Managers vs. Mentors - difference in coaching

Be clear on the expectations in your mentoring relationship… and how they differ from a relationship with a manager.

Understand obligations and drivers. Make sure everyone is clear on what kind of coaching is involved.

Persuasion vs. influence

We use the words interchangeably yet they are not the same.

Persuasion is the use of of words to make a compelling argument. It is often delivered through direct approach.

Anyone can try to be persuasive. We attempt to persuade people every day, in situations from sharing facts, our opinions, and preferences. Persuasion can be part of negotiation; a job interview is an attempt to convince someone they want us for the job. Asking for mentorship is often making a compelling pitch as to what a mutually beneficial relationship could bring.  Written or oral, carefully crafted or off the cuff, persuasion happens every day.  Persuasion is communication.

Influence is a combination of social status, power, relationships, trust, track record and other items that create brand. Influence is usually felt indirectly and over time.

Influencers are sought in the work place as mentors, project fixers and thought leaders. It takes more than a network to become an influencer. Influence implies excellent communication, strong relationships, forward thinking and credibility / trust.  Influence can be used to manipulate or to create bias.

Both persuasion and influence can be affected by word choice, biases, relationships, power/ control, and communication style.

Talk with your mentoring partner. Think of the difference as you expand or share your network. Build your skills in these arenas.

Build relationships, not transactions

You wouldn't send a fundraising letter without an explanation of a contribution's value to both the giver and receiver. You wouldn't address such a letter "to whom it may concern". You probably would try to connect with the person face-to-face before making a hard pitch. You probably would avoid making it sound needy, whiny, or bitter. You might even try and have a meeting before stepping back and soliciting funds if you had hopes to have an ongoing relationship vs a one-time donation.

So why (oh why!!!) do folks think it's ok to walk up to strangers at events and, after a 2 minute superficial introduction, ask for a job/purchase of services/reference?

Honestly, we take more time debating a drink selection!

If a working relationship with someone is like a marriage... and referring someone within your working relationships is like fix up plus a reflection of your own personal brand... and meeting someone for the first time is a blind date...  then why would you not treat all these potential connections and relationships with care as you both consider joining forces? Why do we so often find ourselves accepted or discarded solely by what immediate problem or need is on the table? Working life should not be run like an ER or fast food restaurant.

Life is not best served by making everything end in a transaction (sometimes yes, but not most). Build the relationship THEN work through the possible scenarios.

Tech is not ruining your ability to connect with others

A tool is not a solution; a tool is an accelerator for a solution. Conversely, a tool is not the the single point of failure for something not going well but we do use this kind of thinking as an excuse.

Technology isn't getting in the way of people connecting any more than credit cards force people to go into debt. They are tools and, like any tool, can serve a different purpose than originally intended if the user is determined.

Even 100 Years Ago People Were Worried about Technology Ruining Relationships points out that our desire to connect circumvents obstacles and uses new methods as available to engage.

Yes, it is silly to hold a family dinner with everyone on a smart phone. If in person, be in person. Sit in the moment: watch the movie; listen at the meeting; converse at coffee.

I love knowing I can reach my son in Vancouver via text in the middle of the day. My dad sends me 2am emails for my morning laugh. Dinner dates are arranged while I'm on the commute to work. I also meet folks from around the work via social media - relationship that have moved on to Skype, FaceTime and sometimes trips on cool jets that take me around the globe in less time than it often took me to pack for the trip.

Do you find the issue is more that we're too connected to each other via technology and therefore the only way to gain solitude is to unplug and turn off devices?

Technology is a tool. Community building and networking is a necessity. Use whatever tools we can get!

Thoughts on trust

You can build, bend, break and borrow trust. You can rebuild it. It comes in different breadths and depths. You cannot hold it, absolutely measure it or buy it.

We each have our own philosophy around trust (if we think about it at all). Trust often means different things in different situations.

And when the chips are down (under stress – work, relationships, health, point-in-time…), we sometimes reserve the right to doubt the trust we've put in people.

In business, my trust is cautiously given but constant. In personal relationships, my trust is absolute and unwavering. Sometimes it gets battered and bloody a little but it heals; I'm there for you.

My philosophy is that few folks are truly evil or mean-spirited and deserve a chance to prove themselves.

When trust is wavering, my knee-jerk reaction is to wait for the other party to assure/re-assure me, cry "mea culpa" or to be indignant that my support may be questioned. That's just pride; trust means vulnerability. Vulnerability means I have to put my pride aside and keep working through the crisis at hand instead of being wounded.

That's really tough to do. Vulnerability and trust are cornerstones of relationships. It is hard to stand exposed and alone when the storms are raging. But trust is important, so we remain determined to build or hold trust.

There is no one right way to do it. Conversation. Openness. Fragility. If my gut – our second brain – is churning, I take the risk that I can rely on the folks who have offered. Sometimes it doesn't work out but if I don't take people at their word (and I can't yet read minds), it's all I've got and it's a decent start.

Use the senses

It is amazing what sense memory kids have. A snowflake on the tongue lasts a lifetime.

It is equally amazing that we assume kids are the only ones to experience /re-experience sense memory. How many of us re-caught a snowflake in the first paragraph?

Sense memory can be a terrific way to engage folks during change or a negotiation. Getting them to ‘feel’ a vision can create an easier path to buy-in. Talking about a project roadmap and projecting the image of a hiking trail… or asking for a budget for a bakery and offering a taste of the product… negotiating a new car and bringing the lipstick in red to represent the paint job… it all triggers memory, emotion and participation (though you can’t always control if the memory is a good one).

Augusto Boal made the world sit up, bringing his audience’s senses into the performances that passed into Brazillian bills of law. Mixed Theatre Company follows his footsteps here in Canada. Executives and sales people do it every day with product samples, music, question & answer periods, town halls, working dinners and hand written thank you cards.

Engage your network with something to touch, to hear, to taste… use metaphors; send cards; break bread. Spread the message across the senses.

Storytelling - part 2

Tell a story. Sounds simple? We do it all the time. Suddenly, call it a story and all sorts of associations may arise and stop our voice. Will we be seen as emotional? Fanciful? Boring? Bombastic? Clueless?

Examples of stories:

• our personal introductions
• how we got a job
• what our kid has done lately (said with an eye roll)
• advice given with personal anecdotes for support

The list above isn't exhaustive. These stories roll off our tongues at a moment's notice. Suddenly calling a story out as a story should not make us stumble, though it often does.

It's best to be thoughtful about key stories, to prepare them to achieve what you hope they can. The heart of a story is often found in:

• What do I most need you to know?
• How do I hope you feel about it?
• What might you do with this information?

Facts are often only focused on the first or last question - either dumping facts or ordering results. Telling a story helps us walk through the possibilities together. The formula applies equally to emails, phone messages, anecdotes and introductions. Telling a story can make the interview or deepen a relationship.

Tell a story - embed the answers to the questions - see if the results emerge.

What is a good idea?

There are a lot of good ideas. There are even more "right" answers.  Sometimes the right answer can become the wrong one as circumstances change or time passes. Relationships, strategies, self-awareness... all the endless combinations are constantly shifting. This is why change is constant and Big Change will always come around.

So how does one know if one has a good idea? Assume most ideas are good and have value. It is often their timing that might not be ideal.

The questions to ask are really:

• Is this the right idea for the identified circumstances and people who will be implementing it? (e.g. if you have only have $5, and it's a $20 idea... or throwing a surprise party for someone who hates surprises)
• Can this idea be used effectively in the manner for which it is intended? Will it translate to actions well? (e.g. teaching a group of 5 year olds to bake & ice a layer cake...)

 Throw your ideas out there. Be prepared to pull them back if they don't fit but don't throw them away. Instead, throw out lots of ideas; collect the biggest basket of ideas you can. Just ask the right questions to select the best idea.

Roles we play

My mom is coming to visit. This is a great thing - it makes me sort the house, ensure a supply of fresh fruit and think of things to do in the city that I might not do as a regular inhabitant. It also makes me run through the varieties of "me" that hang in my closet.

 

Julie Michels said once that the minute one hears the opening bars of a familiar song, the body assumes the position for the dance.

 

We all have a dance with family, another with friends, another with co-workers, with strangers, with those who are strange but familiar on our commutes... Some we like better than others. Some come out at unexpected times. Some are so ingrained, the music is simply hummed unconsciously under our breath.

 

It is a great skill to be able to relate to a variety of groups and with different styles. It is even better to consciously select the style and "dance" we wish to have.

Judge less

A noble sentiment. Certainly, we all hope folks will view us kindly and with an open mind.

It's not so easy in practice. We all apply conscious or unconscious filters to people we meet. Supposedly we have made up our minds about each other in 3-10 seconds (depending on your source material): appraised; judged; filed.

I'm not suggesting we change the way the human mind is wired. However, now that we know we judge and are judged in turn, that we make an effort to allow folks to change the initial impressions they may have left that unwitting triggered a "don't go there" filter.

I'm not including the actions and folks who are deliberately setting out to get under my skin, just those who should be allowed a second chance if I have no concrete reason to file them as "outside the circle".

The next time a damp handshake or ill-timed joke cuts a potential conversation short, remember it could just be nerves or a bad day. Relationships are started with a quick judgment but built through long-term, consistent behaviours.