Debating is good

We can't strengthen our ideas if we only talk to people who agree with us.

Simplistic? Possibly. But when was the last time you - as a mentor or mentoree - sought out a dissenting opinion?  When did debate become a bad thing? Why is it necessary to dismiss the feedback of all nay-sayers?

Scientific theory thrives on attempting to disprove itself, not prove. (I won't attempt to explain Popper's theory but I recommend reading about it)

"Winning" the debate should not be about everyone agreeing or anyone being silenced. Marriage was defined for years as between a man and a woman and debate has brought us to a new(er) definition. Not all agree. Opinions are still forming in all areas, including mainstream. It was debate that was part of bringing about change.

Ideas are about change. Debate creates views into that change so we can manage the necessary adjustments with some foresight and perspective on the opinions helping/hindering transformation. 

Welcome debate. Listen to be heard even more strongly!

Nothing is like starting a new job

Between the adrenaline rush of not knowing what to expect (people, assignments, fires, etc.) and the satisfaction in knowing you were the "chosen" one, a new assignment is a sure way to get your mind running, heart racing and adrenaline pumping.

It's like a first date, a new living space or travel to a new place.

Then in comes the day to day reality. Defining the mandate and how much is actually expected - too small? too large? too little? too much? Learning to wake up day after day to the same faces and opinions is never easy.

One mentoree and I were talking about this last week. The question was not how to keep the excitement or even to deal with the excitement wearing off; the question was how to keep our own brand from being lumped into the "same face/opinion" bucket.

Consider this: if we are predictable in our reception of new ideas and our execution/questioning of existing processes, are we still contributing at the level that had us selected for the job to begin with?

A new assignment takes all our focus; our daily job sees us compiling grocery lists in our head during meetings. Perhaps there is a middle ground. Perhaps we need to ask "why" on a regular basis and listen to the answers. By appearing interested, not assuming and welcoming input at the same high rate as entering a position, we can stay the preferred candidate and keep our own interest and growth higher?

Why ask why?

Every three-year old knows, ask "why?" and get information. Ask "why?" again and get more. Keep asking why and watch the folks around you rush to give you answers before the word can fall from your lips.

Then, something happens. The older we get, the more it is frowned upon to ask why. It's considered annoying...or presumptuous...argumentative...disrespectful... Asking "why?" can make us feel silly...or slow in thinking...frustrated...uncertain...

Ever asked a teacher why it was important to memorize a trivial fact? Or a manager why one task was suddenly more important than another equally burning issue? Or a partner why they chose a plan of action?

Sometimes "why?" can still net us great value. Mostly we hesitate to ask or receive the question as a challenge instead of an honest inquiry.

We stop asking "why?" along the way. Which means we become equally accountable for the decisions and choices in which we participate without question.

"Why?" is about clarifying and discussion. "Why?" examines choices. "Why" can support listening and learning at any age/stage.

Why discuss "why"? To take the sting out of the word and open the conversation.

Thinking before speaking

There are two questions I ask myself before I start to speak at meetings:

1 - Does anyone really need to know that I know that?

2 - Have I established how we are "alike / like-minded" before I launch into how we are not alike?

The first question serves to still the inner voice that says things like: omg I just said that 20 minutes ago!... or …I know a better idea... or …I agree! Look at me! …or (my favourite) …How dumb are you??  We all know that voice even if yours isn’t as much like a teenager as mine. (thoughts on a 3 year-old’s voice having a tantrum in my head is for another post)

The second question is around establishing the relationship before I offer an idea/opinion. It allows for comfort for the other parties that I am trying to listen first vs. bulldoze and creates some trust by offering a context for me and my place in the dynamics of what we are trying to accomplish.

As I tell my mentorees, it doesn’t always work. Sometimes my inside voice gets out before I can slap a hand over its mouth. Sometimes folks will be determined to see everyone as on the opposite side of whatever is the issue. It’s always worth trying.

Listening is the hardest skill to master

Waiting for the coming snow storm, writing odds and sods, listening to the wind outside and the silence in the house...

Silence is rare. We put on music, have TVs play in the background, radios hum, appliance motors kick on, BBs beep. Oh - and there goes my graceful cat, tumbling like a bowling ball down the stairs. There is always some form of noise happening; no wonder stopping to listening is hard. We are attuned to noise and can sometimes not notice a switch in the tone indicating a need to truly listen.

There are courses and books about how to listen offering great advice like:

• Ask more questions and wait for the answers
• Don't interrupt (have you met my family?)
• Paraphrase what you believe you heard to indicate listening and ensure you've got the message correctly.

We all want to be heard. We have great stories to tell and ideas to share. It's true we don't listen well but it's rarely from malice or disdain.

It's a two-way effort. With so much background noise, so much information coming to us on a daily basis, so many things competing for our attention, the speaker also needs to help the audience listen.

• First, by asking for undivided attention. If something doesn't require undivided attention, don't ask for it.
• Then helping the audience be in a place where listening is possible. A quiet room. A scheduled time. A private space. 
• Frame the message clearly: what I need you to know; why; if there is some action to be taken. 
• Allow for questions (that's the best place for background information).
• Restate the key point and request. 

Listening is a collaborative skill - it's one half of the conversation.