Managers vs. Mentors - difference in coaching

Be clear on the expectations in your mentoring relationship… and how they differ from a relationship with a manager.

Understand obligations and drivers. Make sure everyone is clear on what kind of coaching is involved.

I can; I can't

It all boils down to two drivers: Passion; and Fear.

We make all our decisions from either caring about the outcome or fearing thoughts of poor outcomes. 

Excitement, strong beliefs, joy or other compelling emotion create passion and let us charge past doubt. Fear can seem like shame, avoidance, worry or other overriding emotion that creates hesitation.

Learn a new skill out of genuine interest or because a job or rating is at stake? I may buy a house because it’s my dream to have a space I own or because, while I have no desire to fix my own toilet, I am worried that housing will grow out of my price reach as a renter. Driving defensively to avoid an accident is fear-based and a great decision. Inventing something is usually from passion and getting past one's inner critic.

Like money, neither motivator one is good/bad; it’s all in how and why they are applied.

The problem arises when the majority of our decisions/actions appear to be a result of fear-based reasoning. We dwell on the possible catastrophes or downsides and allow opportunities (small and large) to slip away.

This is why change feels much harder and larger than the actual step required of us. Asking for mentorship can feel huge. Building a network can feel very outside our comfort zone.

We will feel what we feel but we can choose how we act – always. The question I ask myself at every career decision - daily or big picture - is: Is my comfort zone the better place to rest or is my career/plan more important? Either choice is fine but it must be a choice.

As a mentor– help dig into the why/why not conversation. Help the choice be deliberate vs. emotional.

As a mentoree– ask yourself “what’s the worst that can happen?” Make a plan to address these potential (and possibly improbable outcomes). Often when we have a plan, we worry less and can move forward.

Advantages of older women

Older women might

• Laugh and sometimes pee a little at the same time (go ahead, guys, try it...)
• Look down at their less than perfect tummies and think "a baby came out of there" or "that was a meal worth having"
• Get a tattoo and have no one ask how it will look when they're wrinkled 
• Forgo "period" undies and wear pretty ones every day
• Wear cool vintage by shopping in the back of their own closets
• Have a long loud belly laugh without embarrassment
• Wear blue-hair and make it really blue... or turquoise... or even purple
• Act "immaturely" and have it called "being young at heart"

Perhaps most importantly

• Have nothing to prove while maintaining a drive to learn
• Mentor and be mentored with little ego and lots of insight
• Understand that work/life balance is simply prioritizing & choices
• Believe that being grown up does not mean being static or finished
• Allow themselves to choose based on interests & passions vs. peer pressure or manager preference

Anything to add?

Examining career choices

How do you know when it's time to re-examine career choices?

There is a lot of research that talks about a need for a catalyst to create change; we don't naturally seek it ourselves. This means that most of us wait until either we are dissatisfied with the current situation or a big event comes along that changes our perspective.

If that's the norm, why ask the question? There are two reasons why it's worth getting ahead of ourselves:

1. By the time we're dissatisfied or pushed to find an alternative, we're often feeling pressed for time or at a disadvantage. Either scenario doesn't allow for planning and reflection; it mostly calls for immediate action.
2. It should be the norm to reflect on our career, to ensure we're still engaged with our weekly tasks, to see if we are making progress against our definition of success. Otherwise, we're drifting with the current and not necessarily engaged in the moment.

Re-examining your choices doesn't mean the choices will be any different. Maybe it confirms them. Perhaps it allows for a tweak vs. an overhaul.

Choices should be active and periodically renewed. We renew our choices to stay in relationships, houses, activities, etc. and we should do the same with the items that take the most of our day - our careers & jobs.

It's always time to re-examine. It's not being unfaithful or uncertain; it's confirmation and assurance.

Which leads me to ask if resumes are up to date....

The Repeat Test

I found this post on LinkedIn this past weekend.

This is a highly effective way to avoid wasting time. Print copies of this updated image and follow instructions from my 2013 article here: https://goo.gl/XrSwoZ

I found it very easy to rank my working day hours but not as easy for my personal time. Was playing an hour of Disco Bees a waste or a repeat? Was laundry virtuous and repeatable or a dirty chore? Was coffee with my neighbour valuable? 

I also struggle with changing the 'red' zones required of me at work because, often, someone else has considered them 'green.' 

It's a good conversation to have with your mentor: how to spend the time; how to change the time.

Time for a change

We own our careers. There are tools to help and people to support us but, ultimately, the choices and decisions are ours.

It may not always feel that way when trying to prove something to a new manager/sponsor/peer about what we can/cannot do. It definitely is harder to remember who holds the power during year end reviews, requests for promotions/increases/assignments.

Motivation comes from us... ourselves... Other folks can put tools in our path but ultimately, those tools only matter if it strikes the right chord for the time/place/mindset in which we find ourselves at certain points in our careers.

Money, recognition, and challenge are the three common buckets from which we can draw to motivate ourselves. We have all made decisions about joining/staying/leaving based on these factors. These offers from our jobs mesh (or don't) with our own work ethic, sense of self (at the time) and drive (which also can fluctuate).

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the above during the holidays. It's time for me to challenge myself to get the piece I've always been the most reluctant to request. It's time to be honest with myself about what I want to do and how. It's time to go out into the world and find my next job that will shape the coming decade.

I love what I do. It's time to say it proudly, publicly and go big!

Scary? Absolutely. Necessary? Maybe. Exciting? Yes. Gets me thinking and feeling proud of my attitude?  Totally.

If I say this to mentorees, then I should walk my talk. If we can say the above about ourselves and our careers, then that's a great place to start the search!

Passion vs. Fear

It all boils down to two drivers: Passion; and Fear.

We make all our decisions by being passionate about the outcome or because we are compelled by thoughts of worse outcomes.

Passion can take the form of excitement, strong belief, joy or other compelling emotion that lets you charge past doubt. Fear can seem like shame, avoidance, worry or other overriding emotion from your gut.

I’m going to learn a new skill because I’m genuinely interested or because my job or rating is at stake if I don’t. I may buy a house because it’s my dream to have a space I own or because, while I have no desire to fix my own toilet, I am worried that housing will slowly grow out of my price range as a renter.

Like money, neither motivator one is good/bad; it’s all in how and why they are applied. Driving defensively to avoid an accident is fear-based and a great decision.

Most of our decisions/actions appear to be a result of fear-based reasoning. This is often why change feels much harder and larger than the potential step required of us. Asking for mentorship can feel huge. Building a network can feel very outside our comfort zone.

We will feel what we feel but we can choose how we act – always.

Why do it? Why build community?

Why start anything? Is it need? Desire? Passion? Emergency? Boredom?

Geeta Sheker, Director for the Rotman Initiative for Women in Business, asked me “Why did you start on this path?” Like many, I started in order to help myself. I needed to get out of the holes I kept falling into – poor job situations, unable to look ahead because today took all I had, single parenting – you know the list or someone who has one just like it. My issues were partially because of societal issues for women, partially because of circumstances and mostly because I am far too independent and unable to ask for help. Being unable to ask for help isn’t about gender or situation; it’s simply pride, stubbornness and fear.

There I was, running 103 temperature with flu and all its disgusting side effects, with a three year-old running the same symptoms. He was on one side of my bed with a bucket beside him and I was on the other with mine. We were relatively new to the city and knew no neighbours, had no family or friends who lived nearby. I had no ginger ale, no soup, no crackers and no ability to go out and get any in the frozen February arena that is a Canadian city in the winter.

It was one of those Gone with the Wind moments. Had I had the strength, I would have raised my fist to the sky. Instead I lifted my head from the bucket and groaned “I never want to feel this isolated again.” (at least I meant to groan that; I probably just muttered “this is awful” and rolled back on the pillow.) In that moment, doing it all myself was out of reach. It would not be the last time – not at home, not at work, not at play.

Fast forward seventeen years…when I broke my ankle last summer, there were people in the emergency room almost before I arrived. I had food and distractions delivered to my door that lasted four weeks. And then my friends got the news and even more arrived. It’s still hard to ask for help but, without that crucial skill and a community in which to participate, it would have been a much tougher break (pun intended).

Our motives are personal and varied. Our communities are diverse and strong for that very reason. It matters less why we reach to each other, only that we actively do.

Tiny steps keep momentum

It is easy to be overwhelmed - by time crunches; critical feedback/things to fix; work demands; crises (big or big-in-my-head); conflicts; anxiety; fatigue... you name it. There is always a big ugly something waiting to pounce and wrestle our good intentions to the ground.

Do something vs. be overwhelmed by the enormity. Inertia can lead to paralysis.

1 - Picture the desired end state... and then the first small step to move towards it that can be done immediately. The end state may shift but each small action moves us further away from the big ugly something.
If you can't see an end... don't let that stop you from creating a beginning.

2 - Share the goal and the fear with a trusted friend. Nothing makes the monsters under the bed look like dust bunnies faster than daylight. This can count as a first step :-)

3 - Prioritize with your own criteria. Easiest...fastest...most impactful... it's your choice. What one task will ease the stress first?

4 - Delegate. Who else needs to/can be involved? Big ugly hairies rarely involve only person. Negotiate support.

Don't wait for a plan to be in place. Don't wait for the stars to align or better choices to come along. Ingredients in your pantry don't become cake until you start moving things to the counter. You can change your mind /plan at any time; just keep momentum.

Choice always!

The new year for me will always begin in the fall. Maybe it's the years of schooling, maybe the end of summer and watching the trees go to sleep till the new year... but January 1 seems arbitrary :-) 

However, many things are arbitrary: grammar; spelling; rules; guidelines; salaries; hemlines... It's a fact of life. Limits, boundaries and 'strong suggestions' are everywhere.

I'm not advocating fighting all suggested restrictions, only to think about their legitimacy and usefulness and then make an informed choice while accepting any consequences should you choose to buck the norm.

I'm happy to drink champagne with friends on December 31, obey traffic laws and pay bills to keep the lights and heat going. I will swear at spellcheck, negotiate my job duties and push at the "glass ceiling".

There is always a choice available, no matter how small. If something isn't morally, ethically or physically dangerous, then there better be a great reason for someone to tell us "no" or put a limit on things.

My favourite saying to post in training sessions is: "Every rule here can be challenged, except this one." Live thoughtfully; own your choices.

No silver bullet but success is always possible

You own your career.
You own your choices.
You are responsible for any and all progress in your life.

People will offer to help and some will be great at helping.
But there is no silver bullet. No magic checklist. No shortcut.

There is a dash of luck which is only useful with self-awareness, and enough preparation to recognize the opportunity and take a chance with it.

Follow your passions, your interests, your drivers.
Embrace change in all its forms.
Define success for yourself and how you will know you're achieving it this week... next month... next year...
Allow yourself to be flexible.
Acknowledge your weaknesses (but don't dwell).
Promote your strengths.
Share your successes.
Open your networks and possibilities will open to you.

Choices

It is not easy to make conscious choices every day. If you agree that most of what we do is choice, then a lot of what we do out of 'habit' is simply choice we are not stopping to think about any more. Preference becomes a 'must'; habit becomes 'need'; change becomes 'can't'.

Some days I would like to slip into my habits and blow off anyone who finds them annoying, unhelpful or mediocre. (anyone, including myself)

Some days it takes a nudge to help me find the excitment of discovering something new or re-choosing something deliberately because it works/ brings joy/ makes sense.

But if we surrender to habit and consensus, if we relinquish choice even in the little daily routines, I think we die faster - inside and out.

No one said it isn't tiring some days. No one said you can't take the occasional holiday. No one but you can make this choice.