Unboxing

There's so many boxes out there. Some are necessary. Some just get in the way. I am amazed/amused/astounded by the boxes we put around ourselves.

We have boxes about what we will/won’t eat, the music we will/won’t listen to, the jobs we will/won’t aspire to, the people we will/won’t find interesting, etc etc etc.

Recently, I challenged myself - I also have a list of things that define me because I will/won’t do them. Some are carefully chosen and some are just from habit or discomfort. I broke a few of my own ‘rules’ yesterday (and suffered through the ‘what have I done?’ moments). I realized this morning that no one had even noticed the changes and the only real impact is that my world-view is a bit broader.

The thing about rules is you have to ask yourself “What’s the worst thing that could happen if I do/don’t do X?” You then state the feared outcome and ask “What will I do if that should happen?” Amazingly, potential outcomes are less terrifying when we take the time to think through our options in advance. Even more amazingly, friends will wonder what took you so long to make the leap in the first place.

A sample conversation with myself often goes something like:
“What is the worst thing that could happen if I talk to a stranger?”
“They’ll laugh at me”
“So then?”
“So then I’d tell them to stuff themselves.”
“What’s the next worst thing.”
“They’ll reject me with a cutting comment.”
“So then?”
“So then I’d tell them it was obvious I’d wasted my valuable time.”
and so on.

I’m always a little shocked at how easy it is to do reverse-psychology on oneself…

So I’ve challenged my habits a bit this week.
Terrified? a little.
Unboxed? getting there.

Dress code rules

The more someone tries to nail good taste, common sense or judgment to the floor, the more ridiculous the effort becomes.

"Ensure no lingerie shows at any time."
Does that include the camisole peeking out to hide my cleavage? Because frankly, I'd rather show off the girls and not be tugging down the cami every hour as it rides up my rib cage.

"Hemlines should be below your fingertips."
Because all our arms / torsos etc. are a uniform length and being able to not touch one's hemline is a true measure of worth and respectability.

Over the years, dress codes have and will change. If there is a need (e.g. safety) for a rule, then follow it. If someone is simply trying to dictate a view of a workplace that does not include diversity (in thought and expression) then question it!

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Aside from the fact that women are often urged to dress in a way that men can contain their primal urges (reflecting badly on both genders), until they issue me a comfy fleece onesy uniform, here are my 'rules to dress at work.'

• Don't wear clothing that you'd wear to the beach or for gardening, etc.
• Don't be spilling out of either the top or bottom of your outfit (or middle)
• Ragged holes usually are a no-no 
• Start the day clean, unwrinkled and stain-free

Yes, that's all common sense but not everyone can find sense when they're tired or on a tight budget. 

There are 3 guidelines to consider:

1 - Know what's appropriate for the situation.

 

Usually that's set by the tone of the event, meeting or workplace. Often there are suggestions "Business Casual"... sometimes there are specific items listed "No clamdiggers"  (I'm not kidding). 

 

When I work with not-for-profit administrators, I point out that when relationships first form we need to put folks at ease. Since we first connect on the visual, mirroring body language and dressing to loose business guidelines is a quick and easy way to say "I get where you're coming from" off the top. The differences will emerge soon enough.

However, do not limit your creativity or put yourself in a uniform if that's not your thing. Think of 'appropriate' as the polite manners of the workplace, like adding "please", "thank you" and "may I call you by your first name?".  

 

2 - Know your personal style and don't give it up, just adapt it.

 

Ask yourself - what image do I want to project?

 

If you're not sure what your style is, stick closer to the suggestions the event/workplace offers around #1. Play it safe. If you are aware of your style - use it. Graphic print wrap dresses or beautiful necklaces keep me sane.

 

Those who tell women to dress in conservative colours and cuts are trying to downplay gender. No one tells guys not to wear crazy socks, ill-tailored pants or cool two-tone wingtips. Feel good in what you wear, including heels if you can actually walk in them (have a friend follow you to check).

 

If you don't feel happy in what you're wearing - shoes that pinch, pants that pull, an itchy sweater or feeling like you're wearing a disguise - you won't have as good a day. Our image inside and out should be confident, comfortable and in control and reflect how we wish to be seen.

3 - Ask someone you trust if you are not sure.

 

Don't just go to folks who dress like you and look for validation. Pick someone who has a style you admire and ask for their opinion.

Personal rules - use your mentor

We all have personal rules: colours we will wear; foods we will eat; household habits; social outings. When we think about breaking rules, we do not often consider breaking our own. However, our personal rules are created from a mix of necessity (e.g. allergies), fears (e.g. discomfort) and habit... which means some of them are open to being challenged.

Personal rules can get in the way of your professional career. From how we choose to present ourselves visually, to how comfortable we are in sharing our successes or goals, we can get in our own way.

This is where a mentor can help. Mentoring is not about creating new tasks and rules; it is about helping you identify strengths and long-term goals. A mentor can then challenge habits and choices that might be hindering or outdated and support us in selecting new options to try.

Remember, every rule can be challenged except this one.

Break rules

Women
Break your own rules.
Break the rules of others.
Break rules.
Make guidelines that respect choice and independent thought.
Break every rule except this one.


Sounds like a poem for chaos and anarchy?

With amazing posts like Phoebe Holmes on her blog Herding Cats writing about fashion faux-pas based solely on age to amazing books like Break Your Own Rules (2011), it is apparent that there are many rules that bind us.

Hidden rules like who gets up to make the coffee. Overt rules like 'cover your grey hair.' Silly rules like older women shouldn't wear mascara on bottom lashes.

I am tired of rules. Yes, we need some guidelines as sense and judgment require support and experience. Yes, things that are physically dangerous need to be called out.

I would like to ensure the 'why' of the rules serves a purpose beyond telling me to be docile and accepting.

Enabling or controlling?

There are lots of rules and guidelines out there. Every day we each contribute a few more.. at home, at work, for ourselves and our communities. Beyond examining if our choice is being driven from fear or passion, the next step is to ask if the outcome is best served by something that enables or controls...

We can't have both. We've all been on projects with governance that was not clearly one or the other and folks often were confused as to how to make a decision and what the change really looked like.

So what's the difference?

Control: Be home by 11 pm.
Enable: Default is to be home by 11 pm unless there is prior agreement by both parties on a different time.

First one is finite and sets a clear boundary. Sometimes we need that. Sometimes we hate being treated like children and will push the boundary or ignore it.
Second one allows both parties (parent & child) to enable discussion, negotiation for earlier or later if the default will not work in a given circumstance.

Control: Thou shalt not kill.
Enable: Thou shall love, respect and protect each other.

Again, first one sets a boundary we all feel happier having. But it only eliminates one specific behaviour, leaving loopholes that many have exploited over the centuries. Which created more controls. Which had loopholes....  And it doesn't enable new behaviours in place of the one behaviour denied.

Control: Don't push that red button.
Enable: The following circumstances will require pushing the red button.

Control: Fill out this form on X.
Enable: Ensure X is fully documented.

Control:  I will not eat sugar.
Enable: I will make healthy food choices.

There is a place for controls. (Stop at the stop sign...) And one for enablers. However, their very nature means you must select which tone you need to set for your project, family, self, etc.

I prefer enabling governance (unless I'm Audit...) because people being people would prefer to feel like their judgment matters. Plus, there will always be a loophole; I'd rather it be a discussion than a rebellion.