Dear Dennie #3 - Covid-19 and networking

A monthly letter/column as written for & published also by Women in Transportation Services

Dear Dennie,

Covid-19 has a lot of us working from home. I can figure out how to talk with my mentor but how do I build my network with limited social contact?

Alone with computer

Dear A/C,

Networking is about building a community you can call on in times of need. That means there are always times and ways to add to and deepen connections.

We often associate networking with events, coffee meet ups and in-person exchanges. Yet, there are lots of ways reach out, even during Covid-19.

Deepening

• •      Send an email checking in on friends
• •      Send a meal package to someone who can’t get out
• •      Make a call
• •      Recommend reading or research – articles; books; videos
• •      Make a video greeting on your phone to send
• •      Offer yourself up as a coach, editor, or just an ear

New

• •      A simple opening call, even just to compare work from home styles
• •      Informational interviews (kept to 15 minutes, that do not end in a job request)
• •      Join a Facebook or LinkedIn group that interests you and ask questions
• •      Host a webinar for your community and urge them to bring someone you do not know to the call

Networking can be small, cumulative gestures. You may be working from home but you are still surrounded by a community.

Now, ask me anything.... :-)

dennie

Connecting others

Can you make at least two connections for folks this week?

Whether it is helping work colleagues or friends expand circles, a simple introduction can be all it takes to go from hoping to happening.

I usually an email with the following format:

<Sue> meet <Joan>. <Joan>, <Sue>.

<Sue>, <Joan> is a (description of what might interest<Sue>) plus I find him/her to be (personal story/descriptorsince you're using your own reputation as the introduction base).

<Joan>, <Sue>  is a... 

I hope you share a very interesting beverage together!
You get the idea? If unsure of the reception, check with each person in advance before sending the introduction. 

Mainly we are waiting for permission to talk with each other. Give someone permission this week.

Persuasion

Persuasion is a simple word that has neither good nor evil implications. The dictionary lists: "...the act of causing people to do or believe something..."

Persuasion can be achieved through:

• debate
• argument 
• discussion
• trust & patience
• persistence 
• influence

and other approaches spanning an emotional and intellectual range as varied as snowflakes.

We have all done much of the list and probably more. Anyone with kids knows they are quick studies in techniques aimed at being persuasive.

Often, the first time we meet, we are trying to persuade each other to accept a new friendship / see an opportunity / hear a story, etc. We negotiate and persuade every day. It is a common communication approach.

Only when the discussions stop should we worry. When arguments are presented as facts, when only one side gets to talk, when choice is removed...then it isn't persuasion it is force. As employees we may be given direction but we retain our right and ability to influence. As family members, there may be house rules but we can negotiate. As communities, we can debate with other communities to create shared understandings. As a mentor, I can only offer but never demand.

Persuasion and empathy might be the two hot skills for 2017.  

Community is necessary

Is my glass half empty or half full? I am a half full kind of person though some days I am not sure of what it is half full....

In the midst of all the current social, political and economic questions (to name but a few categories), it would seem we all might need to step up our game and add our voices.  I am working through what that means to me personally; I welcome your insights on what you have chosen as responses for yourself.

This is why community matters - our personal, professional and neighbourhood communities. Communities do not have to be in agreement on the tactics, just united in a vision for change. We build our communities through networking...creating friendships, alliances, new ideas and skills, reaching new audiences, opening stronger dialogue, and promising to support each other in times of crisis despite differences.

A glass alone cannot be enough. We require community to act as the pitcher from which we all can share.

Mental health - bring it out of the darkness

December 2014, I wrote about depression. Not easy to write, maybe not easy to read. It's not that I want to talk about my inner life with this blog; I truly believe that in order for there to be conversations about mental illness someone has to start one and then keep feeding it. It's like violence against women - saving one day a year to speak out is as important as using all possible seconds to speed the echos and new voices onward.

January 25 is the day we're supposed to hold a conversation on mental illness. I bet that, for many folks, participating in one would be okay but starting one is what holds us back. Yet the research all shows that talking about things helps erase stigmas and produces new ideas.

My personal story aside, here's what I believe everyone can do this Wednesday.

• Call a friend and say "I just wanted to remind you that I support you and accept you"
• Hug someone and say "Sharing germs to keep immunity from happiness from spreading"
• Send a meal to someone who has been valiantly keeping their head about water
• Let someone cry without trying to fix it or shame them for showing emotion
• Admit you don't know what to do or say if someone you care for is having difficulties - then ask them if any of the above would help

Part of the issue is in our genes, part in our environment, part in our choices. All the solutions are are possible if we respect and support each other as a community.

It's Halloween - time to network with your neighbours!

What better time to make a few connections? Even us introverts can reach out more comfortably on a night when strange children run up to your door asking for candy while their parents stand by in a shadow. 

A few tricks with the treats:

• Have some disposable cups and some hot coffee in a thermos to offer the parents
• Introduce yourself to the neighbours you recognize that you may not have done more than waved to before
• Offer to pool candy bowls and share porches or door duty for an hour so time passes more quickly
• Crack open a bottle of wine and bring a glass to the neighbours around you before the foot traffic starts
• Prep a little special bag for the children you may know in your 'hood with an extra treat
• Offer to take photos of neighbours and their children when they come by and then trade email addresses

These little kindnesses (and any others you can add) are often remembered and a great way to break the ice. Knowing our neighbours makes our community better for all.

Happy Hallow's Eve!

Are we losing our sense of community in this century?

In a wonderful article/interview with Zygmunt Bauman "Social Media are a Trap," he states: "We are in a period of interregnum, between a time when we had certainties and another when the old ways of doing things no longer work. We don’t know what is going to replace this."

Mr. Bauman stresses that growing tension between our identities as a community and our personal identities. While he references social frameworks such as political and geographical, he mentions how uncertainty is hitting many people - from where they will work to the desire for freedom in a world demanding security (which curtails individual freedom for the 'greater good'). He points out that while 'community' is out of our control, networks are something we can choose deliberately. "The difference between a community and a network is that you belong to a community, but a network belongs to you. You feel in control. You can add friends if you wish, you can delete them if you wish. You are in control of the important people to whom you relate. People feel a little better as a result, because loneliness, abandonment, is the great fear in our individualist age. But it’s so easy to add or remove friends on the internet that people fail to learn the real social skills, which you need when you go to the street, when you go to your workplace, where you find lots of people who you need to enter into sensible interaction with."

He limits the concept of network to a social media framework and goes on to say that  "But most people use social media not to unite, not to open their horizons wider, but on the contrary, to cut themselves a comfort zone where the only sounds they hear are the echoes of their own voice, where the only things they see are the reflections of their own face. Social media are very useful, they provide pleasure, but they are a trap." 

It is true. We don't often talk with folks with whom we may disagree. We don't seek out dissenting opinions often because we want to hear critical feedback in a safe environment. Networks should include those with whom we can have those difficult conversations: mentors; friends; family.

In his book, In Moral Blindness, he warns about the loss of community in our individualistic world. What I believe is harder for his studies to see or mention are the numerous 'kitchen tables' being built by those who understand the power of community and networks in their truest sense: survival.

a thought on long 'to do' lists...

I make lists. It keeps me organized. At very least, it lets me vacuum my brain of all the things I'm supposed to remember that I have to do. It's usually a printer sheet of paper with at least two columns of what starts out as nicely typed thoughts that are overwritten with scribbles, additions, cross-outs and doodles.

I love my lists. I really do use them.

Recently, the lists seem to be getting longer. I'm not sure if it's because there's more to do or less hours in which to do it all. Cleaning up the backyard before winter (in July it was simply listed as 'mow') vies for attention with 'submit expenses' and 'get food'.

Here's a question that now applies to all items on lists: Is this really important and to be done in the next week or so and, if yes, who can help?

Suddenly, my lists look different. My kid may not be answering my texts but the yard is done. My expenses are mine to do but a team member took over some travel bookings. My list is on a roll! Go, network!

Canadian Thanksgiving - a little gratitude

It's not really considered a holiday by the folks who work with me on the other side of the border :-) ... and it doesn't come with a Mayflower and turkey story... but it is a celebration of fall, family and the goodness that comes to a communal table: food; people; ideas; sharing.

To all the folks who share a piece of the world with me - in spirit or in person - I thank you for letting me play a little in your sandbox.

dennie

Connecting challenge

For this glorious week of June which includes the longest day of the year and unbridled desire to sit on patios instead of at work stations... Can you make at least two (2) connections for folks this week and give them the excuse to sip a beverage in the summer air?

Whether it is helping work colleagues find someone with an answer, a lead, a similar project - or friends looking to expand their social circles - a simple introduction can be all it takes to go from hoping to happening.

I usually an email with the following format:
X meet Y. Y, X.

X, Y is a (descriptors of what might interest X) plus I find him/her to be (personal story/descriptor since you're using your own reputation as the introduction base)

Y, X is a...

I hope you share a very interesting beverage together!

You get the idea? No one has ever said no. If I'm unsure I check with folks in advance before sending the email.

Mainly we are waiting for permission to talk with each other. Give someone permission this week?

Intros in 6 words

I've written about the 6 word exercise before – and the need to make a resume and introduction reflective of values.

Sitting with a tea, the aha! was: do them together…

Introductions are often like a label in clothing: 10% name; 60% work history; 20% family reference and 10% 'why are you here?'  While we make do with that sparse information to create a link for conversation or engagement, it's sometimes difficult.

Let's approach introductions as more of an ingredient list: 1 cup of <value>; 2 tbs of <passion>; mixed with <interest>; and seasoned with <x>.

Take the 6 words and introduce the ingredients that make you who you are within the context you find yourself. At a meeting - how do you plan to add value and take some away (vs. name/rank/serial number)?  At a networking event – what gets you excited about your business, your career?  At a coffee – what are the important things against which you hope to connect with others?

Put 6 words at the top of your resume that summarize the skills and passions reflected in the body.

Six words can open doors that lead to stories that lead to connections for your network and community.

Daring. Easy. Different. Engaging. Professional. Delivers!

Loneliness

Yup, not a usual topic for mentoring or networking but certainly a key factor in how/why one builds community.

There are all kinds of definitions but this post is just about the one where you're surrounded by teams, friends or other communities and you still feel isolated. That kind of loneliness can last a day or a lifetime (or feel like a lifetime).

Loneliness can be self-imposed or be a matter of circumstance. It doesn't really matter the reason if one is feeling lonely.

Networks are not a buffer against being lonely. Friends are. Family is. Friends and families are networks and communities by definition but, when feeling lonely, sometimes strangers and acquaintances are easier to talk with - they won't necessarily push for action or challenge the facts of the story. These conversations are how work relationships can progress to friendship or just make things awkward. Measure the risks and make a decision that works best for you.

Basically, reaching out when feeling lonely is a great thing to do. If, like me, you have days where it's just easier to acknowledge being lonely and not reach out, that's fine too. We build communities in advance of a crisis, small or large, so there is help if we want it during.

Running out of juice

It's every busy person's issue: running out of juice. That can mean: running of energy, time, interest, ability, food in the fridge, patience… the list goes on.

Even the best of systems with terrific support run out of something along the way. The trick is not to assume you can never run out but to know how to recover.

Communities and networks are the best bet to covering the times when resources run thin. Yet, building community takes time as well. So what's a busy person to do?

The usual way: tackle it a little piece at a time.

·         Make it part of every event and meeting

·         Play hostess wherever you are – even a coffee shop

·         Say thanks or share information with a short email

·         Block time quarterly or monthly to reach out to key individuals & sponsors

·         Refresh your introduction on the commute to work

·         Share a story with those you value

Make it a small daily/weekly set of 5 minute tasks with folks who bring value to your life. It won't make you less busy but it will add juice in unexpected ways.

Sponsorship - troubleshooting

How do I turn a non-supporter into a sponsor – or at least neutralize those saying negative things about me?

First, ask if the person is actually enough of an influencer that it matters to you or your communities what they say. My ex-hubby is always going to be a fan of my art and a non-fan of me as a partner and I’m good with that. J

If it does matter, then avoid the “they say/ I say” where you give differing stories to the same listeners. Instead, consider sitting down with the other person and asking the following:

“What would it take for you to either believe in me /that I can do X?”

While you might not ever get them to be a fan, you can at least ask how you can correct any negative impressions they might hold. Be careful not to ask for their opinion and then explain to them why they are wrong… Perhaps listen and ask again “What can I do to help shift your perception?”

Sometimes that simple gesture is all it takes. It’s a scary step but often well received.

We talk with mentors regularly. How often should we talk with sponsors?

Often, you have a relationship with the person outside of their sponsorship. Let that relationship be the guide vs. having to remind them that you count on them as a sponsor as well.

For those in a professional context with whom you only have occasional contact because sponsoring you upon request is your only reason to interact, then include them on your updates (monthly, quarterly, etc.) of keeping in touch/ articles / ‘thought you’d like to know’ that you share with your network in general. Be sure to note any of your sponsors’ changes in jobs or accomplishments along the way and send a note /give a call in support. (sponsors love sponsorship too)

How do I let folks know I’d be willing to be their sponsor?

When you praise or thank someone, let them know that if there are places where they promote that particular project, skill or attribute, that you’d be willing to be a reference. Be clear if your sponsorship is active or passive (see previous post). Most folks will not turn you down.

Sponsorship – you may already have it but do you know what it is?

Let’s start with what we know.

Studies have shown countless times: the most trusted communicator and biggest aspect of employee retention is a good people manager. How many of us have used a trusted people manager as a reference and ongoing place for ‘checking in’?

Most of us have a manager – short of running your own small company, there is someone to whom you must answer for your activities, productivity and results.

Some of us also have sought mentors beyond our managers and friends with good advice. Not as common, not a role as well understood, not something we think to offer or use on an ongoing basis.

Today, we hear a lot about sponsors. Like mentors, we sort of know the two things might be linked. There are books saying how we need them. Personal brand seminars urge you to identify them. Companies or artists might see sponsors as a means for financial supplements on top of bank loans or grants.

We have all used references. These are people who we hope will talk to our strengths and help us land projects and positions we desire. Or fix us up with nice dates. Or sign our passport applications. Or help get our applications approved.

Let’s look at career sponsorship. Many of us have given references. The call comes a day before: “Can you be a reference? Just tell them how it was to work with me!” “Sure,” we say. “No problem. You know I’m a fan.” We might check the rules our workplace has about providing references to past employees  - or we might be doing it as a personal favour for someone with whom we worked at another company – or it might be an internal reference. “Joey is great; you can’t go wrong with Joey!”

Mentors and sponsors – the search for the magical silver bullet of attaining a great career or coveted “in” seems a cheerleading squad away.

Seems simple; so why all the questions?

The meaning of words

“Mentoring,” “coaching,” and “sponsorship” are common terms; we need to be clear about what we are seeking and why.

Let’s spend a moment reviewing mentoring vs. coaching.

A direct manager, even with genuine concern for supporting a worker to a promotion or new assignment, is first and foremost occupied with – and accountable for - getting the current job or assignment done to the best of the employee’s and team’s abilities.

This can create uncertainty of where the mentoring relationship fits/does not fit in the workplace; it can feel in direct opposition to the manager’s immediate performance needs.

Mentoring puts the work and the success back on the mentoree. The mentoree owns their actions and decisions at all times. They choose – or don’t – to take the advice or challenges given by their mentor. They are answerable to no one but themselves on their progress. The mentoree sets the direction and the mentor guides.

Both a manager and mentor will create dialogue, encourage you and nudge you. However, while both your manager at work and your mentor "coach" you - there are some differences in the approach.

Manager - coaching	Mentor - coaching
Direct or indirect reporting line	No direct or indirect reporting line
Clarify your existing job & accountabilities for you	Explore broad career options
Create objectives for your current assignments	Encourage self-reflection and goals
Teach to have good performance on their team and for their projects	Ask questions around perceived barriers with only your development in mind
Support personal & career development – usually inside your organization	Support personal & career development for anywhere you choose
Hold you accountable for following direction and achieving your & their team objectives	Cheer you on, while pointing out when you are not being accountable to yourself
Assign actions	Suggest actions
Listen and escalate issues as they impact the team or project	Listen and keep information as confidential
Fundamentally one of obligation, driven by your manager	Fundamentally one of choice, driven by you

 So what does a sponsor do?

A sponsor is there to support choices you’ve made with your manager or mentor – or perhaps as a result of your own self-reflection. They might question your choices to better understand them but ultimately their role is to work with you to plan how best to use their influence to get what you seek.

A sponsor is part of your PR campaign; a sponsor is your billboard. A sponsor reflects who you are and what you are seeking and backs those choices with their own brand.

So when does sponsorship come into play?

Any time; all the time.

The first time you went after a babysitting job and needed to reassure a nervous parent that you could be trusted not to empty the fridge or host an impromptu party or the time you wanted to join your first volunteer board – you have been using sponsorship in some form.

Why do I need sponsors?

It is a frame of reference that provides reassurance and context when forming a new relationship.

You have probably already needed supporters and references throughout your career. We need someone to speak up for us at any time – from informal introductions to expand our networks, to new teams looking to understand each other, to job searches, to finding a mentor.

Who can be a sponsor?

Anyone can be a sponsor; even those you think might not hold obvious power/influence. If someone is willing to stand up for you and support your brand that can have a powerful impact. Think of a person who reported to you who would publicly state they would be willing and eager to do it again or the peer who sent a note of praise or thanks.

A sponsor – according to the Mirriam -Webster dictionary is:

1:  one who … undertakes responsibility for the person's religious education or spiritual welfare

2:  one who assumes responsibility for some other person or thing

3:  a person or an organization that pays for or plans and carries out a project or activity

According to the Free Dictionary, a sponsor is:

1. One who assumes responsibility for another person or a group during a period of instruction, apprenticeship or probation

2. One who vouches for the suitability of a candidate for admission…

5. One that finances a project or an event carried out by another person or group

 Let’s think of a sponsor as someone vouching for a candidate’s suitability or backing a person’s idea or project in some fashion.

Where do I find sponsors?

Everywhere.

A sponsor can come from beside, below or above you and, sometimes, even outside your circle.

We are observed every day: the kind word you have for the coffee barrista who starts remembering your favourite drink; the other team who had to do the project your team’s way and were allowed a voice (or not) in some other way; the eye rolls; smiles; promises (kept or not) – it is not just the big end results but our walk along the way that is noted, filed and discussed. You might be surprised how many folks have an opinion about you, your work and your attitude /ethics /character.

A sponsor is someone who knows you and on whom you can rely to spread your story the way you wish it to be told. A sponsor is someone you trust and who trust the foundation and consistency of your actions.

As well, you can have multiple sponsors at any time; it is not an exclusive relationship – which is why you can also sponsor more than one person.

However, there are a few building blocks which should be in place before you start asking people to be a sponsor. Like any role, it becomes simpler if accountabilities and expectations are discussed and defined.

1 – Identify the types of sponsorship you are seeking

Understand and negotiate with your sponsors the type of sponsorship you are seeking at any particular point in time. Permutations will reflect both parties and can change over time.

To the extent that you both agree is possible, your sponsor can be any or all of the following:

• Advocate – speaking on your behalf
• Fan – cheerleader, believer
•  Reference – thoughtful feedback and character opinions
• Patron – financial or other type of backer
•   Champion – campaigner, activist
• Supporter – positive place in your network
•  Mentor  (or ex-mentor) – working with you to define long-term goals

A sponsor can also be active or passive.

• An active sponsor will talk about you without being prompted and may seek opportunities to reference you in a conversation.
• A passive sponsor will wait to be approached before offering their insight /experience /opinion.

Depending on your requirements, you will need to ensure your sponsors agree to take on an active role. If you have been a sponsor, you probably waited for the phone to ring and did not necessarily go out and beat the bushes to extoll the virtues of the person you were sponsoring. The onus for building a brand still falls to the person being sponsored.

2 – Remember that sponsorship is a relationship requiring care & feeding

I believe mentoring is:

·         Building a community for others

·         Relationship-based

·         Collaborative

·         Fluid and inclusive

The heart of successful mentoring and excellent sponsorship is therefore in the relationship.  Like dating, sponsor relationships don't always work out.

Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there; the two people involved just don't understand each other. Maybe neither can agree on a definition of "sponsorship" or what actions are required. Maybe someone is just looking to do superficial approaches when the other is looking for substance.

Sponsorship is an activity driven by the sponsor and sponsored, requiring action as well as trust by both.

Be true to yourself. Be ready to do some work (on either side of the relationship). Be prepared to date a little if necessary.

3 – Know your brand; arm your sponsors

In the past, for many of us the approach to sponsorship was: do good work; hope people say nice things about it. As we become more mindful about our careers and lives, it makes sense to become more thoughtful about how we create support for our aspirations.

When looking for sponsorship, you can offer:

• Exact purpose of sponsorship (general /ongoing or particular /time-boxed)
• Specific skills, traits or attributes you wish to be mentioned
• Adjectives & adverbs you want as your descriptors
• Timelines in which sponsorship will (or will not) be useful
• A request for active or passive support
• A discussion to ensure your sponsor is actually comfortable with the request
• An ‘elevator speech’ about you and/or what you’re seeking
•  A view to how sponsorship might be mutually beneficial

It is like writing your personal ad with (or for) your sponsor. This helps your sponsor feel more confident that they can support you properly and for you to be comfortable with what might be said.

Why does any of this matter?

According to the US Department of Labor, the average worker changes careers three to five times. As well, a 2008 study by the US Department of Labor cites a person will change jobs every 4.1 years, making it seven to ten jobs across the multiple careers. Some of us have changed twice that much already and are not yet done in our careers. We need sponsorship as a tool in our tool box to build the lives we can value.

Mentoring and sponsorship require time and effort; great mentoring and sponsorship require us to take accountability for our own desires and careers. Our lives are all about relationships, choices and dreams; as those carve a trail both behind and before us, our personal stories form. Sponsorship is a means to spread our story and share the stories of others. Sponsoring and being sponsored is another tool by which we build community.

Building community is how we flourish – however we define success.