Walk the dog when your brain gets tired

 A good friend said to me a while back: “Close the computer and go walk the dog.” Deadlines were looming. Vendors were calling. Regulators were conferencing. Meetings were piling up; email exploding; decisions delayed…forgot to eat… smacked my fingers with the drawer… raining….

Sound familiar? 

 

I hit a metaphorical wall and, just to be sure, I hit it again. Did you know that we have a finite capacity for making decisions in a day? That you can get “decision fatigue?” Psychologists and researchers have just started examining this phenomenon (officially called Ego Depletion) but many of us already know it exists and live it more often than we prefer.

 

Once we hit that wall, our stress reactions take over and those are different for everyone. Some will just start saying “no” to everything. Some will take the first options they see. We’ll procrastinate or avoid or use anger to deflect. Our brains continue to flood with stress hormones and there is no rest in sight.

 

That’s Exactly when you should walk the dog. Or colour with the kids. Or go for a run. Take a hot shower. Watch Jane the Virgin. Whatever will let you disengage for 30 -60 minutes and allow your brain a moment to process the chemicals from the stress. We can’t power our way through this; our brains go on strike no matter how smart, efficient and productive we may be.

 

Our brains don’t differentiate between work and personal decisions either. Once we have decision fatigue, the topic is irrelevant.

 

These days I’m trying to do my decision making in the morning, listen and research in the afternoon, and make a few more decisions in the early evening. I walk my dog a little more, throw in 10 minutes of yoga even as my schedule turns red, and call a friend when I need to laugh. 

 

https://www.healthline.com/health/decision-fatigue#how-to-handle-it

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/decision-fatigue

A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

I tend to make sure I dress “invisibly” when I’m presenting. I don’t want to distract the men, take focus from my message, or have anyone question my credibility. Should I counsel my mentoree to do the same?

The Invisible Presenter

Dear TIP,

There is definitely something to be said for not distracting from your message. But aren’t you also part of that message? That’s a great discussion to hold in a mentoring relationship.

Supporting your message may not be about erasing or being invisible. Supporting your message may be in people feeling they can ask you questions, have further discussions with you, ask you for more guidance. 

We sell our messages with:

• ·       Tone and volume of voice
• ·       Facial expression
• ·       Gestures
• ·       Word choice
• ·       Attitude… and
• ·       Our visual presence

As long as you’re not trying to be deliberately provocative (unless that supports the message), ask yourself if you’re cutting out a form of communication that could help you create the change or conversation desired. 

Now, ask me anything.... :-)

dennie

Your intro opens a door

Can you answer this question: Why would you call you?

Brand is your reputation and you have the ability to steer it towards what you want it to be. 

Find 6 words to use as the ingredients that show you - within the context you find yourself for an introduction. 

Outsides matter too, sometimes

A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

How do I know when I’m dressing as myself, showcasing my brand? What’s too far? What are the rules?

Outsides Matter Too

Dear OMT,

If you don't feel happy in what you're wearing - shoes that pinch, pants that pull, an itchy sweater or feeling like you're wearing a disguise - you won't have as good a day. Our image inside and out should be confident, comfortable and in control and reflect how we wish to be seen.

Aside from the fact that women are often urged to dress in a way so that men can contain their primal urges (reflecting badly on both genders), rules for dressing are often not that helpful. Rules don’t account for style or taste - beyond reflecting the concerns and sometimes biases of those who wrote the rules. Unless a rule is there for safety (e.g. “steel-toed boots must be worn on site”), I suggest these guidelines instead.

·                Don't wear clothing that you'd wear to the beach or for gardening, etc.

·                Don't be spilling out of either the top or bottom of your outfit (or middle)

·                Ragged holes usually are a no-no 

·                Start the day clean, unwrinkled and stain-free

Yes, that's all common sense but not everyone can find sense when they're tired or on a tight budget. 

There are 3 things to consider:

1 - Know what's appropriate for the situation.

However, do not limit your creativity or put yourself in a uniform if that's not your thing. Think of 'appropriate' as the polite manners of the workplace, like adding "please", "thank you" and "may I call you by your first name?".  

When I work with not-for-profit administrators, I point out that when relationships first form we need to put folks at ease. Since we first connect on the visual, mirroring body language and dressing to loose business guidelines is a quick and easy way to say "I get where you're coming from" off the top. The differences will emerge soon enough.

2 - Know your personal style and don't give it up, just adapt it.

Ask yourself - what image do I want to project?

If you're not sure what your style is, stick closer to the suggestions the event/workplace offers around #1. Play it safe. If you are aware of your style - use it. Graphic print wrap dresses or beautiful necklaces keep me sane.

Those who tell women to dress in conservative colours and cuts are trying to downplay gender. No one tells guys not to wear crazy socks, ill-tailored pants or cool two-tone wingtips. Feel good in what you wear, including heels if you can actually walk in them (have a friend follow you to check).

3 - Ask someone you trust if you are not sure.

Don't just go to folks who dress like you and look for validation. Pick someone who has a style you admire and ask for their opinion.

If someone is simply trying to dictate a view of a workplace that does not include diversity and personal brand (in thought and expression) then question it!

Now, ask me anything.... :-)

dennie

What's a whisper network?

 A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

What’s a whisper network and why does it exist?

No Secrets

Dear No Secrets,

A whisper network is an informal chain of information passed privately, usually between women, often focused on sharing who or what might be negatively influencing the security and/or abilities of women in the workplace. 

It is meant to be helpful, especially in environments where transparency is not practiced or encouraged. Often the network is willing to share what they know if asked; many are focused on finding solutions and helping the conversations come to the table. 

Mentoring is a means to take the informal information and work together to find action plans for an individual. 

Below are our panel’s notes from the discussion held at the Women in Transportation Services workshop May 25, 2020.

Top 10 things currently just in our "whisper network":

1. Being asked to do administrative tasks (minutes, notes), and being judged as difficult if you object or refuse
2. Dress code- stronger perception of how women dress compared to male counterparts, being judged more strongly on external appearances
3. Innuendos & favouritism, speculation that can originate from male/female mentor/sponsor relationships
4. Undermining technical knowledge because you are female, being judged as a "quota hire" or tokenism vs getting to be known for capabilities
5. Job security, both through Covid19 and in technology in general (rapidly changing industry where you are always having to reskill and upskill)
6. Being intimated to ask for promotions or raises especially with male bosses
7. Having the boldness to broach hard topics
8. Judgement of flex hours, many places have flexible policies but there is an unspoken stigma when they are used (i.e. leaving early, even if you started earlier, because others are still in the office)
9. Career growth through family planning, being promoted if you have children or are perceived to be having children soon
10. Showing emotions, balancing being tough (and the "bitch" perception) with being kind (and the "soft" or "emotional" perception)

The world needs mentors - you

Regardless of where you are in your career, you have something to contribute. Your experiences are valuable. Your caring is even more valuable. Your willingness to try? Priceless.

Benefits	Attributes	Outcomes
Considered best practice for career planning	Collaborative	A safe place for open and deep discussions
Opens endless doors to people, knowledge and networks	Relationship-based	Deliberate connecting and sharing
Stimulates new ideas	Candid and respectful	Challenges and questions assumptions
Ensures participants can find their areas of strength	Inclusive and focused	Personal satisfaction and recharged projects
Attracts high-potential individuals to sectors and/or opportunities that offer value beyond the traditional rewards	Authentic and growth-oriented	Option to make deliberate choices and changes

On #blackout Tuesday

I grew up in Quebec, during the FLQ and the PQ party rise and Expo 67 and the 76 Olympics. I grew up when girls took sewing/home ec classes and boys called each other "homo" thinking it referred to milk. I've been told I am not tall enough, pretty enough, quiet enough... I've been called bossy, feminist, trouble-maker... (and in this decade).

I have been sexually harassed and sexually abused. I've been paid 0.87 on the dollar. Passed over. Food insecure. I've been the only woman in the room. Told I ask too many questions. Told to tone down my natural red hair.

You get the idea.

Yet, I know that my skin colour, my educated speech and my degrees afford me privilege.

My experiences are horrible / sad / unfair. Acknowledging my privilege does not make them less awful. Acknowledging my privilege is necessary so I can learn how to share it or use it to create change.

Will writing a blog post change anything? Will a drop in the bucket add value? Those are not the correct questions. Withholding support until proof of success is offered is like refusing to vote until you know your candidate is elected.

The real question is what else can we do?

There are atrocities in this world today. Shameful, terrible atrocities in the system and in a few hearts.  Acknowledging them, standing up to bullies, changing what I can in my own circles is the least I can do.

Dear Dennie #5 - emotion in the workplace

 A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

How should I respond when I hear people say that women are too emotional in the workplace?

Professional to my core

Dear PC,

Emotion is a strength.

Emotion is critical to decision-making. 

A great strength that women often feel more comfortable exploring is emotion. Emotion often implies vulnerability. In a work context, this can mean a willingness to change, to share or to sit back and listen instead of drive. 

Telling me to not make "an emotional decision" drives me crazier that the issue itself. Just because I'm showing emotion does Not mean my brains fell out my butt.

A debate I've been reading around critical vs. creative thinking is missing the fact that emotion colours both approaches. Regardless of the side of the brain you favour, pretending the final output is not coloured by emotion is naive.

Emotion is a strength. Emotion has a place in every corner of our lives. Emotion is not drama - emotion is its own truth. We cannot build a community for ourselves at work or home without emotion.

Now, ask me anything.... :-)

dennie

Pandemics and boredom

Are you bored yet? Are you bored of seeing the posts about people being bored? Is it really boredom?

Is it boredom?

• Is it uncertainty about personal finances or jobs and no ability to do much about it?
• Is it frustration with our homes having become more places to eat/sleep than live?
• Is it inertia due to a lack of hobbies or creative outlets to help express emotions and needs?
• Is it grieving for the routines and habits that made our day feel 'normal?'
• Is it angst about not being able to help or be helped?
• Is it indifference to the pieces closest to us that loom larger without external distractions?
• Is it nervousness waiting and waiting ....?

I am feeling all these things. I am not bored. Plus, I'm sure there are more questions than I've listed above.

Clarifying a problem by asking questions  - instead of jumping to solution - is a great mentoring technique. On a Zoom call last week, many folks were solving the "problem of boredom," suggesting activities and perspectives meant to keep the spirit alive.

Question "boredom;" address the root cause.  

Dear Dennie #4 - Priorities

 A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

Given all that’s happening these days, aren’t mentoring and networking lower priorities?

Other things on my mind

Dear OTomm,

Shelter, food, health, friends and family… those are just the beginnings of our top 10 lists these days. Work is also top of mind: figuring out new technologies; new ways of teaming; reprioritizing our efforts; or acknowledging loss and uncertainty.

Mentoring isn’t something that happens just when we have time. Mentoring relationships are the safe place to explore the tough questions about our changing workplace. There is no better time than now to talk it through with people whose opinions we value. 

Networking is simply another word for building community. We need our communities these weeks and days more than ever. Connecting (email, calls, video, etc.) in this time of social isolation is necessary for everyone who is worried or wondering. Deepening existing connections is as important as building new ones. Offering our friends and coworkers our attention and support is how many of us will come through this.

Connection is always part of our survival tool kit.

Now, ask me anything.... :-)

dennie

Dear Dennie #3 - Covid-19 and networking

A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

Covid-19 has a lot of us working from home. I can figure out how to talk with my mentor but how do I build my network with limited social contact?

Alone with computer

Dear A/C,

Networking is about building a community you can call on in times of need. That means there are always times and ways to add to and deepen connections.

We often associate networking with events, coffee meet ups and in-person exchanges. Yet, there are lots of ways reach out, even during Covid-19.

Deepening

• •      Send an email checking in on friends
• •      Send a meal package to someone who can’t get out
• •      Make a call
• •      Recommend reading or research – articles; books; videos
• •      Make a video greeting on your phone to send
• •      Offer yourself up as a coach, editor, or just an ear

New

• •      A simple opening call, even just to compare work from home styles
• •      Informational interviews (kept to 15 minutes, that do not end in a job request)
• •      Join a Facebook or LinkedIn group that interests you and ask questions
• •      Host a webinar for your community and urge them to bring someone you do not know to the call

Networking can be small, cumulative gestures. You may be working from home but you are still surrounded by a community.

Now, ask me anything.... :-)

dennie