Best of December to you!

Tis the season... cookies, dinners, parties, gifts and good friends.

I am focused on family and friends for the remainder of the month. While showing my love is a regular event, my baking and socializing does ramp up as Christmas, Kwanza and Channukah draw closer. All my circles are celebrating December.

Send me your questions and comments; I will read them and respond. See you in the new year (2020!) with cheer and sunshine.

Networking to-do for year end

December

Why waste an opportunity to say thank you? For those of you who find it awkward, December helps create the expectation that you will reach out:

1.    Make a list of everyone to thank/re-thank for their support this year.

2.    Decide if an email, card, e-card, phone call or gift is best. (Default is a card as it shows thought and time)

3.    Block 30 min ea. day to create the "thanks". 

4.    Get it all distributed by mid-Dec. latest.

Growing your network is not as important as maintaining it, otherwise it's nothing but a ripple that will slowly diminish the farther out it spreads.

End of Year

The shortest and quietest time.

1 – Google yourself

What’s out in the nether-space about you? Do you know? Check news, photos, and web.

2 – Send a start-the-year note to your larger communities

It’s paper-saving and acceptable to send personalized emails in place of cards to those in your outer circles. Let them know you remember who they are and include a link or article that might contribute to their new year’s thoughts.

3 – Clean up your inbox

Respond to those emails and invitations or delete them. 

4 – Update your skills and accomplishments

In LinkedIn or your resume or anywhere you have a profile that matters to you.

5 – Enjoy a little time that has no purpose but to refresh you

Persuasion vs. influence

We use the words interchangeably yet they are not the same.

Persuasion is the use of of words to make a compelling argument. It is often delivered through direct approach.

Anyone can try to be persuasive. We attempt to persuade people every day, in situations from sharing facts, our opinions, and preferences. Persuasion can be part of negotiation; a job interview is an attempt to convince someone they want us for the job. Asking for mentorship is often making a compelling pitch as to what a mutually beneficial relationship could bring.  Written or oral, carefully crafted or off the cuff, persuasion happens every day.  Persuasion is communication.

Influence is a combination of social status, power, relationships, trust, track record and other items that create brand. Influence is usually felt indirectly and over time.

Influencers are sought in the work place as mentors, project fixers and thought leaders. It takes more than a network to become an influencer. Influence implies excellent communication, strong relationships, forward thinking and credibility / trust.  Influence can be used to manipulate or to create bias.

Both persuasion and influence can be affected by word choice, biases, relationships, power/ control, and communication style.

Talk with your mentoring partner. Think of the difference as you expand or share your network. Build your skills in these arenas.

Criticism and critiques

Feedback has gotten a really bad rap in the twenty-first century. Opinions can be polarizing. Especially at work, feedback can feel like a thinly disguised list of everything that is horrible about our performance.

Did you know that critiquing and criticizing are different? "criticism is judgmental and focused on finding fault, while critique is descriptive and balanced."

Feel free to dismiss the comments that are about tearing us down or that have a central message that we are terrible with no recourse to improve.

Embrace critiques that offer a sincere hand up on improving. Thank those who offer support, not by dismissing our projects for their errors, but by asking for more with improvements.

Discuss the difference with your mentoring partner.  Coach yourself for better critique ability.

(And thank you, Heather, for superb support with generous and useful critiques)

Connecting others

Can you make at least two connections for folks this week?

Whether it is helping work colleagues or friends expand circles, a simple introduction can be all it takes to go from hoping to happening.

I usually an email with the following format:

<Sue> meet <Joan>. <Joan>, <Sue>.

<Sue>, <Joan> is a (description of what might interest<Sue>) plus I find him/her to be (personal story/descriptorsince you're using your own reputation as the introduction base).

<Joan>, <Sue>  is a... 

I hope you share a very interesting beverage together!
You get the idea? If unsure of the reception, check with each person in advance before sending the introduction. 

Mainly we are waiting for permission to talk with each other. Give someone permission this week.

Holding back from speaking

The best advice I ever got from a mentor was "Before you open your mouth, ask yourself: Does anyone in this room need to know that I know that?"

It's a difficult question to ask yourself. We work in a culture where staying silent is not often viewed as a viable way to demonstrate competency. The problem is that the noise of chiming in has gotten so loud that it might be time to become selective with our contributions.

Listen to other folks and wonder if they're sharing from passion, from need or simply to show they thought of the same idea/concept/angle and don't want to be seen as left out.

I try to ask myself "Who really needs to know this?" "Why do I need to share this?" "What happens if I don't say anything on this topic?" Sometimes I even sit in meetings with my hand over my mouth.

It is ok to speak up for any of the reasons above - as long as it is by choice and not by habit of chiming in.

Keep in mind....Part listening skills, part personal brand, staying silent can be a powerful choice. 

Comebacks I wish I'd said

For women, some interactions cry out for a snappy come-back or a withering look. It can be difficult to always have a snappy comeback ready. Here are a few to keep in our pockets:

"You're being too emotional."
Possible come back?  "Sorry, Mr. Spock; it's close to Pon Farr."

"They would listen to your ideas more if you were a man."
Possible come back?  "But then they'd find me unsuitable in a skirt."

"Women have to be ready to be called a bitch if they want to lead."

Possible come back?  "We can lead without a battle axe but, for you, I can make an exception."

"There's no glass ceiling."

Possible come back?  "There's no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny but yet the gifts come anyway."

"You shouldn't be so upfront about your career aspirations."

Possible come back?  "It takes the guesswork out of managing me."

"When you told us the story of that thing you did, it sounded like boasting."

Possible come back?  "Boasting is when I tell you how I learned to sky dive/ make French pastry / speak 12 languages better than you. Sharing accomplishments is like offering a taste of my chocolate bar - we both share a little sweetness."

"You shake hands like a man."

Possible come back?  "I bet you curtsey like a girl."

Be Specific and Do Homework

I have been hearing a lot that folks are often afraid of leading you on if they agree to a “coffee” because they assume "coffee" is code for "need a job."

Disguising a job hunt as a vague search for information can hurt you. Being vague in general when asking someone for their time does not help either. Be very specific about how someone can help you. Believe me, if folks like you, they’ll ask you if you’re interested in potential future gigs without you having to fish.

Be sincere, direct and open about what you want to make folks more comfortable about helping you.

1 - Is there a particular piece of an industry for which you’re seeking information? Identifying that will help you identify individuals to approach. Asking for a coffee for general or non-specific information can sound like you’re very junior and looking for an easy line into someone’s job file.

2 - “Seeking advice” ….on what? (on how to be better at a job, find accreditation, find a mentor, etc.?) These two words are often listed in requests for meeting but the meaning is vague.
FYI - “advice” vs. “advise” is a very common mistake in an email!

3 - Are there individuals in your industry you admire? Can you reach out to them? Can you tell them why you admire them and what their advice on those particular skills would mean to you?

4 - Are you targeting a specific industry for which you want to *whatever it is you do*? For example, a writer can write for technical, for government, for TV. Picking the industry to which you want to apply your talents would help. Your contacts might be able to least find folks who might know folks.

And, finally, don’t be lazy. Don’t call in personal favours for things you could first deal with by working with your mentor and/or plumbing the websites, meetings and events of related associations and organizations. We know how busy folks are - you can’t expect them to help you with this refining of your ask - spend some time thinking about it before sending the first email request for help.

Remember, good networkers you can call on for connections are Not headhunters, career counselors or matchmakers. You need to show the efforts you’re making on your own and be respectful everyone’s time. You are your best champion. Don’t push the responsibility into someone else’s hands unless you’re paying them (and even then!).

Further to discussing personal values within a mentoring relationship, value examination can be extended to our projects. Expanding our curiosity from the financial as a success criteria can create a stronger story and return on our investment of time/energy/focus/ resources. Beyond creating a broader context for evaluation, values can be measured.

Feel free to use these as guidelines:

1.     The project focus is important to the (external) customer today because…<FACT / DATA>

And will remain important upon its launch date of <X> because...

2.     The <project/product> requires these behaviour changes for the customer…

3.     Offering <project/product> requires these behavioural considerations internally…

  

4.     <project/product> is:
improving (adding to existing product/baseline… 
OR 
innovating (net new everything) 
OR
necessary upgrading…(baseline is outdated)

5.     To align with other projects,/products <project/product> need to … <actions, deadlines, owners, commitment to halt/regroup if not met>

6.     Project sponsor's most important duty is…because…

7.  If we received $100,000 extra, we would add… because… 

If we lost $100,00 we would scale back by… because…

8.  Complementary efforts in other business areas include… 
And can be tracked together by… 

Execution money could be shared by...

Values are the best drivers!

Networking for every day

Networking isn't hard. It's discipline which becomes habit. It also isn't relegated to events only. You are probably already networking and calling it something else.

Networking is simply connecting. How deep you wish to make a connection is up to you. Ample opportunities to connect appear every hour. You don't have to seize each one - you should be at least open to the possibilities presented.

And being mindful of the things below may not solve how to 'work a room' but it does make talking to strangers more of a regular occurrence in general.

It's all choice. It's things you do every day already..

1 - Everyday say “hello” to people - neighbours; their kids; co-workers; etc.

2 - After “hello,” listen to the response - sometimes even have a brief conversation.

3 - Make eye contact - even briefly - entering elevators; walking down the street; with store clerks - this can result in more of #1 - 10.

4 - Say “thank you” - to people holding doors; processing requests; bagging groceries; giving feedback; etc.

5 - Apologize - when a mistake is made; something forgotten; etc.

6 - Follow up on calls and emails - to acquaintances; friends; requests in or out; etc.

7 - Offer thoughts and perspective - offers of help; random compliments; timely critiques; etc.

8 - Keep calendars up-to-date and block time throughout the month for informal coffees and email catch up.

9 - Try not to rush in and out of every room, meeting and encounter - appear approachable.

10 - Keep a sense of humour.

The Hot Potato

The ‘hot potato’ was born about 23 years ago. I was attending one of those very packed, very loud industry events. People stood talking in small groups or lingering on the edges, trying to look engaged while knowing no one. Beyond flashing my bra or pushing into a crowd of strangers, I could not figure out how to get anyone’s attention. 

I grumbled in the corner. I grumbled through the week. I grumbled until someone asked me how I would solve this very typical networking dilemma.

I’d put one basic guideline in place: 

Networking events are not the place to hold long involved conversations.  

Events are a great place to discover if you want to have a longer conversation; Have the short one, then book the one/one time to do a private, expanded one and move on.

The premise  of Hot Potato is simple. 

·       It is a two (2) or three (3)-minute conversation with as many folks during the event as you want. 

·       You must then introduce the person with whom you are conversing to someone else: you “hot potato” them and move on. 

·       You never walk away from a conversation without first engaging your partner in a new one. 

Hot potato ensures you:

·       Are never trapped in a conversation 

·       Appear to be a masterful and smooth networker

·       Are able to meet a lot of folks

·       Are remembered as a considerate conversationalist

Introduce strangers. We are all there, wondering how to meet new people anyway. Wade right in! 

Introduce people to people you have just met and thoughtful and generous.

People will feel comfortable bringing folks back to you.

Imagine if we all played hot potato at events. No more standing on the edges. It would be expected to have introductions made and to ease in and out of conversations on a regular and comfortable basis. 

Stress relief & networking

I had a glorious massage. At the end of an afternoon, I was nothing more than a well-worn, fine piece of velvet left to dry gently in the sun. 

Then I returned to my life. I went from velvet to rusty scouring pad at the speed of light.

Both networking and stress relief should be a daily occurence. 

Networking	Stress  Relief
Daily activity	Daily activity
Must be done with someone	Can be done alone or with someone
Can reduce stress during tough times	Can reduce stress immediately
Requires contact information (depending on connection)	Requires medical history (depending on treatment)
Often free	Sadly, is not always free
Requires trust	Same
Has long term benefits	Same

Pledge to add 15 minutes per day for stress relief activities (meditation; a walk; etc.) with a few large activities like a massage thrown in. Combine networking and stress relief where possible and treat ourselves the way we try to treat our networks: with care and respect.

Why mentor? to learn vulnerability...

A room of us were recently asked: Why mentor?

Silence descended for a moment.

The first hand went up. "Because it's good to give back." Heads nodded.

"Because we learn in return." More nods.

"Because it helps everyone's career."

"Because you don't know how to mentor, until you try!"

Everyone was warming up to the topic at this point, so our moderator asked: And what makes a good mentor?

"Experience."

"Knowledge."

Silence.....

"Vulnerability," said one woman. "The willingness to explore, to be open, to share, to listen, to be wrong, to not lead but to simply be present."

By her definition, the greatest gift we can offer each other is vulnerability... which is, in a meaningful way, incredibly powerful.

Articulating values

Knowing your personal values is a start for understanding your reputation and prioritizing choices.

There are many exercises for finding your core beliefs and values. Below are suggested questions that could be used in a mentoring discussion to uncover key drivers in your own code of conduct.

1.     My chosen focus for my career is important to me today because…

2.    Being an X in the workplace brings these challenges…

3.    Being an X in the workplace offers these opportunities…

4.     Today, I am motivated first and foremost by (pick one)

a.     Money

b.     Recognition

c.     Rewards

5.    My #1 skill is … and I am proud of that because it reflects…

6.     The soft skill I most want to improve... because…

7.    To meet future challenges, the workplace needs to evolve as…

8.     To me, work and life integration means…

9.    Leadership qualities I admire most are…because…

10.  If I won $10,00,000 tomorrow, I would be a ….because then…

11.  My proudest moment to date is… and reflects this core belief….

12.  A difficult moment this year is… and reflected the injury to my core belief of…

13.  The three most important qualities a friend or peer can offer are…

14.  I hope my friends and peers would describe me as…

15.  I will never compromise on…

16. In others, I most admire…

Networking - a little maintenance every day

A well-maintained network is ready to help with a crisis - yours or someone in your circles. It has relationships that go beyond a filed business card. 

Some folks on LinkedIn have over 1000 contacts. There are many more who have between 3 - 50. Neither size of network is more successful than the other. There is no 'winning' the network pool. It all depends on how you maintain the network, not how you add to it. 

Maintaining a network can be done - like gardening - in big chunks or a little effort every day.

Feeding suggestions

• Send out interesting articles targeted to folks who might actually want to read them, one small group a day/week/month. 
• Remember the anniversaries and celebrations of those in your inner circles and participate where appropriate.
• Take folks out for tea once in a while. Or meet for a drink. A walk. A phone call.
• Make sure your contact information stays up-to-date or latest news gets broadcast. Not every event, just pieces that help folks track where you are and how to your interests continue to align.
• Say "thanks!" when someone helps you out.
• Solicit ideas from your network - even on small things - just to open a conversation.

Weeding suggestions

• Don't feel you have to respond to every call for help. Networking is not dependent on how much you put in but the quality of what you put in.
• Spend more time on those on your inner circle than outer. Cherish those who might cherish you back over expanding the frontiers of your network. (unless, of course, you have time for both)

Planting suggestions

• Follow up with new(er) contacts soon after you meet them so both of you can remember the context that prompted the connection.
• Make a coffee or drink into a threesome or fourseome!- you don't have to do everything one/one and sometimes it's fun to introduce new or interconnected folks.
• Solicit ideas from your network - even on small things - just to open a conversation.

There are tons of little things you can do every day without every attending a single networking event. Every meeting, phone call or email is an interaction that can build your network with sincerity and appreciation.

I can; I can't

It all boils down to two drivers: Passion; and Fear.

We make all our decisions from either caring about the outcome or fearing thoughts of poor outcomes. 

Excitement, strong beliefs, joy or other compelling emotion create passion and let us charge past doubt. Fear can seem like shame, avoidance, worry or other overriding emotion that creates hesitation.

Learn a new skill out of genuine interest or because a job or rating is at stake? I may buy a house because it’s my dream to have a space I own or because, while I have no desire to fix my own toilet, I am worried that housing will grow out of my price reach as a renter. Driving defensively to avoid an accident is fear-based and a great decision. Inventing something is usually from passion and getting past one's inner critic.

Like money, neither motivator one is good/bad; it’s all in how and why they are applied.

The problem arises when the majority of our decisions/actions appear to be a result of fear-based reasoning. We dwell on the possible catastrophes or downsides and allow opportunities (small and large) to slip away.

This is why change feels much harder and larger than the actual step required of us. Asking for mentorship can feel huge. Building a network can feel very outside our comfort zone.

We will feel what we feel but we can choose how we act – always. The question I ask myself at every career decision - daily or big picture - is: Is my comfort zone the better place to rest or is my career/plan more important? Either choice is fine but it must be a choice.

As a mentor– help dig into the why/why not conversation. Help the choice be deliberate vs. emotional.

As a mentoree– ask yourself “what’s the worst that can happen?” Make a plan to address these potential (and possibly improbable outcomes). Often when we have a plan, we worry less and can move forward.

Gender Equality... seems the time is not now...

Gender equality looks at access to jobs, violence, harassment, economic security and educational opportunities as some of the issues holding women back. How can you help? Start with knowing that this is a global concern and not one woman is exempt. Then select your angle and create conversation.

In Canada, The Canadian Women's Foundation states "...our progress is at risk. Canada fell from 30th place to 35th place in the 2016 Global Gender Gap rankings by the World Economic Forum.

No matter what your gender, inequality affects you. And it costs Canadians billions of dollars every year. It’s estimated that promoting gender equality could add $150 billion to Canada’s GDP." 

The Status of Women in Canada, newly renamed Women and Gender Equality (WAGE Canada), has a report (see infographic excerpt below) that details where our government thinks we are.

We are aware of the setbacks women are facing in the USA today. Melinda Gates recently launched a new campaign around the fact it will currently take 208 years for women in the USA to achieve gender equality. https://equalitycantwait.evoke.org. It features a terrific video delivering one-liners from concerned comedians and urging us all to have a conversation on equality starting this week.

"Do men get paid more than women for the same job? Yes. But think about how much work we do. Not only do we have to pitch our own ideas, we also have to pitch our female co-workers' ideas moments after they said them."

Infographic: Women and Paid Work - Status of Women Canada