“How do I uncover common points of reference to build a relationship?”
I get asked this a lot. No one ever asks this in relation to building a friendship, but when it comes to work-related interaction, folks get weirded out.
The pressure to connect faster in a professional setting is bizarre, but it’s there. Those reference points do allow us to relax with each other and that’s important when a project might not have months to allow a relationship to develop. And we already know we only like to work with people we like! (see posting “Please Like Me” Nov.08)
The buttons we use to find common points are the same regardless of intent: direct shared history; direct or indirect shared experience; directly shared friends. Amusingly, a common project goal isn’t enough to bring people together as a community.
Obviously, history is hard to build if you’ve just met. Or hard to ignore if the previous encounter didn’t work out well.
Directly shared friends can work as a great bridge - like a letter of reference. Feel free to ask those friends to speak up on your behalf to smooth the transition from stranger to acquaintance. We do this all the time in job searches - why not use it as a regular tool all the time?
My preferred method is finding our shared experiences. This can be accomplished during a simple coffee chat. By asking good questions to uncover what’s important to your new partner, you can offer your own experience or view and find some shared ground that is meaningful.
I have a dear friend (also a work colleague) who hates kids - so obviously we didn’t bond over my placing parenting in my top accomplishments. And she loves coffee and I am a tea drinker. We first bonded over a love of language and how one can use it as a weapon or a gift. Language is important to us both. We could have bonded over the silver jewelry we both admire - but that wouldn’t have taken us past the first day as jewelry doesn’t drive our days like language does.
Shared experience - even if you’ve never met - is a great point of reference on which to start building conversations. Uncovering it can take mere minutes with thoughtful questions and honest replies. Even if you don’t uncover much, you’ve created an open conversation and offered your ear to someone which has now created a shared history.
Monday, April 13, 2009
My Ideal Place for Building Community
I think many folks have an idea like this hidden away - a hang out to meet new folks and grab a moment with friends. Open, inviting and comfortable.
Mine is a café that would be a combination of used and unusual books with deep armchairs and little tables and a counter with a few stools that served brunches and lunches. A specialty sandwich each day, a soup, a pie, a cake... teas and coffees... eggs, cheeses and biscuits. Maybe one late night a week with live music and silent auctions for local charities. Local potters and artists' work.
Sort of Sleuth of Baker Street (www.sleuthofbakerstreet.com) with a wider book selection and food/drink. Or Hugh’s Room (www.hughsroom.com) with more mingling and some books.
It’s not hard to talk to anyone - friend or stranger - in a place like this. The trick is to import that vibe to the soulless rooms in which we more often find ourselves at work - or to the line ups and gatherings which we try to make impersonal (grocery stores, bus stops, coffee runs, etc.)
The whole world is really that café. It’s only that we rush through it, looking neither right nor left.
Mine is a café that would be a combination of used and unusual books with deep armchairs and little tables and a counter with a few stools that served brunches and lunches. A specialty sandwich each day, a soup, a pie, a cake... teas and coffees... eggs, cheeses and biscuits. Maybe one late night a week with live music and silent auctions for local charities. Local potters and artists' work.
Sort of Sleuth of Baker Street (www.sleuthofbakerstreet.com) with a wider book selection and food/drink. Or Hugh’s Room (www.hughsroom.com) with more mingling and some books.
It’s not hard to talk to anyone - friend or stranger - in a place like this. The trick is to import that vibe to the soulless rooms in which we more often find ourselves at work - or to the line ups and gatherings which we try to make impersonal (grocery stores, bus stops, coffee runs, etc.)
The whole world is really that café. It’s only that we rush through it, looking neither right nor left.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Be Real
A while back, I decided to stop hiding my reactions and feelings about items. I am considerate; I don’t overtly wail and beat my chest over the ugly bits and I don’t do my big Snoopy dance for the good bits. I offer an honest and respectful reaction/opinion in order to have an open conversation around requests or news.
So how did that work?
I spend a great deal of my time explaining that, regardless of my excitement or dismay (or lack of either), I will still be able to choose how to proceed. I find folks are assuming that my emotion dictates my choice. For example, I might not be excited to talk to reporters about I.T. (decided lack of excitement there) but, as it is a requirement for the project, of course I will do it and I will do it well.
Rather than opening conversation, folks feel challenged if I’m not chipper and smiling about everything.
Fascinating. Are we really becoming leery of opinions?
This can also be seen with the ubiquitous “How are you?” How many of you actually answer the question instead of saying “Fine. Thanks.”? Which sort of makes the whole exchange rather meaningless. I’m not saying we should kill all social niceties - but we are losing valuable points of connections by passing them ALL by.
If I was thrilled about everything (and all the time) you’d want to lock me away. Conversely, responding to everything with a groan and grimace doesn’t encourage conversation either.
Feel free to express mild dismay or hesitation or cheer over new information and requests. Offer your opinion. Be real. Different points of view don’t discourage community coming together; they strengthen it as long as everyone knows what direction to head in after the discussion. That’s how it works in the playgrounds, forum theatre debates and even on blogs!
That’s truly contributing to collaboration.
So how did that work?
I spend a great deal of my time explaining that, regardless of my excitement or dismay (or lack of either), I will still be able to choose how to proceed. I find folks are assuming that my emotion dictates my choice. For example, I might not be excited to talk to reporters about I.T. (decided lack of excitement there) but, as it is a requirement for the project, of course I will do it and I will do it well.
Rather than opening conversation, folks feel challenged if I’m not chipper and smiling about everything.
Fascinating. Are we really becoming leery of opinions?
This can also be seen with the ubiquitous “How are you?” How many of you actually answer the question instead of saying “Fine. Thanks.”? Which sort of makes the whole exchange rather meaningless. I’m not saying we should kill all social niceties - but we are losing valuable points of connections by passing them ALL by.
If I was thrilled about everything (and all the time) you’d want to lock me away. Conversely, responding to everything with a groan and grimace doesn’t encourage conversation either.
Feel free to express mild dismay or hesitation or cheer over new information and requests. Offer your opinion. Be real. Different points of view don’t discourage community coming together; they strengthen it as long as everyone knows what direction to head in after the discussion. That’s how it works in the playgrounds, forum theatre debates and even on blogs!
That’s truly contributing to collaboration.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)