. We use our 'gut' as a reference and we forge ahead. There are probably a few givens to explore:

• you can't demand trust with folks you've just met, no matter how great your resume is
• you can't assume trust with folks you've known, unless you've actually discussed the issue
• you can earn trust either quickly or by degree but it should be a conscious effort
• the only way to test trust is to be vulnerable with the other person and see what happens (again vulnerability can be by degrees)

Trust is not a pedigree - it's a relationship.

I'm going to ask my new mentor what he thinks...